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  #1  
Old 08-01-2013, 11:04 AM
spicefox spicefox is offline
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Default Hello :) Poly q

So, I'm generally a very mono person and I lost someone last year that I cared deeply for.

We've got back in contact and unfortunately he has a girlfriend. she's not fulfilling any of his needs so he keeps talking about finishing with her. I don't like being the other woman. I prefer being number one

But, this situation has made me realise that I don't mind "sharing" him even though I don't usually.

I've put forward the idea of an open relationship. so mono/poly. in which ive said he just needs to discuss with me first if he wants to sleep with someone else and possibly use protection with the "secondaries". (we don't use condoms, never have)

I'm just wondering anyone elses experience of mono/poly and if you found you cared for someone enough to be willing to be in this sort of relationship with them

Also, I was thinking of writing up some "ground" rules. Type thing, but I dont know whether this is a good or bad idea. I'm thinking good to begin with as neither of us have been in any sort of poly relationship

any comments etc please

also hi! I'm new
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  #2  
Old 08-01-2013, 11:16 AM
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Anyanka Anyanka is offline
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Hi .. I am in a very similar situation.

My guy was in a mono relationship when we met - he was very unhappy and has ended it with her.

He is poly (well, he wants to be) but so far we have only discussed having another woman with us rather than separate relationships altogether .. we are in a LDR which complicates things even further! (he was/is planning on moving here but he just dropped a bombshell on me a few nights ago that this could tak up to 12 months + I am still considering whether I am up for that).

I want him to be happy but am taking it slowly & I don't think I oculd ever have another relationship concurrently although I would be open to FWB. I am just not wired to feel romantic love for more than one person at a time (I don't think) but, I can certainly feel lust.

I guess you're guy needs to talk to his current GF and see how she feels about addressing his needs .. my guy tried this and it just didn't work - the relationship went to hell soon after that (although it was unhealthy t begin with) .. that seems like it would be step 1?
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  #3  
Old 08-01-2013, 11:30 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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"Relationship broken, add more people." Is not generally a formula for healthy relationships.

I would strongly consider stepping back and have him sort out his issues with his girlfriend before negotiating what an open relationship with you will look like.

It's great that you have learned something about yourself from this experience - i.e. that you are not as opposed to "sharing" as you thought. But transitioning to poly/open takes a lot of effort/personal growth for many people. Everyone involved should, ideally, be starting off from a good foundation.

Clearly, at this point, he has other stuff going on - staying vs. finishing relationship with current girlfriend - so, even if mono/poly could work for the two of you - this doesn't seem like a good starting place to come from. He might be tempted to agree to a certain type of open relationship with you just because it looks like a way to salvage a non-ideal situation.

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  #4  
Old 08-01-2013, 11:35 AM
spicefox spicefox is offline
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Thanks

I have told him I'm only willing to be in any sort of relationship with him if she's either a) completely informed b) they split up

I think b is more likely as she meets 0 of his needs (its a very fresh relationship) and basically he likes her body. He just hasn't been able to see her to have a talk and break up with her. I also don't think she'd step back in their relationship and agree to someone else being the primary. she seems very traditional.

I have told him I understand if he chooses her but I can't continue benig the "other" woman, and that its his choice to make.
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  #5  
Old 08-01-2013, 12:25 PM
Cleo Cleo is offline
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why did the 2 of you break up?
why do you need to be his primary?
could you be in a relationship with him being a secondary?

all good questions to ponder before starting an open relationship with someone.
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  #6  
Old 08-01-2013, 12:32 PM
spicefox spicefox is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Cleo View Post
why did the 2 of you break up?
he liked another woman but she broke his heart. he doesnt trust now so i dont think a closed realtionship would be beneficial to either of us

Quote:
why do you need to be his primary?
could you be in a relationship with him being a secondary?
i feel like a secondary right now and i dont particularly like it. i feel like i dont have any control and that the primary has a little bit more. especially as she doesnt know about me. if she was well aware i might feel different.

Quote:
all good questions to ponder before starting an open relationship with someone.
agreed
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  #7  
Old 08-02-2013, 12:31 PM
london london is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by spicefox View Post
So, I'm generally a very mono person and I lost someone last year that I cared deeply for.

We've got back in contact and unfortunately he has a girlfriend. she's not fulfilling any of his needs so he keeps talking about finishing with her. I don't like being the other woman. I prefer being number one

But, this situation has made me realise that I don't mind "sharing" him even though I don't usually.

I've put forward the idea of an open relationship. so mono/poly. in which ive said he just needs to discuss with me first if he wants to sleep with someone else and possibly use protection with the "secondaries". (we don't use condoms, never have)

I'm just wondering anyone elses experience of mono/poly and if you found you cared for someone enough to be willing to be in this sort of relationship with them

Also, I was thinking of writing up some "ground" rules. Type thing, but I dont know whether this is a good or bad idea. I'm thinking good to begin with as neither of us have been in any sort of poly relationship

any comments etc please

also hi! I'm new
Someone who is isn't assertive or strong enough to end a relationship with someone who isn't making them happy is unlikely to be "good poly material". Also, right now, this other woman is not a threat because you know your guy isn't really into her. That gives no indication about how you will react to someone who drives your guy wild and makes his heart leap with joy. Nothing you have said makes me think that you guys would have a healthy poly relationship
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  #8  
Old 08-02-2013, 02:40 PM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by spicefox View Post

I think b is more likely as she meets 0 of his needs (its a very fresh relationship) and basically he likes her body. ...I have told him I understand if he chooses her but I can't continue benig the "other" woman, and that its his choice to make.
Quote:
Originally Posted by JaneQSmythe View Post
So...he is having unprotected sex with you AND she doesn't even KNOW about you....
If he really wanted to break up with her, he would. Here's a guy who has so little respect for this woman that he's
  1. lying to her/cheating on her
  2. badmouthing her to others (telling you she doesn't meet his needs) and
  3. using her as a body he likes having sex with.

You'll eventually be more depressed if you continue to lower yourself to someone like this. I think we all recognize these character flaws, and deep down, being with such a person sends a message to ourselves that that's all we're worth.
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