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Old 08-07-2013, 12:58 AM
adverbesque adverbesque is offline
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Join Date: Aug 2013
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Default I didn't open a relationship; I just started dating poly people.

Hi, all. I'll keep this brief: I'm 45 and more than a year separated -- divorce is en route. I've also been poly for a year. Totally unrelated to the divorce; it started when I met someone I liked who also (swiftly, I might add) ID'd himself as poly. I'd been curious about poly for years, but only in theory (or so I thought). And so when I met DB I figured, what the hell. The only thing I knew is I didn't want my new life to be much like the one that came before it. Give it a shot.

Some 13 mos. later DB and I are still dating -- and I'm also seeing DM and JB. All for about a year each. (Have had many first dates since last summer but I haven't been much interested in any seconds so far. Go figure.) None are primary relationships, although I see all of them as long term. And, for the most part, drama free. In fact, I think I'm happier now with my relationships than I ever was as a monogamist.

My one significant complaint about poly is also one of the best things about it: There's no rules, no infrastructure. Yes, I know there certainly can be with the primaries, secondaries, quads, triads and Vs. If that works, great; to me it all sounds like Quidditch (and I don't like Harry Potter). The stuff I'm trying to understand feels more subtle and elusive -- like, how do you learn to trust the process? Do other people have to deal with overcoming monogamous instincts such as not wanting to talk about other partners? (Monogamists certainly might date more than one person at a time, but very few would talk about it.)

And more than anything, I'd love to hear about people in scenarios like mine. I didn't open a relationship and I don't have a central partner (though maybe I'd like one at some point); I just started dating poly people.

Thanks for hearing me out.
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Old 08-07-2013, 03:05 AM
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idealist idealist is offline
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Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Deep South
Posts: 545

Welcome to the forum! I love the concept of "Trust the Process". And that can be difficult - no matter what you apply it to. What do you consider "the process" of poly to be?

As far as talking about other relationships- not sure if that is a mono or poly thing. Some people are just more private about relationships in general than others. I enjoy talking about my relationships and I enjoy hearing about other relationships. Because I am interesting in hearing about it, my SO shares a lot with me about his secondary relationship. I have more relationships than he does and I do share with him as long as he seems to be interested!
The key to life is in being fully engaged and peacefully detached simultaneously and authentically in each moment.
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Old 08-07-2013, 06:06 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 10,083
Default Similar situation

Hiya! I also found poly after my separation from my husband. I think it is a big myth that most people in poly are part of a couple "opening up" their relationship. It is my belief that there are many, many solo people out there living polyamorously who have never even heard of the word, nor posted their story online.

My husband and I separated three years ago, but I did not read up on poly or consider having relationships until several months after that. The end of our marriage had nothing to do with infidelity nor non-monogamy in any form. I found poly because I knew an acquaintance who had blogged about her poly life and I just wanted to look at different ways to be in relationships. So, I read her blog and then started researching polyamory online. I eventually found this forum, made some friends here, and wholeheartedly embraced having multiple relationships.

I don't ID as a poly person (as in orientation or "wiring"), for several reasons. I'd happily be monogamous again with the right person, and I don't get all holier-than-thou about polyamory being superior to monogamy and all that. I say, to each his or her own! So, I consider myself a "solo polyamorist" (the -ist suffix denoting action or practice, as opposed to using the -ous suffix to describe myself).

I would really like to see poly working in my life. So far, some of my experiences have been disappointing, and I've had my heart broken a few times, but I have learned so much about myself - so I hang in there! My journey has only been two and a half years.

You may like this thread that I started for other Solos (feel free to contribute): Solo poly people - what's your ideal?

The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia

Click here for a Solo Poly view on hierarchical relationships
Click here to find out why the Polyamorous Misanthrope is feeling disgusted.
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Old 08-07-2013, 11:36 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Yelm, Washington
Posts: 14,772

Greetings adverbesque,
Welcome to our forum.

I didn't really plan on getting involved with polyamory, I just found myself in a polyamorous situation. I am now in a poly unit of three people (a V); it is polyfidelitous, so we don't have sex outside our poly circle, and we're not looking to expand it although we're not fully closed to that idea. Not quite the same as your situation, but similar in that it wasn't something I planned on beforehand.

Our unit is fairly conservative and we don't do a lot of talking about one couple's romance with the other couple. Other than that, I'd say most of the stuff we've learned, we've learned through experience. We've been together since 2006.

I'm sure you'll find there's a great variety of polyamorists on this site, including some with a situation similar to yours. You can do searches and tag searches if that will help. Otherwise, just look around at our various threads and see what thoughts or questions they raise, which you can post at any time.

I'm glad you could join us.
Kevin T.
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
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Old 08-08-2013, 12:35 AM
Atlantis Atlantis is offline
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 923

Hi Adverbesque,
Our stories are almost identical.
I didn't really open a relationship, I have no central partner. I have 2 people that I see regularly, so a Vee, I suppose. I adore both of them but harbor no plans of becoming primary to either of them. I am also separated and working through a divorce.

Is it hard to be open and honest?
I chat to each of them about the other to some degree, only the positives.
I ask both of them about their relationships, I have an interest in how other people work relationships especially after a failed marriage. They both tell me more about their relationships than I would offer about mine, I am quite a reserved person and respect privacy. I tell them both if I am meeting someone new but C is not looking for new partners, A is open to more but not actively meeting at this point.

I do discuss them both with my friends and my sister. Girl talk!

A has rules up the yazoo with his open relationship but is whittling them away as his primary becomes more comfortable with me. That's a whole other story
C has a few rules but I am happy to work with them too.

I have found the boards to be an invaluable source of information.
Me: mid 40s female.
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