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Old 01-16-2011, 08:52 PM
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Mahogany Mahogany is offline
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Default Need Advice...sorry but I have no one else :(

My husband and I have been married for 4 years. Just 1 week ago, he came to me explaining that he is a poly by nature. Now he didn't say that exactly, and in fact, he didn't know what it was or what it was called.

The other woman looked it up and help us learn that it is poly...which led me here to this forum.

My husband had an affair with this girl. She is a wonderful person and I believe I could grow a close friendship with her. But I am angry...frustrated....crying all the time....I can't work, sleep, eat.

I have always been interested in these types of relationships, and part of it turns me on...but I was wired a mono.

I realize now (after reading some post) that I am angry that he and she were sneaking around behind my back. That I am not enough for him (although I have read this is not true) it is hard to not feel this way.



My questions are:

1. It hurts so bad to see him touch her, kiss her, show physical love...what do I do to overcome this pain?

2. I have yet to experience "knowing that he is with her" that they are together while I am at home, and that they are having sex....loving each other, being physical with each other....I know it is going to hurt....what do I do about that?

Last edited by Mahogany; 01-16-2011 at 08:56 PM.
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Old 01-16-2011, 09:02 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mahogany View Post

My questions are:

1. It hurts so bad to see him touch her, kiss her, show physical love...what do I do to overcome this pain?
You say you like her, could grow a good relationship with her......
Is it possible that this pain you are feeling is a reflection of the fact that it got started without your involvement or approval ?

What if you HAD known up front. Would it have been maybe smoother, less difficult ?

Feeling betrayed (a confidence of any type) leaves a deep wound. The best way to help it heal is to look at where you are TODAY - not yesterday.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Mahogany View Post
2. I have yet to experience "knowing that he is with her" that they are together while I am at home, and that they are having sex....loving each other, being physical with each other....I know it is going to hurt....what do I do about that?
You "KNOW" it's going to hurt ? How do you KNOW this ?
There's another equally valid option. You could be excited for him/them.
It's absolutely a choice.
Have you already made yours ? Maybe it's not too late to change it !

GS
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Old 01-16-2011, 09:09 PM
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Mahogany Mahogany is offline
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I KNOW it is going hurt because of my fears...

He has re-assured me, over-and-over again.....but he is only human...

3. I am afraid of losing him, plan and simple...if I can trust that that will never happen (because of his relationship with her) than I could change my view.

4. I am afraid of his love growing for her....and as a result his love for me waning That if they are physical this will lead to their love growing, which in turn will destroy my bond with him.
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Old 01-16-2011, 10:19 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mahogany View Post
I KNOW it is going hurt because of my fears...

He has re-assured me, over-and-over again.....but he is only human...

3. I am afraid of losing him, plan and simple...if I can trust that that will never happen (because of his relationship with her) than I could change my view.

4. I am afraid of his love growing for her....and as a result his love for me waning That if they are physical this will lead to their love growing, which in turn will destroy my bond with him.
Mahogony,

my partner is going through this as well. As the poly person in our relationship... I know my feelings will not change, and i have reassured my partner of that... but as much as I reassure - it will never be enough... the proof is in the pudding... at some point you will have to summon up the courage to let it happen and find out.

There may be a period during which it certainly feels as though his love has waned (the NRE period - do a tag search) but that does not mean that is what has happened - it just means he is pre-occupied for a period... again it will be up to you to (figuratively speaking) smack him on the back of the head and make him understand how you are feeling (at which point it is his responsibility to make sure you receive what you need to be reassured)

COMMUNICATE...

Good luck.
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Old 01-16-2011, 10:54 PM
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Mohegan Mohegan is offline
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I encourage you to check out my blog "which way to turn" under the blog section on this forum.

Our begining was very similar and I had very similar feelings and fears.

What worked for me was telling Karma exactly how I felt, If I was angry at that point, I told him, if I was grieving what we were, I told him, if I was having trust issues over the lies and betrayal, well he heard about that too.

I found things to distract me. I started knitting, I got a part time job, I blogged and journaled like a mad woman.

Allow yourself to feel whatever you feel, but don't get stuck there.

I made a list of my needs. One of the biggest was I needed to be able to pull back if things got to be to much. They both agreed, at there was a time I had to. I thought I was okay with her sleeping over, but I wasn't. Seeing them together hurt. But one of my needs was to see it. I didn't want anymore secrets or hiding.

