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  #1  
Old 07-05-2013, 01:49 AM
graviton graviton is offline
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Default cheating wife started my poly relationship

hi gang. Here is the short sweet version. My wife opened up the idea of going poly because she was interested in women. She ended up having both an emotional and physical affair with the husband of the woman she was interested in. She also had a physical and emotional relationship with his wife that I was fully knowledgeable of and gave consent to. It was her interest in this woman that opened up our relationship to poly. I told her that if she was willing to go down that path that I should be allowed to pursue her good friend who I have had a very flirtatious relationship with over the last couple years. I was able to convince her friend to start dating me, and a couple months later I found out about her affair with the husband. I was furious, I don't think I was in my right mind and as a result verbally abused her and kicked her out of the house for several days. I decided to take her back and tried to work on getting back to forgiving her and loving her (we have 2 young boys). One of the terms of our being reunited was that she was no longer allowed to date outside of our marriage. I on the other hand am unwilling to stop dating her friend as we have both fallen deeply in love with each other. This happened about 6 months ago and I'm still fighting the desire to leave her. The days get better as more time passes so I think I'm over the hump. She is angry at me for taking her friend from her. What are your thoughts about this whole mess ? What if I told you the other man was my cousin?

Last edited by graviton; 07-05-2013 at 01:51 AM.
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Old 07-05-2013, 02:26 AM
Icewraithonyx Icewraithonyx is offline
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My first thought was that, during this time of marital strain, having an extra relationship could be taking away resources that are needed to repair things between you and Wife. While GF is in the picture, there's not as much motivation to reconnect?
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Old 07-05-2013, 02:58 AM
bookbug bookbug is offline
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I get that you are angry, and I do understand why. No one likes to feel deceived.

That said shut down the emotions for a minute and ask yourself if you logically think it is viable over the long term for you to keep seeing your gf while your wife is not allowed the same freedoms? First of all, while you have your gf, it gives you the luxury of remaining angry. And I do mean luxury. Seriously, this happened 6 months ago and it sounds like emotionally you have barely moved past day 1. Why is that?

Secondly, the inequity of the situation is not conducive to forming a healthy, loving relationship. You may feel justified. That said, while trust must be re-earned, it doesn't sound like you are doing much to resolve your emotions on the issue. I think you know deep down that the way you are treating your wife is not helping to heal the rift between you, but you are not willing to do the hard thing of either letting your gf go to concentrate on your marriage or the equally hard thing of forgiving her and allowing her her loves.

As for the guy being your cousin, how is that relevant? I see no importance in that.
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Old 07-05-2013, 02:59 AM
bookbug bookbug is offline
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Have you and your wife seen a marriage counselor?
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Old 07-05-2013, 05:42 AM
graviton graviton is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bookbug View Post
As for the guy being your cousin, how is that relevant? I see no importance in that.
I have moved light years away from the anger and resentment I was feeling 6 months ago. I'm not sure if you have ever been cheated on by your wife. But 6 months is a paltry amount of time in the healing process. I have forgiven her. The problem of him being my cousin is that I can't escape a trigger point for my anger and sadness due to him being a BIG part in my extended family. I can't think about or go to family functions without having to be reminded of their major breach of boundaries and respect to our marriage. If he were some other dude it would be easier to handle because it would be easier to remove him from my (and her) life, a very important step in healing from cheating. As far as her seeing others. She has admitted she fcked up and feels that poly isn't for her because she doesn't trust herself to be open and honest in that setting.
Thanks for your views I do take them to heart (especially you Marcus as I always love your analysis of every situation). I do recognize that by not giving up my girlfriend it may sap resources from the healing. I just can't stand the thought of breaking her or my heart because of something my wife did. My heart has already been broken once, I don't feel its fair to punish us (in yet another way as my wife's betrayal really caused a lot of pain to my girlfriend also when she saw how it affected me) because of my wife cheating. Losing my other love will only open new wounds and create more resentment towards my wife.
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Old 07-05-2013, 06:38 AM
london london is offline
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Leave your wife, be poly with your girlfriend if you want to. There is no point being with someone you cannot trust unless you can completely forgive them. You can't forgive her. What's the point of being with someone you can't trust? And, forbidding her from dating whilst you do, even given the circumstance, is unethical. That's why I think you should just end it and move on.

Last edited by london; 07-05-2013 at 06:42 AM.
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Old 07-05-2013, 06:46 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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She doesn't necessarily need to give up being with your cousin in order to make amends and rebuild trust. Plenty of poly people stay with the people they cheated with, while they worked on the relationship with the partners they cheated on. Forgiveness means to wipe the slate clean as if it never happened. You don't sound like you've forgiven her at all - in fact you sound quite bitter and vindictive. You're punishing her and trying to control her, but aren't getting any satisfaction out of that because to do so is really futile. You're having a tantrum. If I were either your girlfriend or your wife, I'd dump you for being so immature. I recommend counseling with a poly-friendly therapist, and stop thinking you have a right to punish your wife. Move on!
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Old 07-05-2013, 02:53 PM
bookbug bookbug is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by graviton View Post
I have moved light years away from the anger and resentment I was feeling 6 months ago. I'm not sure if you have ever been cheated on by your wife. But 6 months is a paltry amount of time in the healing process. I have forgiven her.
I am female.

