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Old 07-09-2013, 04:21 AM
erkabu erkabu is offline
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Unhappy New and so sad

Hi, everyone. First post here, so be gentle.

I met the greatest guy ever from OKCupid about a week and half ago and somehow let myself really fall for him even though I found out that he was in an open marriage (not normally my thing). After we talked, I realized he was probably poly and so I've been devouring everything about poly online this past week.

I'm a very open-minded, optimistic, and loving person and I started getting really excited about this lifestyle and the possibility of also being friends with his wife, hanging out with all of our kids together, etc. Being one big, happy family with lots of love for everyone to go around.

This guy and I have so much in common and we clicked in a way that I haven't felt in over 10 years. I've been hurt a lot and have a pretty thick shell, but in just two dates I already could see and feel such a wonderful future for us.

Anyway, he just called me and told me his wife noticed that he was really happy and so she vetoed our relationship. We hadn't even talked about the rules of our relationship yet because when we last met I didn't even know anything about the poly lifestyle. I found this great card online that had questions for secondaries to ask to clarify where they stand before they get sucked into a bad situation. Too late...

He said that she has been having problems with her boyfriend and so can't deal with him being happy. She's threatened by me because I'm not his usual type and she can see him so happy since we met. I don't think that he's able to convince her to change her mind. It sounds like he does whatever she says (which would have doomed our relationship anyway, but still what a way to find out).

So I've been crying (which almost never happens -- as I mentioned hard shell) and feeling so sad. I've been reading lots of threads on this forum over the past week and thought maybe some of you could send me some good thoughts and sympathy. This isn't exactly something that I can talk about with anyone I know.
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Old 07-09-2013, 04:51 AM
calypsoblu calypsoblu is offline
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Put simply, you are worth more than that, and I sincerely hope you feel that way about yourself. Sounds like you need to move on from here and meet someone else to explore the poly life with, he is not a good choice based on the fact his wife can veto your relationship on a selfish whim. Your relationship will never develop to its full potential w her in charge, ever. And it seems this is what their relationship model of poly is for them, it probably wont change.
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Old 07-09-2013, 05:19 AM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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a WEEK and a HALF ago? You mean like, ten DAYS ago?

How old are you?

Take a bath in some ice water. That should set you straight.
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Old 07-10-2013, 01:44 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BoringGuy View Post
a WEEK and a HALF ago? You mean like, ten DAYS ago?

How old are you?

Take a bath in some ice water. That should set you straight.
OP,
What BG wrote wasn't rude at all - I was going to write the same thing. Just because you ask posters to be "gentle" doesn't mean you're going to get "gentle."

I mean, crying your eyes out over someone you only knew for ten days -- really? I'd seriously be worried about my state of mind if I found myself doing that. Have you been depressed lately? Are you on meds that maybe need an adjustment in dosage? It's one thing to be happy and hopeful over someone you just met, but weepy is another thing entirely, and not a reasonable response. Even if you were monogamous, it sounds like you don't have much of a stomach for dating in general, if that was your reaction. Therapy might help.
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Old 07-09-2013, 05:50 AM
kkxvlv kkxvlv is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by erkabu View Post

Anyway, he just called me and told me his wife noticed that he was really happy and so she vetoed our relationship.

He said that she has been having problems with her boyfriend and so can't deal with him being happy. She's threatened by me because I'm not his usual type and she can see him so happy since we met. I don't think that he's able to convince her to change her mind. It sounds like he does whatever she says (which would have doomed our relationship anyway, but still what a way to find out).
Yeesh they sound lovely. Good thing you found out so quickly though.
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Old 07-09-2013, 06:00 AM
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Natja Natja is offline
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Yeah, good escape there OP, you should be relieved not sad!!!!
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Old 07-09-2013, 11:14 AM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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I am sorry op. It sucks being hurt.

But I will agree with others. At least you found out early on. You definitely do not want to get involved with someone whose partner has that kind of power over your life not to mention wields it vandictively.