Eventualy, as time healed my wounds and Karma and I healed our marriage I became much more okay with things.

Don't rush, but don't stand still either.
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Old 01-17-2011, 01:18 AM
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Indigomontoya Indigomontoya is offline
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1. It hurts so bad to see him touch her, kiss her, show physical love...what do I do to overcome this pain?

I went through this too with TruckrPete and Mr. A. Those thoughts cannot really be overcome easily. Ultimately it took a lot of communication on our part to handle it. I set ground rules, initially (they've been lifted now) that I did not want to see physical contact. Eventually I overcame these feelings by communicating when I was upset, what specifically upset me, and TP was responsive to my feelings; and that's the key if your husband does not want to take your feelings into account then he's selfish.

That being said part of the hurt you are feeling could be coming from being betrayed prior to your discussion of Poly; because frankly, that's what your husband did. It's one with thing to call it poly after the fact but in reality it was just bad monogamy. Is he saying he's poly because he is or because he got caught cheating?

2. I have yet to experience "knowing that he is with her" that they are together while I am at home, and that they are having sex....loving each other, being physical with each other....I know it is going to hurt....what do I do about that?

I had terrible anxiety over TP and Mr. A being together and me sitting at home; at one point I came close to a full blown panic attack. Again, it was communication that I did not want to know details other than they were out, and that's something that's still in effect today.

It's hard to pinpoint when or really how I overcame that feeling, but I think it was just that eventually I realized that there's no division of love lessening TP's love for me and she loves me just as much (actually more since I gave her the green light for poly) and also that she will eventually come home. Part of it was that I met and became friends with Mr. A, that helped immensely because he was not some guy trying to steal my wife (then fiancÚ) but someone who was respectful of our relationship and that there would be an adjustment period.

The best advice I can give you, since I have been through it, is that you need to set hard guidelines of your needs from this poly relationship; that is what restrictions will make you comfortable enough that you are not hurting. It's on your husband (and subsequently the girlfriend*) to allow you time to adjust, if he's not willing to see it from your perspective and just plows ahead in his relationship, you need to reevaluate his respect for you because if that's the case you and your feelings don't mean much to him.

As for your feelings of inadequacy that you are not enough for him, I cannot speak to his motives, but I can say that this might not be the case. I had to discuss this at length with TP because I was constantly making a direct comparison to Mr. A. That happened, and as I eventually realized, Mr A and I bring decidedly different things into TP's life; we are similar but different in ways that makes TP love us.

I recommend having a long discussion with him about his girlfriend and their relationship; touch on your needs for restrictions to make you comfortable, his reasons for wanting poly (see above re: getting caught) and what he can do for you to show you that you are not inadequate. All that being said though, you need to realize that some of the work has to come from you, I had to work on my jealousy and insecurities too.
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Old 01-18-2011, 04:02 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Hi again Mahogany,

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mahogany View Post
I KNOW it is going hurt because of my fears...

He has re-assured me, over-and-over again.....but he is only human...

3. I am afraid of losing him, plan and simple...if I can trust that that will never happen (because of his relationship with her) than I could change my view.
Ok - fantastic hun ! You're being honest with yourself which is huge !
Perfectly natural (if not justifiable) fear. Now you've brought it out in the light. So analyze it.

Ask this..........

Does love mean "possession/ownership" to you ? Do YOU want to be possessed/owned ? Hmmmmmmmm
What kind of a future does a relationship like that offer ? Happiness ? Fulfillment ?

How can you 'lose' something you don't posses ?

But we can 'lose' people's respect and to follow, sometimes, their love, depending on our actions.
But we get to CHOOSE our actions/reactions - right ?


Quote:
Originally Posted by Mahogany View Post
4. I am afraid of his love growing for her....and as a result his love for me waning That if they are physical this will lead to their love growing, which in turn will destroy my bond with him.
Ok. If you haven't read this or heard it somewhere you will now - and a lot in the future.

Real 'love' does not have limitations ! The more you give it the more grows within you.

This is not cliche - although I'm sure it sounds it. Its fact, verified by millions of humans over countless ages.
Whatever 'bond' you two have, whatever brought you together, the admiration, respect, the components of 'love' cannot change unless you do something to change them.
Many people seem to confuse love with passion, intensity, (we speak here of NRE which rolls a lot of similar elements up in one label). Those things are all transient. They change over time. They aren't 'lost' only evolving.

