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Old 08-22-2013, 06:26 PM
Glenn Glenn is offline
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Default New Partner Sexual Anxiety

So I occasionally have sexual anxiety issues, not often though. I've already noticed that I am having them with my new partner, though we haven't slept together yet, I realize it will probably continue with her once we get fully frisky.
Any advice on how to handle it? My wife and I discussed role-playing it to help work through the first part of it as much as possible. I know it comes from poor self image and the fact that I have a hard time considering myself attractive to others.
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Old 08-22-2013, 07:38 PM
gorgeouskitten gorgeouskitten is offline
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I feel badly youve gotten no responses...but im not realyl sure how to respond to this. Have a drink? other things similar to a drink?
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Old 08-22-2013, 07:55 PM
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When I used to have them with my wife (was a while ago) alcohol did nothing. I'll actually be going with my wife to her next therapy session (She has depression, which was major, now is very minor, but she still goes because she likes it) and we'll probably chat about it along with all the other new stuff that's been happening on the front.

I really feel my problem is poor self image about my physical appearance, like I know that I am fun and interesting, but I often don't think I am attractive to others, like my wife thinks I am attractive, and that's good, but I find it hard to fold it into the reality everywhere.

Also I should note, I'll be discussing it with L probably before our next encounter to get her familiar with my little hiccup. I generally do well with compliments towards myself, so I figure if I get her a heads up she can make sure it happens. It's a real big confidence booster for me.
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Old 08-22-2013, 08:07 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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My partner of 20 years has issues and always has. They come and go. Really-I just don't care about the issues (not that I don't care about him).
If he can't get it up, we do other stuff. It's never been a problem. When it gets up-we have intercourse, when it doesn't we don't.

From an emotional standpoint I think this has been helpful for him-because he knows (after all of this time) that whether or not it gets up is really quite irrelevant to me. Sometimes frustrating for him-but irrelevant to me. It has no effect on my sexual satisfaction.
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Old 08-22-2013, 08:23 PM
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Well my wife is fine when it does happen, which occasionally occurs for a phase. And while I have no doubt that L will be totally fine as well, it just is bothersome and frustrating as she's really hot and I can't sport an erection . . .
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Old 08-22-2013, 08:39 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Yes-GG gets frustrated too. But it helps if you remind yourself that it's not a problem.
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Old 08-23-2013, 12:06 AM
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Marcus Marcus is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Glenn View Post
And while I have no doubt that L will be totally fine as well, it just is bothersome and frustrating as she's really hot and I can't sport an erection . . .
I find that I get stuck on playing particular roles; "real man", "contributing member of society", "trustworthy friend", "great lover", etc. I can tell when I am getting stuck on a manhood or sex related role because... you guessed it... I can't get it up. When I'm not thinking about it and I am just enjoying myself I usually don't have a problem getting an erection but the moment I get myself all concerned about it I very often fulfill that prophecy.

Instead of having the image of your hard penis "making her happy" maybe try to focus on having a good time. Sometimes my dick is hard and sometimes it isn't, my goal is to not sweat it and to enjoy her body, she can enjoy mine, and I dish out orgasms like it's going out of style. Note: on giving her orgasms, I am doing it because it is fun and I like giving her pleasure - not because it's "the best I can do... sorry"
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Old 08-22-2013, 08:22 PM
gorgeouskitten gorgeouskitten is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Glenn View Post

Also I should note, I'll be discussing it with L probably before our next encounter to get her familiar with my little hiccup. I generally do well with compliments towards myself, so I figure if I get her a heads up she can make sure it happens. It's a real big confidence booster for me.
Well that sounds like a good plan! Ive never dealt with this persay, but i know it has boosted my spouses confidance when i show interest in the things hes interested in in that area
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Old 08-25-2013, 05:39 PM
Vexxed Vexxed is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Glenn View Post

I really feel my problem is poor self image about my physical appearance, like I know that I am fun and interesting, but I often don't think I am attractive to others, like my wife thinks I am attractive, and that's good, but I find it hard to fold it into the reality everywhere.
I was wondering if your anxiety was more about "getting it up", as many of the people replying seem to have though, or about your looks (your perception), or your skills in bed.

I sympathize with you. My looks is something that I worry about only slightly, but more often I feel pretty down about my skills in bed, or the ability to build up tension before getting in bed. Then, I feel anxiety about having sex.

I wish that I had more to say at the moment. I got counselling and took a self esteem class. It helped, but my partner (I'm a secondary) is in NRE with someone new, and my gains in confidence that I had made or loosing strength.

Again, I sure do sympathize with you. I just bought a book that focuses on giving pleasure without the use of the penis (though penetration is used). Maybe reading such a book would be helpful to you as well.
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Old 08-26-2013, 02:11 AM
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Originally Posted by Vexxed View Post
I was wondering if your anxiety was more about "getting it up", as many of the people replying seem to have though, or about your looks (your perception), or your skills in bed.
Glenn clarified later in the thread that he was in fact talking about not being able to "get it up".

Quote:
Originally Posted by Glenn View Post
Well my wife is fine when it does happen, which occasionally occurs for a phase. And while I have no doubt that L will be totally fine as well, it just is bothersome and frustrating as she's really hot and I can't sport an erection . . .
Quote:
Originally Posted by Vexxed View Post
Again, I sure do sympathize with you. I just bought a book that focuses on giving pleasure without the use of the penis (though penetration is used). Maybe reading such a book would be helpful to you as well.
If the issue is "I can't seem to give someone enjoyment in bed" then it would make sense to define the solution as learning better technique for giving pleasure.

If the issue is "I am insecure for various reasons, causing me to have performance anxiety which sometimes results in limp-dick" then it would make sense to define the solution as learning to concentrate on having a good time instead of focusing on "performance" or "an erection".

I identify these as two distinct issues, though the solution is similar... "have fun, people like fooling around with people who are enjoying themselves"
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