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Old 07-26-2009, 04:59 PM
Nyx Nyx is offline
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: north america
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Default New here, new to poly

Hello, all! I am new here and am not polyamorous (yet?) but my bf is. I am 30 yrs old, and he and I dated back when we were teenagers off and on, but I broke it off for good because of my feeling that he was a "ladies man". I was totally threatened and just ran off, never looking back.

About a year and a half ago, after hearing through mutual friends for several years that he has been trying to contact me, we finally made contact via the internet. He, at the time, was overseas and I was pregnant from a bf that I no longer was with. (I also have a daughter from another relationship who is now 8). So after emailing each other, he tells me he has never stopped thinking of me and loving me, oh and also that he is poly and had discovered this about five years ago.

To make a very long story short, he ended up deciding to move in with me and try being monogamous - needless to say it didn't work, he felt stifled and moved out about two months ago. We are still together though, even after numerous breakdowns on my part. But we talk a LOT and I guess I am at this point having to decide where I truly stand with him being poly and me, well not. Or maybe I could be. I have to admit, I am attracted to other men quite frequently, but so far have not met anyone. I find it difficult to make time between two children and full time college.

Meanwhile, he has two other girls he is dating, one more so than the other, and I am very intimidated and every time he mentions the one in particular I feel sick and angry and jealous. Thing is, I can usually calm down and think rationally about it after a while which makes me hopeful that I can get used to the idea and maybe even meet this girl, as my bf so badly wants me to. I have told him I am attracted to a man he knows through the fire station and he has encouraged me to strike up a friendship with the guy, but so far I have not pursued it at all. What holds me back is fearing that any guy will run the other way if they know I already have a bf. I have seen that as a common theme so far on this forum.

Anyway, I am here to get a better idea of what poly really is (I feel sometimes that my bf uses it as a label to excuse himself for being a man-whore...I know, not fair) and to bounce ideas off of other people, get some insight into it. All of my friends are strictly and jealously monogamous and though none have condemned me for venturing into an open relationship, I don't feel able to talk to any of them because they do not understand. So far one person whom I have been more talkative about it is my sister, but she, like me, can't get over the idea that it's an easy way to screw around and not get in trouble. My bf says the opposite, that sex plays less into his poly ideals than love and other connections do. I know I'm making it all about sex and not sure why that is. Probably because I have never been in a situation where I was torn between or in love with two or more people at once. I guess I just don't understand it.

And with my bf, even though I am attracted to other men, I can't see myself being in love with anyone but him. Well, I guess that is enough for now. I would like to be able to respond to others' posts, but I have no advice to offer, being kind of an outsider at this point.

Last edited by Nyx; 07-27-2009 at 05:03 PM.
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Old 07-26-2009, 05:22 PM
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River River is offline
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: NM, USA
Posts: 2,164

Welcome, Nyx!

We hope your reading and participating here will be helpful.

In future posts, please try to break your posts into paragraphs, as it's easier to read that way than reading large blocks of text without such breaks. Thanks.
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Old 07-26-2009, 10:03 PM
XYZ123 XYZ123 is offline
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Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Brooklyn, NY
Posts: 369

I have always acted in a monogamous way-and then cheated. But my cheating was never linked strictly to a sexual interest. I would simply see something in a person that attracted me to them in a mental and emotional way and, because I never felt I could be honest with my partner, it led to cheating. So I can attest to polyamory being less about the sex and more about other connections. If he were really just looking for a way to screw around he wouldn't tell you about it, nor would he wish for you to meet this other woman or seek your own other relationships.

All that being said, I understand also the fear of the sexual side of things. My hubby and I were poly in the beginning and went into a mono relationship, then back to poly with me being the one with a girlfriend. They didn't have a sexual relationship (though they had in the past) but were best friends, affectionate, loving, and it may have headed down that path had the relationship lasted. Once I became comfortable with being poly and with the emotions behind the sex I started to become willing to open up that part of it, something I never thought I would do.

It is hard to change your ideas about what a relationship "should" be. But you don't have to. Like any other relationship, you can choose to remain in it or not. You can choose how deeply you want to be in this lifestyle. It's a good thing he's up front with you from the beginning as honesty is most important. Just take it slow, communicate to him clearly your fears and doubts, and don't be afraid to ask him questions to calm them. There's a poster on here-MonoVP-who is a mono man with a poly woman who can probably give you alot of feedback on your situation. Good luck.
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Old 07-27-2009, 07:02 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Nyx... welcome.

I would love to be able to read your post but I am afraid my dyslexic brain will not allow it.... if you could go back (by pressing the edit button at the bottom) and put paragraphs in as rivermartin suggests I would so appreciate it.
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Old 07-27-2009, 07:10 AM
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foxflame88 foxflame88 is offline
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Location: Birmingham, AL, USA
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Sex between a man and a woman can be absolutely wonderful - provided you get between the right man and the right woman. ~Woody Allen
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Old 07-27-2009, 01:27 PM
Quath Quath is offline
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Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 504

Welcome to the forums.

I think we all have the ability to love many people. For example, you don't love your first child any less after you had your second child. So that means that you love does not have to diminish if you find someone else to love.

That is not to say that polyamory is for all people. Some people prefer monogamy because they can focus all their attention one one romantic relationship. So you need to look deep inside you to see what you think you can feel. Who knows? maybe you would feel comfortable being in an emotionally monogamous relationship, but swing sexually? Maybe you want to be monogamous, but be ok with him being polyamorous?

One thing to learn on a more intuitative level is that his love for someone else does not affect his love for you. We are taught differently growing up. We are told you can only really love someone truely who is your "soul mate." However, from a practical point of view, we love many times over our life.

Try to envision that his other loves could be friends with you. You don't have to be close friends or anything, but should be friendly. After all, you do have an important thing in common:you love the same man and want to see him happy, just as he wants to see the people he loves happy.

I wish you luck.
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