So you must ask............

What is WRONG with love - someone loving someone ?

A big part of 'love' is what's often called 'compersion' in poly circles. The ability to bask in someone else that you care about's happiness. Because when we truly love someone we want them to be happy ! If something makes US 'unhappy', we have to step back and analyze it before we start pointing fingers.

Will there be struggles over mundane things like time management etc. Sure. But those are all things that can be talked out and worked out by people heading in the same direction. Greed is your biggest enemy here. That belief in ownership again.

I think if you can somehow separate from the emotions and look at things realistically and logically, you'll discover most of your fears are unfounded.
OR
That what you are truly afraid of is YOURSELF !

Most of that discover that a LOT

Keep talking..............

GS
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Old 01-21-2011, 04:45 AM
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Mahogany Mahogany is offline
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Thank you all so very much for your support and wisdom....I plan to pay-it-forward in the near future

My husband is so loving and accepting and re-assuring that I sincerely believe I will be ok
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Old 01-21-2011, 06:26 AM
lovinhimloviner lovinhimloviner is offline
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My husband was the first one in our relationship to fall in love with someone. Even though he knows in his head that I am not going any where and will always love him, he still has a hard time with me being open to a relationship with someone else. He knows it isn't rational but he can't help what he is feeling. He doesn't want to know anything except the important things. He also doesn't like to talk about much. I have been bringing it up more so that he talks about it. The more he opens up the more he will become comfortable and secure in this life.

The way I feel is the opposite of the way he feels. When i see them together I have this wonderful feeling of happiness and love wash over me. I want to know what goes on with them. What I had to work on was realizing that while I am his wife it is their relationship. She is a private person but they are very good at making sure I know what is going on with them. I talk to both of them and have an awesome time hanging out with her.

At this point in our relationship I don't know if I would actually follow my heart if I were to find someone. I don't think at this point he could handle it. We have agreed on me starting to date. I have yet to even do that even though I would love to. I know I need to take that first step but I don't want to rush him. He has to figure out how to understand his emotions and learn to deal with them.
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Old 01-21-2011, 06:23 PM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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While spending time with her might mean spending less time with you (although he could spend time with both of you at once, or the time he spends with her could come out of time he used to spend alone), love doesn't work in the same way.

If you think about friends, for instance, having a new friends doesn't mean you like the existing ones any less. Actually, if they get along it strengthens your bond even more! Poly is similar, being in love with her doesn't make him love you less. Knowing you like her and are willing to let him be free and happy will make him love you more, and love for one person tend to make you love others more.
Think about it, if you watch a romantic movie, doesn't it make you love everyone you love more? If you see something you find cute (a child, a kitten, a puppy) doesn't it make you want to hug the people you love more? Affection creates more affection, the more loved you feel, the more love you have to give. It's not like a piece of cake. Giving her part of the cake doesn't mean you get less, you know what I mean?

I don't usually like talking about children, because people are quick to say "I don't have sex with my children" but since we're not talking about sex at all here... A mother who has a new child isn't going to then spread her love between her two children. Often she'll find that she loves the first one more as a result of loving the second one. Do you see what I mean?

Relationships evolve on their own, and there is no way to know if your relationship will end someday, but I'm fairly confident it's not going to be because she's "replacing" you. That's more of a mono kind of thing: if you can only love one person at a time, then to love a new person you have to leave the previous one. When you are poly, no such rule apply. If he left you, he wouldn't gain anything from it, he would lose you. Why leave you when he doesn't have to choose and can have you both? That would mean his choice isn't between being with you or being with her, but being with you or not being with you.
Do you see what I mean here? Since he can be with her either way, being with you is something completely independent here.

It's normal for you to want to feel included, I believe. It's definitely what really matters to me, at least. And knowing they went behind your back, that's probably the worst of it, because that means they didn't trust you, they didn't include you in it. But if you're included in it, then you're also part of that relationship, You can be friends with her, and then leaving you would mean that they would both lose you. It doesn't have to be you against her, especially since you seem to be getting along.

You might want to dry going to dates with both of you with him. Of course it depends of your personal comfort, but it might help you to see them together and see that he's not pushing you aside to be with her.

I'm a bit rambling I guess, but I hope this way helpful to you. Good luck!
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