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Old 07-14-2013, 04:27 AM
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bruisepristne bruisepristne is offline
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Default Need perspective...please???

Hi everyone, this is my second post, as I am new to these parts and to this life.
Something happened tonight that really upset me and I need some perspective and to know if I am overreacting?? I took my BF to a very fancy dinner that I planned for his birthday tonight. (We are primaries and we have a six yr old together...he has 2 other relationships outside ours) So while we are at dinner he kind of drifted off, and I asked him what he was thinking about. He said I didn't want to know and when I asked why he said it was because "he was thinking about sticking his tongue down someone else's throat." I am out of line to be upset? I got all dressed up, researched restaurants and menus so he could sit across the table and daydream about someone else? My feelings are really hurt and the sex I have been thinking about all day I don't even care about now.
I take some responsibility as I am the one who posed the question, but damn. I never would have had I known that would be the answer.
I am struggling with and trying already to work through my own insecurities about this poly world, and I know that is my problem, but when you love someone aren't you supposed to be somewhat sensitive and supportive of them and whatever they are going through?
I don't know, to top it off, I feel bad because I feel like I put a cloud over the evening...ugh.
Advice? Perspective? All is welcome and super appreciated.
Thanks so much.
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Old 07-14-2013, 06:16 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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I strongly believe in not asking a question unless you are prepared for the worst possible answer.
Simultaneously-I believe that was arrogant, self-centered and rude on his part.
I would have walked out and left him sitting there alone. Seriously.
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Old 07-14-2013, 06:23 AM
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That was kind of rude and tactless.
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Old 07-14-2013, 08:34 AM
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He acted idiotically. If it were me, I would have said to him, "Is it really too much to ask that you be present and attentive when you are with me? Do you even appreciate the effort I made to give you a special night? You can't even bother to control where your mind goes?" And then I would have left.

It doesn't sound like he is handling having multiple relationships very well at all. He really bungled that one.
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Old 07-14-2013, 09:40 AM
Dirtclustit Dirtclustit is offline
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Default not to jump to conclusions

but that is strange and would ask him if he honestly had any intention of purposely behaving in ways so that he could tell you that information and have it be your fault. Because that was taking being an asshole to the extreme.That's exactly the type of behavior that ruins Polyships.

but on the other hand, if you have to pretend he doesn't have those feelings on occasion, it will cause problems later (although hopefully he won't rub your face in it reminding you during the time your time with him)

If you can talk with him about it in ways so that he can understand, than the at least the hurt won't be for nothing. If it can be used to prevent a more severe repeat scenario, these mistakes can be healing. If Birthday dinner means it doesn't happen on your anniversary, then it's good you got it out of the way.

In general though, I think it is a better idea to not hurt you before you ask the question (if that makes sense) LR is right, you really need to be careful asking questions if you know the answer will hurt. But if he is going to give you a chance to retract it , I think saying

"it makes me uncomfortable to think of my lovers in comparison, do we have to discuss this now?"

is much better than

"you don't want to know the answer to that question" because the first way of asking "are you sure?" doesn't insinuate the answer you don't want to hear

but your situation was different, as you didn't ask about kissing or comparisons, you simply asked what he was thinking

Last edited by Dirtclustit; 07-14-2013 at 09:58 AM. Reason: typos
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Old 07-14-2013, 02:37 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
That was kind of rude and tactless.
Even though a person is responsible for their own expectations and should be mindful of asking questions they don't want the answer to... what gives with his answer? I mean, surely he could tell there was a romantic evening going on and could have been a bit more tactful.

"My mind was wandering, sorry baby. You look wonderful, I can't tell which part of you I want to put in my mouth first!" ... I mean come on dude.
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Old 07-14-2013, 03:29 PM
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Quote:
He said I didn't want to know and when I asked why he said it was because "he was thinking about sticking his tongue down someone else's throat." I am out of line to be upset?
Rude 2 times over. Ugh. No wonder you are upset.

1) He could be accurate and own that he doesn't want to share. Which is what it is really -- HIS willingness to disclose rather than your willingness to hear/know. He doesn't live in your brain. He can't tell you what you do/do not want to know. You asked, right? So you DO want to know.

2) He could apologize and be present with you on your shared date. Could say "Sorry, my mind was drifting off. I'm not willing to keep it over there. Let's bring it back to where it belongs -- here with US, YOU. Tell me about..." and re-engage in conversation with you on your shared date.

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Old 07-14-2013, 07:04 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Marcus View Post

"My mind was wandering, sorry baby. You look wonderful, I can't tell which part of you I want to put in my mouth first!" ... I mean come on dude.
THIS!
I was discussing this post last night with GG.
He tried (admirably but even he couldn't pull it off in hypotheticals) to defend the guy.
The bottom line came down to-yes we all have moments when our minds wander.
But just saying "wow honey-I'm sorry, I drifted off, that was rude" would have been HONEST without being RUDE.

It's almost like he was trying to destroy the chances of the evening going well.

In fact-I see his response "you don't want to know" as being on par with asking a question you may not want to hear the answer to-on purpose.
Game playing.

I never ask "do these jeans make me look fat".
I ask "does this look ok or?" and sometimes Maca or GG says "I'd rather see you in xyz outfit". Shrug.

But setting someone up for a failed conversation that will potentially lead to a downhill slide emotionally? Rude.

Don't ask questions you aren't ready to hear honest answers to.
Don't answer questions without compassion and care.

(Christ-Marcus and I aren't that rude to each other on here and we don't even know each other :P )
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Old 07-14-2013, 10:23 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
I would have walked out and left him sitting there alone. Seriously.
Word!

To be fair on the OP, who would have anticipated that???
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Old 07-14-2013, 01:02 PM
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The only silver lining here is, at least he didn't say he was thinking about sticking his dick down someone else's throat.

I'm sorry he said something so unexpected after all the loving effort you made.
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"Master," (mono, M, 36), Pixie's Dom for 3+ years
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