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  #1  
Old 08-15-2013, 10:47 PM
gorgeouskitten gorgeouskitten is offline
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Default quad, friends or is this all going to blow up?

So my spouse and i have made friends with this really awesome couple, all four of us click and get on really well. The husband expressed interest in me, and i tentatively agreed to date slowly (since i already have a spouse and a BF). Meanwhile, the wife and my spouse made a great connection and he likes her. She confided in both my spouse and I that she would like to date him but is afraid to ask her husband to date men (she dates women) meanwhile she and my spouse have flirted quite a lot.

So heres the thing, knowing he holds her back from dating my husband whom i want to be happy, makes me less interested in him, and my husband less inclined to liking him as a partner for me. Yes its on her to ask her spouse if she wants to make a quad (which she has thought about) but for me, having agreed to date him, Im not sure where to go from here. SHould I tell him I'd really prefer a quad, and risk ruining the friendship? If i bring it up, or just drop the dating idea entirely with him, im afraid we'll loose a new and important friendship (our first poly couple friends).

Any suggestions, advice, experience?
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  #2  
Old 08-16-2013, 01:17 AM
Flowerchild Flowerchild is offline
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Default What?

Having agreed to date him? It's not a "dating idea," it's a new partner for you. If you aren't comfortable with it, knowing there will be tension with his wife and your husband, don't do it.

You haven't signed a contract Or, you know, if you have, that's cool, too

If he's really that much of a jerk, that he would cut the friendship over it, is he really worth keeping as a friend?
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Old 08-16-2013, 02:51 AM
Inyourendo Inyourendo is offline
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If the other guy is possessive and controlling, of course its reasonable to be less attracted. A couple years ago I invited long time fb friends who I knew was poly but has never met. Instant attraction and ibwaa more than willing to date both. He wanted a one penis policy but when his wife expressed interest in my husband he was willing to work on.that, we all knew his comfort level ans proceeded slowly. Well the longer I knew him, the more manipulative hw appeared and the less attracted I was. Ultimately I broke things off with both to spare myself the drama. She and I.are good friends now, talking about maybe seeing her again.
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Old 08-16-2013, 03:03 AM
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idealist idealist is offline
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If I were in that position, I would simply plan a social event for the four of us. I like to take action. Just do it. If you think you might like a quad- plan a quad date and invite everyone with enthusiasm!
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Last edited by idealist; 08-16-2013 at 03:05 AM.
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  #5  
Old 08-16-2013, 07:37 AM
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Natja Natja is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Inyourendo View Post
If the other guy is possessive and controlling, of course its reasonable to be less attracted.
Yeah, OPP guy would just make me lose interest pretty sharpish.
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  #6  
Old 08-16-2013, 06:36 AM
monkeystyle monkeystyle is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by gorgeouskitten View Post
So my spouse and i have made friends with this really awesome couple, all four of us click and get on really well. The husband expressed interest in me, and i tentatively agreed to date slowly (since i already have a spouse and a BF). Meanwhile, the wife and my spouse made a great connection and he likes her. She confided in both my spouse and I that she would like to date him but is afraid to ask her husband to date men (she dates women) meanwhile she and my spouse have flirted quite a lot.

So heres the thing, knowing he holds her back from dating my husband whom i want to be happy, makes me less interested in him, and my husband less inclined to liking him as a partner for me. Yes its on her to ask her spouse if she wants to make a quad (which she has thought about) but for me, having agreed to date him, Im not sure where to go from here. SHould I tell him I'd really prefer a quad, and risk ruining the friendship? If i bring it up, or just drop the dating idea entirely with him, im afraid we'll loose a new and important friendship (our first poly couple friends).

Any suggestions, advice, experience?
Advice/Opinion: A couple dating another couple is usually a bad idea. Too many points of failure. Keep the friendship and save the drama. They don't communicate very well, which tells you all you really need to know - if you think about it hard enough.
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Old 08-16-2013, 04:22 PM
Squashking Squashking is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by monkeystyle View Post
Advice/Opinion: A couple dating another couple is usually a bad idea. Too many points of failure. Keep the friendship and save the drama. They don't communicate very well, which tells you all you really need to know - if you think about it hard enough.
I can't disagree more. My wife and I are in a quad with another couple who were at first our very best friends... is it is simply wonderful. Is it difficult sometimes? Yes, but that's to be expected.

Why does it seem that people who are not 100% comfortable yet with an idea or change to the relationship are so easily discarded? Why do we call it controlling so quickly? Sometimes it takes a little time to get used to something and then you can move on. I assume changes to any relationship (ie. dating men vs dating women) are a bit easier if you are poly experienced. What's the rush?

