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Old 06-26-2013, 05:06 AM
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melodee1981 melodee1981 is offline
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Hi there, I am in kind of a tough place and need advice. I am a married woman in my early thirties and my husband is also the same ago. We have two small children. I love my husband and have such a great bong and connection. However, I have cheated multiple times with multiple people and he only knows of one. I do not want to keep secrets from him but I want to explore an open marriage and jut don't know how to bring up the subject. I found out recently he was talking to an old friend from school and wanted to meet up for drinks one night. I asked about her and he denied any plans. I expressed the fact that I would be okay if he wanted to see her and he just wanted to drop the subject. I guess I just want to know if I'm way out in left field or not.
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Old 06-26-2013, 05:13 AM
london london is offline
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The first thing I'd do is work on the marriage. If you struggle to keep commitments to one person, you'll struggle when more people are involved. I understand that you might have cheated because you found monogamy difficult but your marriage still isn't in a place where you are communicating honestly with one another. Bringing people into this kind of situation isn't only unfair on them, but your problems will escalate dramatically with others involved. Work on you guys first, seriously.
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Old 06-26-2013, 05:15 AM
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Vinceklortho Vinceklortho is offline
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Like you, I'm relatively new to all of this, but I would say that it sounds like you two have deeper issues. I wouldn't look at adding relationships as a balm that will make all that just go away. If I were you, I would feel weird about opening up your relationship when you're still not being completely honest with him. How can you expect to be honest going forward? It's like a boil you've got to lance before you can heal and move on. What you described with the friend suggests to me that he might be having the same issues. That doesn't mean you're ready to open up your relationship; it probably means the opposite. I'd say you need to straighten out things between the two of you before you go adding anyone else into the mix, especially with two small children involved. I just went through a divorce with three small kids, and it tore my heart out.

Honesty. Have it out. One way or another, you'll figure out whether you two should be together. Figure that out first.

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Old 06-26-2013, 05:18 AM
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melodee1981 melodee1981 is offline
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Thank you for your honest opinions. I really do appreciate it
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Old 06-26-2013, 01:29 PM
gorgeouskitten gorgeouskitten is offline
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Im going to go out on a limb here and tell you i did bring up poly before 'working on the marriage'. For myself, I knew that i could not work on things with him under the assumption that i wanted to be mono, because i would be unhappy and it wouldnt actually work. before i asked to go poly, we tried a counselor and it was just a horrible awful experience. I decided to just ask/tell him, and go from there. I realize this wouldnt work for everyone...but I knew that if i tried to 'fix' our relationship while he thoguht i wanted only him, i was being dishonest. I dont know if you want more info than that but im happy to talk
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Old 06-27-2013, 01:11 AM
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melodee1981 melodee1981 is offline
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Thanks, I appreciate the honesty. But I am still unsure.
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Old 06-27-2013, 04:12 AM
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Marcus Marcus is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by melodee1981 View Post
Thanks, I appreciate the honesty. But I am still unsure.
What are you unsure about? Whether or not you want to talk to him or just continue having affairs and lying? Or are you unsure about what is going on with him and his 'date' (he's probably having an affair, by the way)? How long to you intend to keep playing these games with each other?

Either way, if you want your relationship to be even remotely healthy you guys are going to need to cut this lying crap out and actually have a discussion like adults. Guessing and hinting and lying and breaking trust is never going to bring anything but harm.
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