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Old 06-19-2013, 08:20 PM
MZTERY MZTERY is offline
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 17
Default Desperately seeking guidance (open to all to help please)

Hello everyone it has been awhile since my last post and I have a very serious concern/question. I am having trouble being satisfied intimately with my primary partner. Now the thing is also I am not HIS primary. To him I am equal to the rest of his partners. I respect that and appreciate his honesty with this whole relationship but I feel that his is interrupting my "mojo" with him. I use to feel complete with him. Our sex life was always great! I never had a complaint to this magnitude and am frustrated and very sad.

To add he has expressed wanting to have children with each of them and we already have two of our own. We were technically not "living" together for a long stretch of time (that is when he made his other connections when he kept telling ME he was working on OUR future) but anyway! LOL and now my kids have their father, a big beautiful home, everything runs pretty smooth for the household but I am afraid that as my relationship hurts because of our status my children will eventually hurt too because of the kids and the husrt going around them!

I don't want to hurt my children and I don't want to feel used! (sorry i brought up two topics in one, let me stick to my initial concern) Sex is more about unity, love, and feeling as one together, atleast to me it always has been and I don't feel connected like that anymore. Our relationship use to feel so sweet and now I feel like an obligation. I actually feel like HE feels obligated with each of us and that makes me sad for him and each of us. I don't think bringing more kids to the equation is a good idea at the moment and I feel no one is really prepared for the HUGE change that that will bring!

My relationship with him just HIM is not the same. I get along with the girls fine I find them each very attractive and as people I think they are great intelligent sould that have much to offer the world. I am grateful, although sad at times, that he has them because they have made him happy. I am sad because I feel I could be the "perfect" woman for HIM and I am restricted to love and act the way I want. I have told him about my sexual frustration with im and that I have even wanted to have sex with the girls too which has also frustrated me! We hae participated all together once and from what I hear the two girls have been together on their own as well.

The girls shared a "relationship" for some time so I feel that helps contribute to their closeness more and even more with him because they have all shared a roof longer and more consecutive than I have. I ahve also spoken to the one girl about all this that I feel more comfortable with speaking to. I have received positive feedback verbally but actions definitely speak volumes! Having sex with him feels like its on a schedule and I don't like that. I want to be able to do IT whenever wherever I want and especially in OUR bedroom which WE barely EVER get to do!!

They I AM SURE take advantage of the fact that my work hours are on times that they each have alone time with him sooooo they get to do it wherever however and that pisses me OFF! UGH! I dont want to feel this sh*t anymore I want to fulfill my own desires somehow but am so lost and confused as to how I know I am blabbering but I am just letting it all out and I am praying to hear as many pieces of advice as possible! Thank you for your time. God Bless! Namaste to all
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Old 06-20-2013, 01:32 AM
kdt26417's Avatar
kdt26417 kdt26417 is online now
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Yelm, Washington
Posts: 14,556

It sounds like part of the problem involves his actions, his decisions, his behaviors. Alas, I know of no way of controlling those things. You can only control your own actions, decisions, and behaviors. The most you can do is plead with him but that doesn't mean he'll do what you want. You'll have to decide how you'll respond to his decision.

So right now you are all living under one roof? There is you, him, two other ladies, and two children? I just want to make sure I have the correct picture of the situation.

Sounds like part of the problem is your work situation, which is frustrating to you. Can you change shifts or jobs?

Does he place special restrictions on your behavior, or is it mostly just a situational thing?

I'll try to help if I can.
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
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Old 06-20-2013, 01:47 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 10,083

Buy some good toys, like a vibrator and a dildo, and seek out another boyfriend for yourself.

The more important issue, as I see it, is the children and the fact that he wants to father more with these other chicks. What's that about? Spreading his seed? Weird.

Your libido and sexual satisfaction can be taken care of in another relationship. Don't focus on that right now. Focus on the baby-making issue, and his role as father. Does he let his obligations and responsibilities slide because he's concentrating too much on boinking these other women?

You might want to request that you and he go to therapy together.
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia

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Old 06-20-2013, 05:06 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 5,510

Remove the girls from the conversation first.
Keeping them in it just reinforces your sense of not having an ability to improve the situation.

The first thing I saw is-
Your work schedules inhibits you from having the type of personal time alone with him that you want.

