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  #1  
Old 07-30-2013, 05:29 PM
Atlantis Atlantis is offline
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: USA
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Default Sailing Solo

Many thoughts in the past 24 hours about types of poly and open relationship styles.
One of my partners, A, is an open relationship that comes with many rules. We are going to have a sit down with the print out so I can see them all.
Here is what I know so far...

Veto ( has been wielded regularly and indiscriminately in the past )
One date per week
No sleeping with people who are cheating.
Dates not to last more than 14 hours.
No gifts, giving or receiving.
No anal.
No communication with secondaries when with primary. (usually Thurs-Mon)
No sexting.
No kissing or holding hands in public.
No acknowledging secondaries if seen out while with primary.

Where I am with these...
Veto..really uncomfortable with this. Has been used frequently by the primary as opposed to negotiating the problems.
One date per week...Really frustrating it would be nice to take the odd trip together.( have broken this rule but not on consecutive nights)
No sleeping with cheaters: Very fair
Dates not to last more than 14 hours. He seems fairly strict on this, but we have gone a little over a few times.
No gifts, giving or receiving: We are both acts of love type people, he bought a wall mount and hanged my tv for me. I paid him for it but he did the work. Sigh
No anal. Errm, maybe we have broken this rule.
No communication with secondaries when with primary. (usually Thurs-Mon): He will reply if I ask about scheduling or some such but no chat, no phone
No sexting The odd naughty text but certainly not a full on session.
No kissing or holding hands in public. I am not into PDA so no problem.
No acknowledging secondaries if seen out while with primary I was getting my nails done when he walked in with primary. I had the most uncomfortable 30 mins sitting right next to her. I was not aware of the rule when this happened and had no idea why I was given the "shush, it's a secret". Usually they would leave a place if a secondary is there to avoid introductions but he didn't see me till they sat down.

He got his scooter fixed last week. We got me a helmet and went for a drive along the coast, had a nice dinner, band was playing and we danced on the beach and had a lovely time. Out of the blue.."This would invoke a veto."
What? Why? What are we doing? Response "I am having too much fun with you."

Why do I put up with this...I am an activity slut and love going out to do things. Bar one or 2 occasions, every date has been out and about, sailing, skating, driving, massage, ice hockey game.

Much weighing up to do.
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Me: 40s female
Kip: 50s male, married.
Prof: 50s male.
Joe: 40s, male.
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  #2  
Old 07-31-2013, 05:50 PM
Atlantis Atlantis is offline
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Linguistics and semantics.
Having lived in a few different countries I have picked up a rather mixed vocabulary and range of idioms.
One noticeable difference is how people describe relationships, it even varies from region to region and city to city within a country.
I enjoy learning new words, poly is full of them, and regularly think about how they apply to me.
A is fond of the word "date". I am his "date" when he introduces me to people. We go out on "dates".
I don't think I have ever used the word "date". In the beginning I "meet" someone, if we like each other and progress we are "seeing" each other, I might use the phrase "going out with" in the sense of " I have been going out with A for 6 months" but that would also imply boyfriend/girlfriend ( to me). To say " I have been with...Joe for 1 year" would imply a serious bf/gf S.O. type relationship.
A says we have a "date", I say we are meeting.
I would say I am "seeing" my guys. Definitely not "dating".

So then how do I describe what we are to each other? ( and yes, I do love me a label)

So many different terms in common use..FB, FWB, Play partner, Spouse, gf/bf, Master/slave, Dom/Sub, sweetie, lover, SO, OSO, Partner, domestic partner, friend, confidante, primary, secondary, tertiary. I am sure I have missed a few.

First and foremost they are both my friends. When introducing them to my friends, family or colleagues, they are my friends.

In my head, C is my friend, lover, play partner, master, question answerer, emotional support, sharer of similar childhoods and travel experiences, big on communication.

A is my friend, lover, BDSM partner, master, offer to fix it without being asked person, hang out with the kids friend, open to doing all kinds of activities and also suggest many things to do partner.

The joy of poly...I get to enjoy them both!
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Me: 40s female
Kip: 50s male, married.
Prof: 50s male.
Joe: 40s, male.
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  #3  
Old 08-01-2013, 04:46 PM
Atlantis Atlantis is offline
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Default The List

I got to see the list ( 2 pages) last night and we went through it from the point of view of what rules have been broken and what are likely to get broken and which ones are hard and fast.

We did not get into what I agreed with and didn't agree with.

Not all of the rules apply to the "dates", but those that were, were aimed at limiting and restricting and development of an emotional connection.