Okay, the reason, I came to the conclusion that you had not forgiven your wife is that you stated you still entertain thoughts of leaving her. That doesn't sound like forgiveness, but perhaps I am mistaken?

Quote:
Originally Posted by graviton View Post
The problem of him being my cousin is that I can't escape a trigger point for my anger and sadness due to him being a BIG part in my extended family. I can't think about or go to family functions without having to be reminded of their major breach of boundaries and respect to our marriage. If he were some other dude it would be easier to handle because it would be easier to remove him from my (and her) life, a very important step in healing from cheating.
Okay, yes, I can see where proximity would be an issue.

Quote:
Originally Posted by graviton View Post
As far as her seeing others. She has admitted she fcked up and feels that poly isn't for her because she doesn't trust herself to be open and honest in that setting.
If this is true, then why is she angry at you for denying access to her friend?
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  #9  
Old 07-05-2013, 04:47 PM
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Vixtoria Vixtoria is offline
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OKay here's a quick reply from a cheater. The problem is, hubby and I started out this way, I had an affair, I wanted DESPERATELY to make it work and keep the person I had an affair with. We also went to a lot of lists for poly mono. Lists I have since left because of the attitudes of the 'poly' side.

Forgiveness. Still figuring this out, what it means, how to do it. We are actually in therapy now. It's been more than six years. We are in a better place but our issue is that forgiveness is NOT a clean slate. I dont' get that shit at all! We are all adults, let's be honest. As nice as it would be to have a clean slate at times in our life, you don't get one. You can't change what you've done, even if you feel badly about it so the idea that ANYONE is owed a clean slate is utter BS.

Now, as far as actually forgiving your wife and moving forward, I'm skipping the whole whether you need to keep or dump your gf. Can you ask her to take a break, that you need to back off and work on your marriage? Sure. But for a group of people that feel that you only NEED to do things that mean you stay true to yourself to say that the person cheated on MUST anything is crap. Yes there are maybe one or two people here that cheated, kept the person they cheated with and still worked out the marriage. MINORITY. Sorry, is true. The idea of knowing that this person, not just your spouse, but this other person has also decided you weren't worth telling the truth to, worth the respect of backing off, well that's crap. Again.

Here's just how we started to heal. I hope it helps. I gave up my right to privacy. Obviously I was lying and cheating and couldn't be trusted. Trust had to be built. So if he wanted to, he read every email, every IM, every text. He was privvy to every phone call. IF he wanted. At first yes he really wanted. As time went by and I built up trust, he didn't feel the need to anymore.

When I got involved with someone again he was apprised of every step. We are talking, we said I love you, we had cyber sex. Details, only if he asked, but THAT is how you build trust. By being honest and slowly showing that you are not going to lie again.

Saying she can't date, well right now she probably doesn't want to. It blew up in her face. But sayign she can't means that when she does want to or gets the infatuation with someone she'll probably lie. To you and herself. Been down that road to. If we don't SAY we love each other it's just friends and it's fine! It wasn't, we were lying to ourselves and so then to my hubby. So tell her it's not a no dating, it's a take a break for now, build up trust and so that she DOES tell you when she is interested in someone, when she is talking to them.

Sadly, there is an overwhelming feeling in the poly world that most cheat because they just didn't KNOW they were poly, so it's more easily forgiven. CLEAN SLATE. It's not. People who are cheated on know this. there is no clean slate, there's pain and you have a right to it. You also have a right to grieve. Now decide. Move forward, or cut losses. If you are moving forward you have to ACTIVELY work on trust building. It's hard, but her lies and cheating have basically destroyed the foundation of your house. Time to rebuild, and it's a bitch.

Good luck.
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  #10  
Old 07-05-2013, 09:11 PM
graviton graviton is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bookbug View Post
I am female.

Okay, the reason, I came to the conclusion that you had not forgiven your wife is that you stated you still entertain thoughts of leaving her. That doesn't sound like forgiveness, but perhaps I am mistaken?

Okay, yes, I can see where proximity would be an issue.



If this is true, then why is she angry at you for denying access to her friend?
One can forgive, but if the relationship and connection changes to something else that feels too different, then it may still be best to leave.

She feels that my relationship with her friend has tainted her relationship with the friend. She recognizes the hypocrisy in that considering how my family has been tainted.

Last edited by nycindie; 07-05-2013 at 09:19 PM. Reason: fixed quotes
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