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Old 01-15-2011, 08:24 PM
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ambleew ambleew is offline
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Default Confused from one day to the next

Hi All! I have posted here a couple of times about being new to Polyamory and I have received such warm welcomes and great responses. But I am having issues and possibly doubts...what do you suggest??

My husband deeply cares for our gf and I do as well. She has also expressed her strong feelings towards both of us. The only problem is me I think. I feel like the closer I get to her it is more on a friends level rather than romantic. I just feel like the two of them have so much in common and it almost makes me a little jealous. I also get jealous on the sex part...because they are intimate much more than he and I are. The reason we aren't intimate is because every time we try, something is done or said and it turns into a fight. Last night was terrible. We got into a terrible fight and I ended up crying my eyes out and sleeping on the couch.

I have been going through so many emotions and confusion since all of this started. Is poly for me? Or is it just that SHE isn't for me? I really WANT to overcome these feelings but how long does it take? How do I do it?
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Old 01-15-2011, 09:40 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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Default Jealousy

ambleew,

I know you may have done this already but search for jealousy on the forum. It comes up a lot and people have written some really helpful stuff.

You wrote that you really want to overcome your feelings of jealousy. It's been my experience that I don't overcome jealousy (or other strong negative emotion, like grief or anger) in the sense that I master it and then never feel that way again.

I have to feel those miserable, painful feelings over and over again, I have to acknowledge the rage, jealousy, lack of worth - that those things are part of me. I have to fully feel that jealousy so I can acknowledge it, and then start to understand it. This doesn't mean that I accept that my jealousy is true or right. The vast majority of the time I have no reason to be jealous or angry. But feeling it fully, acknowledging it's existence as part of my self, is the beginning of figuring out what is actually going on in my cluttered head.

This is hard to do, and it friggin' sucks. I fail a lot.

I wish you the best of luck in figuring out what's going on in your head!
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Old 01-15-2011, 11:03 PM
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ambleew ambleew is offline
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Default

Thank you for your response...I will definitely try to keep it under control. I have skimmed the jealousy threads but will look into them more in depth. Thanks again!
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Old 01-16-2011, 01:21 AM
Charlie Charlie is offline
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Default You are strong enough.

You are strong enough for this. If you are here, then you already suspect this about yourself.

Don't be afraid of the work. Work is just work.

And yes, as opalescent pointed out, failure is not only an option, it is an inevitability.

And it's okay.

Just keep trying and be nice to yourself, first and foremost.
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  #5  
Old 01-16-2011, 01:31 AM
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Derbylicious Derbylicious is offline
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Try not to compare what they have to what you have with him. It sounds to me that poly isn't the issue here although it might have surfaced some things that were there already. Find some time to talk things through with him and start dealing with the issues that are causing fights between the two of you.
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Old 01-16-2011, 01:51 AM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Derbylicious View Post
Try not to compare what they have to what you have with him. It sounds to me that poly isn't the issue here although it might have surfaced some things that were there already. Find some time to talk things through with him and start dealing with the issues that are causing fights between the two of you.
That's what I was thinking. You and your wife have some issues not related to poly that need to be address ASAP.
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