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  #1  
Old 06-17-2013, 05:09 PM
gorgeouskitten gorgeouskitten is offline
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Question what's my problem? not wanting to hear some metamour details

Hi all. So this is only my third post, but hoping i can get some feedback, advice, or just people who've been there. Im married to a super guy, and have a boyfriend who was poly before me but turns out (since im his first relationship) his spouse isnt as on board as I thoguht she was going to be. Anyway, ive been listening to him about arguements etc with her, and being supportive, and thats ok. But then today he was commenting on wanting time to cuddle her without her talking to her other partner, and the things he doesnt want to loose in their relationship and it bothered me. I cant even really put my finger on it, am I being overly sensitive?
I dont mind hearing about sex, or their plans, but i felt these were intimate details that made me feel like he were talking to a buddy instead of his girlfriend. With my spouse i can talk him through how to get a date with a girl, if it seems like shes into him, etc but talking with my bf about his marriage is striking a different chord.

Any comments? Advice? Im happy to provide any further info

Edit: the more i think about it, i guess part of whats bugging me is that for a while he seemed really into me, and us, and wasnt worried about his spouse (not that he didnt care, just wasnt worried) and now it feels like he is so worried about them that Im just not that important. He said the other day that if i didnt want to be with him, he'd still love me but he'd want me to be happy and move on. I guess I wanted him to declare how badly he wants me to stay instead, which is maybe unfair and less mature?
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Last edited by gorgeouskitten; 06-17-2013 at 06:02 PM. Reason: additional info
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Old 06-17-2013, 05:20 PM
london london is offline
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Dude, I've been having similar issues, myself. What I've isolated is that whilst he is with her and she wants monogamy, it's going to make me feel rocky. Just because she has laid out a monogamous relationship with her as an option. Something I couldn't offer him and if he took that option with her, it would exclude me. However, I posted a thread on here in which Marcus helped immensely, but I thought about what is going on a bit more logically. Sadly, her desire for him to be monogamous is killing his love for her. I can tell that by what he says. That might not be relevant for you though. But I'm as sure as I can be that he doesn't want to be monogamous with anyone, and that alleviates some of my concerns.

Last edited by london; 06-17-2013 at 05:26 PM.
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Old 06-17-2013, 05:20 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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If hearing about his personal problems with his wife feels uncomfortable to you, it feels uncomfortable.

As for guessing why it makes you uncomfortable (really only you know...)
What's is your need from BF? Could take a need inventory to see if that helps you articulate it to yourself.

Is it that you are ok hearing him with wife problems because you know your own place in his life is secure? But then hearing how much he wants connection with her is perceived as "going toward her and away from me" so that's putting you on shaky ground emotionally? You don't like talking about emotional subjects or emotional intimacy? Something else? (I could be guessing wrong. )

Quote:
i felt these were intimate details that made me feel like he were talking to a buddy instead of his girlfriend.
A GF is not also a friend? Or is it that you are relatively new GF and this is getting too heavy too fast?

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 06-17-2013 at 05:23 PM.
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Old 06-17-2013, 05:30 PM
gorgeouskitten gorgeouskitten is offline
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@London, thanks for calling me dude. i love that, i dude all the time. lol. ANyway, not quite the same but i totally hear you...she is poly, has had more partners than he has, but im his first and i get the impression she isnt dealing that well with that.

@Gala, well I was his friend long before his girlfriend, im used to listening i just feel like he should take advantage of the fact that i'l listen? i dunno, im confusing myself on this one! I think you are right i didnt like hearing about the emotional intimacy because it felt like he was moving more towards her..I dont feel particularly secure in our relationship because i feel like she isnt actually OK with it and he is going to do what he can to please her, potentially at my detrimant.

or i just need to calm the F down?
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Old 06-17-2013, 05:44 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Quote:
I dont feel particularly secure in our relationship because i feel like she isnt actually OK with it and he is going to do what he can to please her, potentially at my detrimant.
Well... there ya go. You nailed it.

So you could ask him to reassure you that he isn't going to throw you under the bus. Then you could feel better, and be ok listening to his stuff about her without it trigger you like this?

Galagirl
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Old 06-17-2013, 05:47 PM
gorgeouskitten gorgeouskitten is offline
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I told him i worry about that, and he kind of just said nothing. He did say he felt when he improves his communication skills things will get easier, so maybe im over reacting. Im kind of the anxious relationship type, and while my husband is very doting and reassuring all the time, bf isnt really like that (with me, he might be with the spouse)
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Old 06-17-2013, 06:19 PM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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There is nothing wrong with saying please do not pull me into your marriage problems it makes me uncomfortable. And explain why. My bf doesn't like to hear about my marriage. Because if he feels like my husband is doing something wrong then he wants to defend me.

Plus some people just cannot carry another's security issues in a relationship. For example I tend to overthink the small things. When we are solo my bf is very playful, Flirty,touchy feely. Not his normal persona tbh. When my kids are along for the weekend that sort of dries up. Come to find out he didn't know where the line was with the PDAs. He is not a man of many words so that little small touches and etc are important to me. If they stop then I worry.

It is my issue not his.
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