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  #1  
Old 06-21-2013, 06:25 PM
starmonkey starmonkey is offline
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Default I screwed up and tried to control someone

OK - I have been in a polyamorous relationship for under a year now, and I could really use some help from those who have been doing this longer.
I screwed up. My partner has been casually seeing someone for a few weeks, and asked him if he wanted to be be her secondary. He declined, saying he wanted to have a monogamous relationship - he couldn't handle me in the picture.
Now it gets fun.
So my partner then sinks into a depression. I am trying to console her pretty much all night and into the morning. I want to blame it on lack of sleep, or heavy emotional content, but the fact is I found out in the early morning that she slept with him again after he declined her offer, and couldn't handle it. We got into the worst argument we have ever been in. I asked her if she was done sleeping with him several times, and she would answer with, maybe or probably - I wanted to hear that she was done.
I feel incredibly insecure, somewhat jealous, and I feel betrayed. I can't shake the thought that once someone tells you they want you exclusively, continuing to sleep with them afterwards isn't cool - I'm not ok with my partner being with someone who isn't OK with me. It is still hurting me that she isn't 100% done with him.
Some of this might also be due to my focusing too much on her. Right now the only other woman I've been seeing is across the country, so I only see her 2 or 3 times a year, and we haven't had sex in about 7 months. I've gone on a few dates with guys, but nothing ever got past the first one.
I welcome any input. This is my first poly relationship, and I've been really OK until now. I've already apologized for my behavior this morning (I am really tired), but I really need some pointers on how to deal with this.
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Old 06-21-2013, 06:40 PM
london london is offline
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She might be going through something I went through when I realised exactly what me being poly means for my future. I was seeing this guy, he was so hot, so good in bed, so great, but this poly thing just wasn't him. At the time, I was also kind of seeing this other guy, a guy I knew would only ever be compatible for a secondary style relationship. Our long term goals were too different for us to like, live together or anything. I liked him though. And, more than anything else, it wouldn't have been ethical to just dump him. Needless to say, the first guy couldn't ever see me as relationship material, I was someone elses. That barrier he put up was so awful for me as well as the stark realisation that the majority of men are monogamous. It was quite a time of mixed emotions. Yes, I did feel a element of resentment towards the other guy I was seeing for a bit.

I saw this guy a few more times after I knew the score. Just did. If I'm totally honest I text him in a low moment recently. No reply. I don't know why because I know even if we feel madly in love, monogamy wouldn't make me happy. Just stupid shit that people do, I guess.
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Old 06-21-2013, 07:48 PM
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Marcus Marcus is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by starmonkey View Post
He declined, saying he wanted to have a monogamous relationship - he couldn't handle me in the picture.
This happens, unfortunately. It can be mitigated by being totally up front about being poly and explicit about non-monogamy, but it still happens on occasion. I've seen this described as someone being a "cowboy" or "cowgirl"... essentially trying to poach a monogamous relationship out of someone who is expressly polyamorous.

IV encounters this periodically on OKCupid. Guys will contact her, see that she is what they perceive as "easy", and go in. They never stop to consider that she won't leave her current lovers for them and that even asking her to do so is offensive. Still, they try to dive right in and try to get her to leave her lovers and join them in a happy little monogamous relationship.

It's just a disconnect that some monogamous people have with the idea of polyamory; not much to be done but to watch for the red flags.

Quote:
Originally Posted by starmonkey View Post
I can't shake the thought that once someone tells you they want you exclusively, continuing to sleep with them afterwards isn't cool
For me, in my relationships, I agree completely. I won't tolerate for a moment someone who mentions (even in passing) that they want me to be monogamous with them. "Check please.." is the next noise I will make.

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Originally Posted by starmonkey View Post
I'm not ok with my partner being with someone who isn't OK with me. It is still hurting me that she isn't 100% done with him.
I will not date a woman who classifies her husband/boyfriend/whatever as her "primary". The reason I will not do this is because I don't like the idea that my relationship with a person is subject to the whim of some outside party. If I have to end a relationship I want it to be because of what is happening with *us*, not because some insecure putz decided he wanted to yank her choke chain.

I say this because, it is a similar issue with my partner dating a cowboy. If my partner is willing to date a cowboy then that makes me uneasy. That means they are spending time with someone who is trying desperately to get them to leave me. Granted, I won't tell them who they should date but it does make me question whether or not *we* should be dating.

You don't get to decide for your partner who she dates, but you do get to decide if that is the kind of environment you want to be associated and whether you want to stay in it or not.
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Old 06-21-2013, 07:54 PM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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As long as he is being respectful and not putting his nose in your relationship with your gf then MYOB and stay out of theirs.

I can't stand people who want to micromanage other people's relationships.
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Old 06-21-2013, 08:36 PM
starmonkey starmonkey is offline
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As long as he is being respectful and not putting his nose in your relationship with your gf then MYOB and stay out of theirs.

I can't stand people who want to micromanage other people's relationships.
You know what? I admitted I was wrong in my title, admitted I was new, told the truth about how I felt, and was genuinely looking for information - basically asking for help.

