Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 08-26-2013, 06:06 AM
queenb queenb is offline
New Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 4
Question Totally new and seeking insight

Ok so, my husband and I recently began to open up our relationship to a non-monogamous one. Since I'm so new at this, I am a little confused about the behavior of one person I've been dating. For background, I am a woman, married to a man and the person I'm dating is also a man, who has previously been in a non-monogamous relationship.

A little chronology:

1. I met the guy for a casual date, had good conversation, decided to see him again.
2. Met guy again, sexytimes ensued. Guy starts saying mushy things during/right after.
3. Continued talking with guy but out of town, so I didn't see him for a couple weeks.
4. Guy begins to withdraw, I ask him if he actually likes me, cause I had thought he did. He says he does and even seriously considered not moving an hour away after meeting me, but then decided against it since I would never be a primary relationship for him, but that he wanted to continue to see each other.
5. Guy withdraws more, starts talking about exes (particularly one that had been rather rejecting), and starts telling me he's trying to "figure it out" and that I might be wanting more time than he can give and that can we take a step back and just hang out. In the meantime, he hangs out with me a number of times despite his apparent ambivalence, which results in cuddling and general non-sexuality (much to my disappointment).
6. At this time, we've had 5x more friend-like interactions as compared with sexual/relationshipy interactions. He says he's NOT ambivalent, just busy and "trying to figure it out".

Questions:

1. What the hell is going on here?
2. Does this guy actually "like" me and if so, is he just back burnering me til he finds someone more available?
3. Does this guy actually just like me more as a friend?
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 08-26-2013, 06:18 AM
SchrodingersCat's Avatar
SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Saskatchewan
Posts: 2,130
Default

Honestly, no one can answer those questions except possibly him, and maybe not even that.

Is there some reason you don't accept his explanation that he's trying to "figure it out?" Presumably that means even he doesn't really know how he feels or how he wants to proceed. I would say his request to step back and just hang out is pretty clear. The problem seems to be that you want more than that. So you need to decide whether you actually can just hang out and accept what he's willing to offer right now. If not, then you could tell him that this arrangement isn't meeting your emotional/sexual needs, and ask if he's willing to step up the romance. If he's just not there right now, give him his space and maybe he'll look you up when he does figure it out.
__________________
Gralson: my husband (works out of town).
Auto: my girlfriend (lives with her husband Zoffee).

The most dangerous phrase in the English language is "we've always done it this way."
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 08-26-2013, 06:24 AM
queenb queenb is offline
New Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 4
Default

Thanks, i guess im a little wary since people have frequently been ambivalent but dishonest about it. I guess what i really want to know is that, is he actually attempting to figure it out? Does it seem that way?
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 08-26-2013, 06:39 AM
SchrodingersCat's Avatar
SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Saskatchewan
Posts: 2,130
Default

You could ask him for more information. "What do you mean by 'figuring it out?'" "Is there anything you can discuss with me? Maybe you have some questions I can answer, or beliefs I can respond to?"

I'm not sure exactly what he's trying to "figure out" so I can't begin to guess whether he actually is trying to do that. People behave in all kinds of ways when their thoughts are in termoil... his behaviour could mean one thing in one person, and the exact opposite in someone else.

I prefer to give people the benefit of the doubt. If he says he's trying to figure it out, then he probably is. That being said, "figure it out" is sometimes code for "I don't want to get serious, but I don't want to say so because I worry that then you'll never talk to me again." So... it's anyone's guess, really.
__________________
Gralson: my husband (works out of town).
Auto: my girlfriend (lives with her husband Zoffee).

The most dangerous phrase in the English language is "we've always done it this way."
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 08-26-2013, 06:46 AM
queenb queenb is offline
New Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 4
Default

Thanks for your thoughts. I have made it very clear that i understand that people dont out right say they dont want it to be serious for the reason you mentioned and that was ok and we can be friends only. He has assured me that thats not the case, but i still find myself being mistrusting....
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 08-26-2013, 03:02 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 3,060
Default

You seem to wonder if he's blowing you off or actually thinking things out. Could ask him something like....

"Could you be willing to talk to me more openly about what it is you need to figure out and what you have discovered so far in your thought process at this point in time? How about _____time/date____?

Could that work for you? I don't want to rush you, but at the same time I don't want to be in the dark forever."


Both could determine what open relationship models you each are up for.

And which one of those you are going to try to build together at this time.

HTH!

Galagirl
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 05:34 PM.