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Old 08-25-2013, 06:42 AM
biamore biamore is offline
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Unhappy need advice please

Let me start from the beginning... I have been in a 11year relationship with a bi female. We were both very open and honest about our sexuality from the beginning. During the course of our relationship I never really had a boyfriend I did have several sexual encounters with men but no relationship. 1year into our relationship she met a lesbian female who became her consistant friends with benefits. I had no problem with their arrangement. I became really great friends with her. After about 2 years I proposed to her and she accepted. After about 4years the woman y stoppedseeing to one another and completelyceased to be together. A few years pass and we bo have sex with others but no extra relationships. Then one day I meet a man I want a relationship with we get together and we have been together for 4years now. Since my male lover and myself have gotten together she decided to visit another couple out of town. I had no problem with that and she came back after a visit and said she was moving in with the other couple consisting of a straight male and a bi female. I had no problem with that as well. Here comes my problem... We talk every day on the phone since she has moved away. She came back for a visit and things became hot and heavy between us and she stopped me saying she was not allowed to be intimate with me. I was taken aback. Now when she visits we have no sexual contact but we have a strong emotional connection and still love each other. How do I tell her that the new man in her life is not quite conforming to a poly relationship ? Is it my place to even bring it up? She has lived with the couple for about 1 year now. Should I let her figure this out or is she now a lost cause because she lives with them now and visits us instead of vice versa? Any help out there please help?
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Old 08-25-2013, 08:32 AM
london london is offline
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It isn't that he isn't conforming to a poly relationship, it's that she is now in a closed poly relationship with those two people. It sucks that it means that she can no longer have sexual relations with you, regardless of how she feels, but she has chosen to be with them with the understanding it means no longer having sex with you. If she feels that is the better choice for her, you can only accept it.
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Old 08-25-2013, 12:27 PM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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London has it 100% right.

They are in a closed committed relationship. One of their boundaries is not sleeping with others. She was respecting that relationship and her partners. She agrees to those boundaries.
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Old 08-25-2013, 02:50 PM
monkeystyle monkeystyle is offline
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Agreed with the last two posters. Give it up, you're friends without sexual benefits now. Accept it and be happy for her.
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Old 08-26-2013, 08:35 AM
biamore biamore is offline
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Thank you all for the advice ... I will break off my 11 year relationship / engagement etc. With her. You are right she has moved on and in a possibly more meaningful relationship.
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Old 08-26-2013, 04:23 PM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by biamore View Post
How do I tell her that the new man in her life is not quite conforming to a poly relationship ? Is it my place to even bring it up? She has lived with the couple for about 1 year now. Should I let her figure this out or is she now a lost cause because she lives with them now and visits us instead of vice versa? Any help out there please help?
She's "not allowed" to have outside sexual encounters, or she "agreed" not to have outside sexual encounters? The distinction is important. If she believes she's "not allowed" then there could be something fishy going on.

Your relationship aside, I would ask for details as a friend. Is the other couple trying to control her behaviour? Is she vulnerable to a potentially abusive relationship? When she started dating them, was there a dialogue about behaviours, or did they simply hand down the "rules" for their relationship? Having known her for 11 years, what do you believe her frame of mind is like that she would accept people telling her what she is and is not "allowed" to do?

Unlike the other posts, I would be suspicious of a situation where someone I'd been with for 11 years suddenly wasn't "allowed" to be sexual with me. I would be wondering how much of that was her own choice and how much was pressed upon her from the others. It doesn't seem very loving to me, to pressure your new girlfriend to give up someone she's been intimate with for 11 years. That doesn't necessarily mean it doesn't "conform to poly relationship," just that it doesn't seem very kind.
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Old 08-27-2013, 07:40 AM
london london is offline
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Seems perfectly clear that she understood sex with the op would be banned and instead of saying 'of course i am going to fuck the guy i'm engaged to. Go to hell', she agreed to those conditions. Making out she is some sort of abuse victim is delusional thinking of someone in total denial.
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Old 08-27-2013, 09:32 PM
monkeystyle monkeystyle is offline
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Originally Posted by london View Post
Seems perfectly clear that she understood sex with the op would be banned and instead of saying 'of course i am going to fuck the guy i'm engaged to. Go to hell', she agreed to those conditions. Making out she is some sort of abuse victim is delusional thinking of someone in total denial.
Agreed. While playing the 'she's not sure of herself' card is a popular sterotype, I think taking people at face value and moving on with life is a lot easier than questioning the validity of the message. These are adults living their lives, regardless of the semantics of words. The choices are made. Why create drama for the sake of challenging a disagreeable answer?
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