Do not get yourself wrapped up in a fanasty world when dating. You had 2 dates and you were planning a future together? Hon you hadn't even seen the real him yet. I also hate to pop your poly fantasy bubble. Just because you would have been dating him it doesn't mean you and his wife were going to be bff's or even like each other. My husband and biyfriend definately aren't they are respectful of each other but my boyfriend wouldn't want to hangout with him socially.

As for thinking of bringing the kids into things after 2 dates wtf are you thinking. This is not something you bring children into Willy nilly. Kids tell the world your secrets. Plus you just shouldn't invovle children in your dating life period until you are sure they will be around a long time . Society isn't exactly the most accepting place, and a lot of oso's are kept as dirty little secrets.

Again sorry you're hurting and I am sure others will give better advice for you.
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Old 07-09-2013, 12:12 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Hi erkabu,

Welcome to the boards. I can empathize with you as I had 2 occasions in my past 4 years of dating (since my divorce) that something similar happened.

2 really nice guys, 2 insecure controlling women (one a wife, one a gf). One date, lots of sparks, intimate talks, lots of flirting, some physical contact (sex with the first one, holding hands and kissing a bit with the second), requests of 2nd guy to FB friend him, hormones of NRE rushing through my veins.

The 2nd guy, M, was more recent. I'd known he and his gf had had a shared gf (unicorn) just a few months previously. Said unicorn had had a big blowup with his primary and broke up with them. I'd told him I don't date couples when we'd been IMing before meeting and he ran it by his gf, who said, go ahead. (I wasn't attracted to her-- I'd looked at her ok cupid profile and pix.)

Well, soon after our date, M told me she told him he couldn't see me anymore. This woman was friends of friends of MY bf and he'd FBed M too. I took M off my FB after he bailed, but my bf stayed on his list and he was my spy, heh. He told me a month or so after I'd met M, his gf broke up with HIM.

Dramaz!

Anyway, I was disappointed, I did feel bitter, but luckily after 4 years of dating, coming across fools and cads from time to time, I got over it pretty quick. I hope you do too. And I hope you find a better guy sooner rather than later!
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  #9  
Old 07-09-2013, 01:29 PM
bookbug bookbug is offline
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Hon, I agree with the other posters, it is best you found out after two dates. It could have been far worse. I moved in with a couple - at her urging - everything was beautiful, until with no explanation she went 180 degrees and everything blew up. I won't bore you with the painful details.

That said, this kind of insecure, controlling, I don't want my partner to be happy unless I say so crap eventually destroys relationships. After a year and 2 marriage counselors, the couple I was with is divorcing. Does it bring me any satisfaction. No. Everybody got badly hurt in the end.

I know you are sad, but you dodged a huge bullet.
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Old 07-09-2013, 04:56 PM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by erkabu View Post
I met the greatest guy ever from OKCupid about a week and half ago and somehow let myself really fall for him even though I found out that he was in an open marriage (not normally my thing). After we talked, I realized he was probably poly and so I've been devouring everything about poly online this past week.
I also just want to say, just because he's in an open marriage doesn't mean he is poly, as you can tell from what's happened, each person's open relationship can be very different, so talking about the specifics, including stuff like those "secondaries" questions and how they handle it when their partners fall for somebody else is very important. In this case a question about how they handle NRE might be important, I get the sense perhaps he might have been carried away and acting like an ass to get that reaction from his wife.

I'll also say that if you date somebody seriously committed to somebody else, it's smart to find out how their partner defines their open relationship too, as often enough two people in a couple can have very different viewpoints. Example - wife DOES define herself as poly and would be happy if he fell in love with you and be glad to be your friend, but he might define himself as open and like dating/sex but reflexively shudder at the idea of having a *future* and tends not to like his partners socializing together although he's romantic and affectionate one on one. Getting all that information ASAP lets you make a decision about if it's a good fit for you, since there are so many varied combinations and complications when there are established partnerships.

Sounds like if you decide to date other people who are non monogamous you'll be asking this stuff right away and be better prepared though.
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Last edited by Anneintherain; 07-09-2013 at 05:00 PM.
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