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  #1  
Old 01-10-2011, 07:17 AM
lovinhimloviner lovinhimloviner is offline
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Question Husband's girlfriend uncomfortable

I am a 33 yo wife and mother. I have been in an open marriage for over 7 years. I can't imagine a monogamous relationship after having such a wonderful open relationship. Now don't get me wrong like all marriages there will always be ups and downs. The one part of our relationship that has never been a problem is the fact that we are open and honest about how we are feeling and who we are feeling it for. My husband and I have been through about every stage of an open marriage. Just like most people in "open marriages" we realized that life is nothing with out love. We trust and love each other so much that we allow ourselves to truly live. Although it wasn't expected he started to fall for a very wonderful woman. They hadn't even had sex yet and he came to me and told me how he was feeling. It was hard for him to tell me he was having feelings for her. We talked about it and as much as I surprised my self, I realized that it would be wrong for me or anyone else to tell them the feelings they were having were wrong. It isn't. It is a natural part of life. We discussed the "what ifs" of the situation. His girlfriend understands that no matter what happens he will not leave me for her. She wouldn't want him to do that anyway. It is hard for her coming into a situation like this. One of the questions we asked our selves were, what if my husband and his girlfriend fall completely in love and can't live without each other? Well in that case we thought if she was comfortable with it she could live with us as a family. They would have to have a separate bedroom. She wants to have kids one day....then what? Just like love if it was meant to be then it was meant to be. We would raise the baby just like millions of parents do everyday and we would do it together.

The problem i am having now is I keep bending over backwards to make sure she is comfortable. She has said she feels like the OW. They have been seeing each other for a few months now and had only meet up 2 times before this weekend. She had been uncomfortable with the idea of coming to our house. I was trying to make life simpler for her so I made arrangements for the kids to go to friends house and my moms. I had decided to go to a friends house and have a girls night. She came over right as we started cooking. She stood in the kitchen with us and we exchanged small talk. We have been on cam chat almost nightly but it did have a different vibe. We had discussed her fears about my reaction to seeing them holding hands and snuggling. I calmed her fears before hand because i knew she was worried about it.
When I got home the next morning she was gone. When I woke my husband up he seemed a little sad when he told me she left at 1am. He said it feels like she just wants sex even though she also claims to love him. He worries because she never wants to just hang out and only wants to have sex. She left because she was afraid of how the two younger kids would act since they ended up not going to grandmas. The too love her and we had told them she would be staying with daddy. This is all new to her since she was raised in a monogamous life style. I'm I over thinking this? Do I just need to give her more time?
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  #2  
Old 01-10-2011, 10:28 AM
Fidelia Fidelia is offline
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It sounds like you're doing everything you reasonably can to make her feel comfortable and welcome. This is ultimately her issue and there's only so much you, or your husband, or anyone else in the world, can do to address her issue.

So continue to be patient and supportive, keep encouraging her, and give her some time and space to find her comfort zone.

I myself could not go so far as to leave my home to make my husband's love interest comfortable. But clearly that is not an issue for you, so more power to you.
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Old 01-10-2011, 02:55 PM
preciselove preciselove is offline
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Fidelia hit the nail on the head with their post so nothing more to add on that front.

Just a question though, if your husband felt the same way towards another 3 or 4 women, would you feel comfortable inviting them all into your family or is there a limit in your mind as to where that would be? Just with the way you write, like these relationships can just spontaneously happen, if it spontaneously happens 3 or 4 more times without any breakups is that ok?