You may not have any useful advice, could at least have been nice to me. Telling someone in pain that you can't stand them is pretty mean.
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Old 06-21-2013, 08:47 PM
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You may not have any useful advice, could at least have been nice to me. Telling someone in pain that you can't stand them is pretty mean.
This AGAIN! Who is telling everyone that every person they meet on the internet is sweet exactly according to their own fine tuned preference?
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Old 06-21-2013, 09:04 PM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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This AGAIN! Who is telling everyone that every person they meet on the internet is sweet exactly according to their own fine tuned preference?
In my case it is more I am answering via smart phone and I am a blunt person by nature.

Plus why sugar coat things. Bad behavior is bad behavior and there are consequences for every action.
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Old 06-21-2013, 08:48 PM
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Maybe Dagferi shared their opinion a little strongly.

I'd agree with the sentiment though. People get to end relationships the way they want or need to. You get to feel anyway you want about how she's handling it, but I'd recommend giving her some space to cry, to have a last fuck or two, whatever. You don't need to take it personally if this guy you've never met doesn't feel comfortable being a "secondary."

Personally I feel your gf fucked up asking him to be her "secondary" after a few weeks of casual dating. It's kinda like telling someone you love them too soon, or asking them if you can call them bf/gf too soon. Only worse, because for a mono guy, there's an implied insult perhaps, in being thought of as secondary. Yuck. I'm as poly as can be, and I'd be insulted if someone asked me outright to be their secondary.
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  #9  
Old 06-23-2013, 02:47 AM
Dirtclustit Dirtclustit is offline
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Default Dagferi is a perfect example

of an honest, no sugar coating, delivery of a perspective. Nothing intended as a slight or subtle insult. Nothing high and mighty.

to the OP

I 've found myself in a couple of situations similar to yours Starmonkey, from both sides of the fence, including a time when I wasn't even dating the woman nor had I even met her face to face, in fact I am pretty sure he was already friendzoned and maybe that's why he couldn't deal with my online "friendship".

But one of the other times when there was a point or two of contention, the woman who was dating both of us I had asked if "they had ever thought about seeing other people" and I was told "No" I emphasized "they" because although I didn't ask both of them personally, I had asked his girlfriend if "they" had thought about it because I respected their relationship. My relationship was much more than a casual friendship but I did make try for quite some time to be supportive as a friend, but it didn't work out.

To be honest this was over five years ago and I had a few relationships that I guess most people these semantically correct days would consider swinging, even though my relationships were never just about sex. When I began dating this woman however, I kept my relationships with other women platonic. I remained friends with women I had been sexually involved with because I was truly their friend, and their spouses knew of me and had met me (a couple of them trusted me more than they did their SO) This was years before I ever had internet access at home and the only online networking I did was from work and only e-mail as a form of communication with others and only work related communicating.

When I finally did get internet access at home, was about the same time I met the woman whose boyfriend I clashed with. I met her in everyday life, not on the internet. Social networking was how I found out that she was not "seeing" me exclusively and I had thought that our commitment was to fully disclosing other friendships that became sexual as we weren't using protection.

SC advice sounds right on to me, and it would have rung true in my situation, as many times he was being a prick about things, when I had often stuck up for him, and the times I didn't was due mainly to the fact that I was in the dark after I had asked her if they had thought about seeing others (poly wasn't a term I was familiar with) and I was told "No, neither of us is into "seeing" other people" in tone that as I understood it, my question was like slapping them in the face, which I in no way meant to do.

As far as I knew, he was an old friend, but from the information I was given, the relationship didn't turn sexual until long after my sexual relationship with her (which was never more then "dating" according to her, which I didn't have a problem) I was hurt because I was emotionally involved but not such an ass that I would not be friends with her because she chose to date somebody else. I respected her autonomy to make to her own decisions, and it was actually my respect for their relationship that caused problems and actually started the situations were shit hit the fan. Evidently "poly" was not something people uttered out loud, it was more an attitude like that of fight club and the dumbest "rules" I had ever heard of, like don't talk about it.

It goes against my beliefs to be in an unethical relationship, as poly without talking is for the most part, cheating. Which is really a shame seeing how it takes something that is a freedom in which there is absolutely nothing wrong, nothing immoral, and bad about it whatsoever when the freedom is exercised responsibly.

And like every and any Freedom exercised that is just, right, and moral can be turned into unjust, wrong, and immoral simply by not being honest and responsible in your actions of exercising said Freedom.

Last edited by Dirtclustit; 06-23-2013 at 02:49 AM.
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  #10  
Old 06-21-2013, 08:49 PM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by starmonkey View Post
You know what? I admitted I was wrong in my title, admitted I was new, told the truth about how I felt, and was genuinely looking for information - basically asking for help.

You may not have any useful advice, could at least have been nice to me. Telling someone in pain that you can't stand them is pretty mean.
This is a message board. Not free therapy.

You're going to get opinions that you do not like. Put on your big girl panties and deal with it. Sorry you are not going to always be patted on the head given a cookie and told your wonderful.

You honestly acted selfish and self centered. You own little hurt feelings were all you cared about at the time. You ended up hurting at least your gf.

As for the relationship ending. Your gf torpedoed that on her own most likely. No one likesto be a secondary to anyone else. There is no way my mono boyfriend would still be here if he was second to my husband. Who in their right mind would choose that if they only were looking for a single partner.
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Married in the eyes of the government to Butch since 2001...
Murf my monogamous second husband has been with me since May of 2012.
In a V relationship with an average 60/40 split of time. Only due to Murf's and Butch's crappy work schedules.

Last edited by Dagferi; 06-21-2013 at 08:55 PM.
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