~S
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Old 08-16-2013, 04:56 PM
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Marcus Marcus is offline
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Originally Posted by Squashking View Post
I can't disagree more. My wife and I are in a quad with another couple who were at first our very best friends...
I don't see a problem inherent in a group of people being romantically involved with each other - even if the group consists of two couples. My issue is with approaching relating to people from a stance that "pair dating" is a requirement.

In my opinion this is where quads, team dating, and unicorn hunters fail. They put expectations before reality and insist that groups of people relate to each other in a pre-determined fashion. People relate to each other the way they relate to each other, trying to decide this beforehand is folly and has an extraordinary chance of causing a breakdown.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Squashking View Post
Why does it seem that people who are not 100% comfortable yet with an idea or change to the relationship are so easily discarded? Why do we call it controlling so quickly?
It is important to note that the husband in question has not been informed that a change is even in the wings. As far as he knows, he's not in the way of anything. "Controlling" implies intent and one can't intend to alter a situation that one is not aware of.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Squashking View Post
Sometimes it takes a little time to get used to something and then you can move on. I assume changes to any relationship (ie. dating men vs dating women) are a bit easier if you are poly experienced. What's the rush?
Both of these couples are more or less polyamorous, as I understand it. I have not yet seen that there is a conflict of one person moving too fast for the others liking (I take it that is what you are referring to).
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  #9  
Old 08-16-2013, 07:58 PM
Dirtclustit Dirtclustit is offline
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Default there really is simple solution

next time you are hanging out with her husband, how about asking him if he has a one penis policy with his wife?

There is nothing wrong with him having such a policy, but I would agree that if he simply cannot deal with it but has it worked out to where he has sex with members of the opposite gender, I probably wouldn't want to be involved with him either

It is OK to be discriminating when it comes to your lovers, you don't need any reason other than it being your preference, if you were an employer and had an open position which he applied for, THEN it would definitely be wrongful discrimination, but that wouldn't be likely you would know such much about his private life if you were just an employer and he was just an applicant so it really is a moot point.

It's not your place to decide how he and his wife handle their relationship, but depending on the circumstances I would tend to think that engaging in activities you cannot allow your wife to engage in is not responsible behavior. Some people will continue doing whatever they can get away with, if his behavior is taking advantage of a situation, I would hope he had the integrity to quit doing that.

It's just what responsible, caring, loving people do.

If someone voluntarily agrees to give another person several thousand dollars, that is their decision, but also the person who would take what they do not deserve, the person who accepts such a gift it tends to speak volumes about their character.

If something stinks of the someone being taken advantage of, I would want to find out why before I dated them.

BUT AGAIN, it isn't wrong to be a hypocrite, but that doesn't mean you must date them

Last edited by Dirtclustit; 08-16-2013 at 08:05 PM. Reason: typos
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  #10  
Old 08-17-2013, 01:45 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Quote:
SHould I tell him I'd really prefer a quad, and risk ruining the friendship? If i bring it up, or just drop the dating idea entirely with him, im afraid we'll loose a new and important friendship (our first poly couple friends).
You and DH could also talk privately about how to handle the situation where one of you wants to date one of them but the other doesn't. Does that nix the whole thing? Sort that out. Could do that FIRST -- before talking to the couple in question.

Next? You and your DH could talk to the potentials about the choices on the table:
1) You both could tell the husband and the wife that you would like to date him while your husband dates the wife. (This is your 1st choice preference. Romance + friendship with them.)

2) You could also tell the couple you also are willing for one of you to date one of them. You just date the husband. Or DH just dates the wife. (Don't offer this if you don't have it sorted between you and DH first. Don't put either of you on the spot.)

3) You both could tell them that if the dating preference do not line up at all for anyone, you both would like to be continue to be friends because you both value their friendship and it is important to each of you.

4) You make them aware you also have another BF, not just a DH.

You both could ask them if they are willing to date this way and what THEIR preferences are, and ask them if they will go home to think on it and let you guys know in a week.

Then that gives them a face-saving chance to talk to each other in private and sort themselves out. And it gives you guys a chance to observe how they handle that.

If they get nutter, maybe you both change your mind about dating either or both of them. Maybe you put them on your "Messy people to date" list. Maybe you change your mind about being friends too. Who knows?

But maybe it all works out in the end. You can't know without playing ball. You want to know things. So ASK. Could decide to play ball.

That's the dating time is FOR -- to get to know people better. Some turn out to be a runner, some are not.

You could risk being honest about what you want and ask.

GL!
Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 08-17-2013 at 07:55 AM.
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