I sort of feel that without any "Structure" to relationships you're just opening yourself up to problems that you'll only face "as they happen" and they often happen through choice. For instance I meet some great women, but because I already have 2 live-in girlfriends and we've discussed our limits I just don't entertain in my head that I will go down that path with them. I feel if I was your husband I'd just keep bringing back women and be like "got another great one I connect with, is that ok and can you sort out her room sweetie?".
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Old 01-10-2011, 04:03 PM
lovinhimloviner lovinhimloviner is offline
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We had not honestly sat down and discussed our limits. We sat and talked about it last not and since his girlfriend is not a poly type person she would rather he not sleep with anyone else. I'm his wife so there is not choice there but she doesn't like to share. My husband does not feel like he could handle it if I fell in love with another man. I feel like I am living a poly life with a monogamous female and a swinger husband. If that makes any sense. I really want everyone to be happy. I know I am not wired the way most people are. I find joy and love when he fell in love with her. Most people think there is just something worn with me. I don't get jealous and I love my husband so much that I feel since he has fallen in love he should do what makes them happy. He said if I were to fall in love with someone else he would do his very best to give me what I have given him. I think I should really just avoid the situation since I know it would make him uncomfortable. This is all so new to us but it is defiantly how I would like my life to work out. I guess we don't always get what we wont though.
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Old 01-10-2011, 04:07 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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You really sound like you want to do the right thing. But reading this made my head ache. All the people involved are so not on the same page. I'm glad you joined this forum now instead of waiting until things got truly fucked up. You come across as though you'll be receptive to what people have to say to you, even if it's not what you would like to hear.
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  #6  
Old 01-10-2011, 04:11 PM
lovinhimloviner lovinhimloviner is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NeonKaos View Post
You really sound like you want to do the right thing. But reading this made my head ache. All the people involved are so not on the same page. I'm glad you joined this forum now instead of waiting until things got truly fucked up. You come across as though you'll be receptive to what people have to say to you, even if it's not what you would like to hear.
That is exactly why I joined. I had joined another site but was only told why my marriage wasn't a real one. I have never even known anyone who wanted to live this way. Swingers yes poly no.
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Old 01-10-2011, 04:09 PM
lovinhimloviner lovinhimloviner is offline
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I also want to add that this whole situation made my husband feel strange. He was not to hip to falling in love again.
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  #8  
Old 01-16-2011, 04:33 PM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lovinhimloviner View Post
The problem i am having now is I keep bending over backwards to make sure she is comfortable. She has said she feels like the OW.
Let her take responsibility for her own issues. That's not your problem to solve.
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When speaking of various forms of non-monogamy...it ain't poly if you're just fucking around.

While polyamory, open relationships, and swinging are all distinctly different approaches to non-monogamy, they are not mutually exlusive. Folks can, and some do, engage in more than one of them at a time--and it's all good.
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  #9  
Old 01-18-2011, 07:56 AM
lovinhimloviner lovinhimloviner is offline
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Do you guys ever just feel sad about everything for no reason? I am sure there is a reason I just don't know what it is. Maybe it is because hubby's gf doesn't want him to live the swinger life anymore. That I don't have a problem with but it is her reasoning that bothers me. She said if he has her and still wants to have sex with someone else then it has to mean the she isn't enough for him. To me that feels like she is saying that she thinks I must not be enough for him because he is with her. I know this is irrational and I don't usually feel like this. My husband is here with me and tells me all of the time that he loves me and I am beautiful. He shows me how much he cares about me constantly. I have no idea what my problem is.

I have a convention to go to in a couple of weeks and will be out of town for 3 days. His gf said she would come stay with him while I am gone. I was excited about it. I was happy for him that she is finally wanting to come be with him. He can't go to her place so the only other option is a hotel. With 4 kids we can't afford for them to that very often. She said it is to hard for him to come pick her up for a couple hours to hang out because it isn't enough time and she would be sad when he left. I understand this is all new to her but it is new for us too. It hurts my feelings a little that she doesn't want to come here when I am here but she will come here if I am out of town.
I will talk to her about this later but I really needed to vent a little. Thanks for listening.
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  #10  
Old 01-18-2011, 03:47 PM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Just a quick and not necessarily correct assessment:

His girlfriend is attempting to create a false reality to cope with her relationship, that much is clear. She is looking for something more than your hubby can give her but trying to capture it in little moments such as when you are not around.

She is struggling to find a way to be with your husband. She either really really loves him or is not ready to find someone that better suits the way she wants love expressed to her. My guess is she wants exclussivity. I doubt she is a "Cowgirl" but also doubt she is healthy at the moment.

She's going to have really confront what she wants from a serious relationship and express it.
You and your hubby really need to do the same. If he is going to be "open" poly and want to explore other women, he needs to be up front about that for her to make a solid decision. What he decides will affect you as well. The compromise that Redpepper has made to be with me has also impacted what she gets to experience with PN in many ways. You have to be prepared for that.

Good luck and stay true to yourself
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