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Old 07-24-2009, 03:12 PM
Thespian Thespian is offline
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Default Rather scared newcomer ...

Hi folks,

My story is that I've been married for more than 30 years and I'm still deeply in love with my wife and I'm sure she is in love with me. We're never happier than when we're together, on holiday for example. We've never restricted each other's interests and friendships - we do some things together and some things separately. However we have always assumed the other to be "faithfull".

Recently I've fallen in love with another woman, as well. She is also married. However she has been able to talk to her husband about our relationship and he is happy about it. They still love each other and are bringing up a family together.

Neither of us knew about polyamory before we fell in love, she came across it on the web and it just seemed to be exactly what we wanted.

The problem is I can't talk to my wife. We've never discussed this sort of thing before. I'm terrified that if I talk to her it will destroy our marriage and her love for me. I've so much to lose. My wife knows that my new love and I are good friends, we have been involved in voluntary work together for several years and we regularly go off together for meetings etc.

From a few things she's said I think my wife is wary/jealous of my new love already, and if I started talking in general terms about polyamory she would immediately know that it wasn't just a hypothetical discussion.

My new love isn't happy for me to "cheat" in the normal way, she wants our love to be open and honest. Of course she's right, and so far we haven't consumated our love.

Is there anyone here who has successfully introduced a new love into an old established loving relationship? How did you do it?

I'm torn apart at the moment.
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Old 07-24-2009, 03:34 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Have they met and if so, do they like each other or not?
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Old 07-24-2009, 03:45 PM
Thespian Thespian is offline
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Yes, they know each other very well. We live in the same town and they have worked together in various community groups. We've been out together as a foursome and shared meals together. However I get the feeling that recently my wife has backed off their friendship and I suspect it's because she's getting vibes.
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Old 07-24-2009, 04:05 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Well I'm no expert, but my free advice to you is that if Wife is getting "vibes", it's time to have a little talk.
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Old 07-24-2009, 04:30 PM
Thespian Thespian is offline
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How do you even begin to tell your wife that you love someone else but that doesn't mean you don't love her less? I would bet she hasn't even heard of polyamory. Why wouldn't she see it as a threat to her happy, stable life? Why wouldn't she it as a betrayal?

I can see why people cheat - it's so much easier.
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  #6  
Old 07-24-2009, 05:03 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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It sounds like you want to do the right thing but are scared of losing both of them. You could always decide not to pursue it with your other lady and just leave things the way they are.

THEN you can tell your wife your decision: "Hon, there's someone I care deeply for but you mean so much and I would never want to jeopardize what we have. But because you are my wife and I respect you as an individual, I must tell you this because I think you might have an idea already and I would never want you to think I was cheating on you."

Something along those lines. That way, you have opened a dialogue yet established from the beginning that you value your relationship with your wife.

I just came right out and told my husband that I fell in love with this guy I knew from 20 years ago... He wasn't surprised or alarmed, since he heard me talking on the phone for a week... it was the other guy who freaked out when he learned that Husband was ok with it.
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