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Old 08-21-2013, 08:10 PM
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SweetSurrender SweetSurrender is offline
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Default Get some coffee, this may take a moment.

Hello. I figured that while I continued to meander through the mass of information that is contained on this site I would take a moment to say a bit about myself. I have researched (online mostly) polyamory a great deal over the past 11 years. Similarly, I have looked into bisexuality and BDSM.
I was always interested in women but from a young age growing up in a very religious and conservative part of the south, I was told that my future would be a man, marriage and children. Even through elementary grades I developed crushes on boys as that was accepted but constantly wanted a romantic connection to my girlfriends. After some very uncomfortable conversations of my friends telling me I was too close and wanted too much from them, I began to withdraw. Most of the latter part of my school years I wouldn’t even let people touch me casually since I was always ashamed of my sexual interests which now included both sexes and simply added to the confusion in my head.
At 20, I married the first man I dated seriously and who took my virginity. 12 years later it derailed mostly because I was generally unhappy but the final blows came over the aspect of my wanting to explore polyamory. When given the go ahead to pursue a poly lifestyle, he then became angry, began cheating and became abusive but insisted the marriage continue. Thankfully, I was able to untangle myself from him.
I am currently on my second monogamous marriage with children. Have I removed my poly nature? No. Have I removed my interests in women? No. Will I begin to completely unravel my second relationship with a wonderful man that will not allow me to be who I am? There seems to be a greater chance now that I am here and as my name suggests have allowed myself to surrender to who I am and what I want.
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Old 08-22-2013, 03:12 AM
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idealist idealist is offline
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Welcome to the forum! I hope you get a lot of feedback and support here! It certainly may not be necessary to unravel your primary relationship in order to pursue a poly lifestyle. Takes things slowly and deliberately.

My philosophy is that if the lifestyle can be beneficial to everyone involved then the chance of it being embraced increases.

First I had to explain the lifestyle to him and in a way that he can relate to. This took time. I could tell when he was staring to like the idea of it.

In my neck of the woods (also the conservative South) the lifestyle is easier for women, so I focus on supporting my partner and assisting him in his own efforts to create the type of poly life that he desires. As long as he is enjoying his poly life, he is supportive of my poly life.

There have been times when I basically put my poly life on hold for short periods of time in order to support and assist him in creating his.

This has worked well for us. I have suggested this approach to a few women that I know and when they started focusing on what type of poly identity and life their husbands wanted and remaining supportive of that- things improved for them as a couple.

Good luck and keep posting!
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Old 08-22-2013, 05:36 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Welcome to the board. Lots of information and lots of opportunity for creative ideas.
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Old 08-22-2013, 06:16 AM
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SweetSurrender SweetSurrender is offline
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Thank you both for the warm welcome. I have been reading so much over the past few days I am not even sure what is what anymore.

Idealist - I just meant that the last mono relationship I attempted to make my true feelings known to did not end well. Sort of funny though, I did tell the current one about my desires to have more in relationships and at first he did seem open to the concept. Over time though, his insecurities and jealousy have gotten the better of him. I am hoping that I can learn, as you mentioned, how to make it clear to him just how beneficial it can be. What is better than a happy SO.

Also, in the city I live in now, it is very hard to meet people that are like minded. Most tend to just be looking for the cheating while keeping the home fires burning, blissfully unaware. I have not been able to find many that are similar to myself.
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Old 08-22-2013, 07:07 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Galagirls blog may interest you in regards to dealing with a mono spouse.
There are many threads regarding jealousy, honesty and meeting people too. You can use the search feature to seek threads on topics of specific interest.
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Old 08-22-2013, 09:11 PM
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Greetings SweetSurrender,
Welcome to our forum.

You'll have to make your own decisions as to how to conduct your own life, and communicate those to your husband as best you can. Is this a road to divorce? I don't know. You can explain to him that he can seek out additional partners as well, but not all spouses are interested in that. Some just want to stick with the one person they married.

If that be the case, you could tell him you've decided to live polyamorously, and he can support your decision or not support it. Some mono/poly relationships do succeed, but your situation is your own.

I hope Polyamory.com is helpful in giving you ideas of how to navigate the uncertain waters you're sailing in. Let us know of your thoughts, questions, or concerns.

I agree that you just have to be yourself in the end.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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