Examples: Dates are not friends.
If strong feeling develop for dates then the relationship must end, if the date develops feelings then the relationship must end.
No remaining friends after the date has been vetoed.
Cannot introduce date to friends or family.
Dates have no say in the rules.

I think it is fair to say that the dates are to be treated like fuck buddies.

Rather than say anything then and there I have taken some time to process.
I come back to, "actions speak louder than words".

Has A treated my in anyway that makes me feel like a FB? No, I really don't think so. And that is the bottom line for me. It is fair to say we are both very fond of each other, lots of NRE to wallow in. Lots of great sex.

Can I live with these rules and the other ones? I think so. The only major annoyance is the veto and lack of extended time.

Otherwise, does this relationship work with what I want? Yes, nothing is perfect and the pros currently far outweigh the cons.

I am not looking for a primary type relationship, which is why I started seeing him and C in the first place. We can all care and enjoy but not have unrealistic expectations of white picket-fenced futures.


In peculiar twist to all this, A's primary wants to talk to me on the phone. She has never asked to talk to any of the "dates" before. I agreed. Looks like we will talk next week.
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Kip: 50s male, married.
Prof: 50s male.
Joe: 40s, male.
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  #4  
Old 08-02-2013, 10:53 PM
Atlantis Atlantis is offline
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Things are going fairly well.
A and C are going to meet next week. We are having a 3some, fingers crossed.
A hasn't had one before, neither have I, C has experienced a number so is going to take the lead in the beginning.

Lots of excited IMing going on. Expectations, want to try activities, basic ground rules, we are all in agreement at this point.

C made a rather cute comment... He has usually been invited to MFMs as the second M, and has never had to "share his girlfriend" with another man before. Apparently it is "different" with FMF and FFM combinations, OPP, I think.
A little possessiveness, a little bit "we", sweet.

I think the phone conversation with S will about how separated from my ex I am. We are not divorced yet, it ground to a stop few months ago as I had to focus on other divorce related legal issues. I need these settled before we go back to the actual dissolution part.

She wants to see a married but separated man, A is not convinced they are separated and wants to talk to the wife.

S is surprised to I agreed to talk to her at all. Maybe she won't even call, it is not something I am particularly stressing over. Hopefully, she will get the answers she is looking for and turn the veto gun in another direction.
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Me: 40s female
Kip: 50s male, married.
Prof: 50s male.
Joe: 40s, male.
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  #5  
Old 08-05-2013, 04:36 AM
Atlantis Atlantis is offline
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Join Date: Jul 2013
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Posts: 236
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C and I have planned a day together. It will involve a day off work for both of us. I am really looking forward to it.
We are going to play a little tennis, he is good and quite competitive. I hope to distract him by wearing a cute white dress. I haven't worn it yet as I can't quite work out where to put the balls and I can't bring myself to buy one of those belt/clippy things. I usually play in a pair of work out pants that have voluminous pockets.
After I get thrashed, we will hit the adult shop and pick out a collar. I am slowly building my collection of restraint and BDSM gear. And yes, there is a little more to buying the collar than just building the collection.

A has a quite extensive collection and is extremely particular about it. We spent a fun Sunday afternoon putting together his custom ordered spanking bench and St Andrew's cross. Just like IKEA, tab A into slot B. Then we really put tab A into slot B.

A is going to bring some of his gear on 3some day and let C watch. This will be interesting, Master and Sir in the same room and the same time.
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Me: 40s female
Kip: 50s male, married.
Prof: 50s male.
Joe: 40s, male.
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  #6  
Old 08-07-2013, 08:17 PM
Atlantis Atlantis is offline
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Join Date: Jul 2013
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Posts: 236
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Chatting with C a while ago about primary and secondary relationships. "Am I your primary?", he asked. "No," I replied, "A primary to me is someone you call when you need a ride to and from hospital." Of course there are many other definitions but to me that was one of the core ones. I have no family over here and rely heavily on friends to help out with such things.
Fast forward to Monday, playing tennis, running backwards for an overhead shot...down I go, ankle underneath me. It swelled up like a balloon straight away.
C got to be my primary, he took me to the ER, got a wheelchair, held my hand, joked with the nurses, took me home, popped to the shops and made lunch. He asked if he could be my primary now. He remembered the previous conversation. I said he could. We both understand that it is not what anyone else would call a primary relationship; we don't share finances, raise kids or share a home, but I appreciated him wanting to be important and to be considered a special person and if having that label makes him feel so, then I am happy to make him happy.
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Me: 40s female
Kip: 50s male, married.
Prof: 50s male.
Joe: 40s, male.
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