Even in mono relationships with children-it is IMPOSSIBLE to have sex "whenever and where ever you want". I have MORE ability to have unhindered sex and alone time with my guys now then I ever did mono-because one or the other can take the kids so I can have one on one time with the other guy.

YOU are unhappy with the amount of alone time
You are unhappy about the quality of alone time
or both?

In either case-you need to look at what YOU can do to change the situation between you and him.

As for bedrooms-I don't even know what to say to that because I don't understand why you can't have sex in your own room. That makes no sense to me at all.
"Love As Thou Wilt"
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Old 06-20-2013, 05:19 AM
london london is offline
Join Date: May 2013
Location: UK - land of the free
Posts: 1,635

Even with paragraph breaks, this makes no sense to me. I advise that you find a partner who wants to have sex with you. Can this man afford these kids? Does he actually parent them? My hunch is that he plays the Domly Dom Daddy role whilst he grows his harem.
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Old 06-20-2013, 01:38 PM
MZTERY MZTERY is offline
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 17
Default Amazing responses

You all had great responses to this for me ...thank you!

London what do you mean by this?? -"My hunch is that he plays the Domly Dom Daddy role whilst he grows his harem." and NO we are not financially set to afford any more kids, not even if I were to become pregnant will I be secure financially, so its not just WHO gets pregnant. Our kids already are in 4th and 2nd grade and require much more than they did before (ironically) and that makes me worried because I don't want them to lack the moderate stability we have.

Loving radiance what you said here -"YOU are unhappy with the amount of alone time or You are unhappy about the quality of alone time
or both?" is very much true for both factors. Last night, since I has raised the complaint earlier that day about not being satisfied, he must have told the one girl (i'll call her AL) to leave us alone downstairs. She is always around by the way, which is OK for the most part, but I feel it comes off as being inconsiderate and selfish at other times because, like I said before it FEELS more like each female wants to have their OWN relationship rather than a GROUP relationship. Anyway, when we were alone he performed his best on me and as it was satisfactory at that point it almost felt like it was forced (but I could be wrong and I am just feeling sh*tty that I had to even mention sh*t in the first place) IDK!

What you mentioned last -"As for bedrooms-I don't even know what to say to that because I don't understand why you can't have sex in your own room. That makes no sense to me at all" really bothers me too. For the most part I barely get any time in the bedroom alone with him. We seldomly have sex in our bed and that feels stupid, annoying, and childish! I am a grown woman, with kids, a man at home and I have to f*ck him in the bathroom or the fouton so we don't "distrb" others that are there or just to be alone together...either way its retarded to me! It shouldn't have to be this way.

NYcindie what you asked here -"The more important issue, as I see it, is the children and the fact that he wants to father more with these other chicks. What's that about? Spreading his seed? Weird" is exactly what it is! He says that he wants to keep his blood line going and he believes that these girls have the capacity of procreating with him strong, intellingent, talented children as OURS so that his "strong" genes continue to spread. He is fixated on the idea that where we live is like a den and he is the lion and we are the lionesses in the cave breeding for him. He also does not want any of us to go outside the relationship as long as we are living under HIS roof! So therefore going to another boyfriend would be a no-no to him! That makes me feel like he is NOT polyamory at all just a guy how wanted to bang us all and have us all under one roof too.

kdt26417 thank you for wanting to help! No I can't change my job or work hours especially. I am happy where I work and love my job. I have recently acquired my degree in the field I work in and my career is important to me, I wouldn't jeopardize that. He definitely has behaviors and actions to adjust I believe and I have to get better at addressing the issues...pronto!

I honestly look at these girls and see that they are NOT ready for the drastic change that having children will bring, especially with this type of lifestyle. I don't see us as the type of polyamorous relationships I have read about. Between us girls we can hang like friends but once someone is getting the "lovin" from him the other start to feel a certaintype of way...and even though they deny it to him and me when I raise the eyebrow on that issue I am not stupid! I have a strong sense of feeling and I can absorb others energies very well. Besides my kids tell me how the girls are with them and I have even seen it myself..they get anoyed by them, ignore them, and are not children friendly at all! They just don't capture the love of children or even animals like that and that says alot to me...cuz their love is not genuine it is forced!
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