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  #1  
Old 06-17-2013, 04:32 PM
onoma onoma is offline
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Default Isn't this poly behavior?

I'll try to keep this short... basically I realized I was poly a couple years ago. My girlfriend, my first real girlfriend ever, was not happy about that development. We stayed together monogamously anyway, because she was in a bad place in her life and I still loved her and figured the rest could wait. The plan was to break up when she was ready to move on.

It's been two years since we decided that. A few months ago we got into a big fight, and basically she cut me off from sex. For almost two months she kept acting like we'd be having sex soon, she was just wasn't over the fight. Then a few weeks ago she claimed that she doesn't want to have sex, claiming she believes sex should only happen in the context of a relationship with a future.

Now, since then she still treats me basically like a boyfriend. Lots of "love yous," hugging, kissing at night and cuddling on the couch.

But something interesting came up over the weekend: Apparently she had dates lined up, and was starting to look for a new relationship. She was also planning to start having one-night stands in order to just get pregnant on her own.

So... if she's in love with me but dating to find someone else, let alone having sex with other people, isn't that kind of a polyamorous behavior?

The other thing bothering me is she wasn't planning on any sex with me. So maybe she's mono only in terms of sex itself? Or, and I've suspected this for a while, she just wants me to marry her so she can be married... rather than because she really thinks I'm "the one."

So figured I'd get some interpretations from you guys. It just seems odd to me, for a monogamous person to cuddle up on the couch with me, tell me she loves me, then go out on a date.

Last edited by onoma; 06-17-2013 at 05:01 PM.
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  #2  
Old 06-17-2013, 04:40 PM
london london is offline
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It seems that she is seeking to swap you with someone she can have a monogamous relationship with. Maybe she's scared to be single inbetween relationships. I don't think this is a good foundation to consensually open your relationship and i'm not sure the people who care about you would be happy with you in a relationship with someone with those kind of morals and values. Especially concerning get getting pregnant in that fashion.
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  #3  
Old 06-17-2013, 05:06 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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So what if it's "poly behaviour" or not? You said you two broke up... how did you say it?
Quote:
The plan was to break up when she was ready to move on.
There's your answer right there.

Of what use it is to you to take this situation you helped create and are continuing to enable and put it in a box and call it "poly"? If it helps keep you in your comfortable denial that your partner "really is poly after all" despite the fact that SHE TOLD YOU SHE IS NOT REPEATEDLY YET YOU REFUSE TO ACCEPT IT (did I say that or just think it out loud?), then you have my permission to say this is "poly behaviour". After all, I heard that "language is fluid", words can mean anything we want them to mean anytime we want, and no one owns the word "polyamory", "my poly is not your poly", "there is no one true poly", "there is no one right way to do poly", etc. etc. etc.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-

There was an old couple in New Jersey who decided to drive cross-country in their car. Both were almost legally deaf. About 10 miles away from home, the burglar alarm for their car door got stuck in the "on" position. They drove all the way to San Francisco like this. You could hear them coming for miles. The alarm didn't seem to bother the woman at all; she thought it was sort of pleasant. Near Chicago, she said to her husband, "It sounds like faraway bees on a summer day."

Her husband said, "WHAT???"
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Old 06-17-2013, 05:17 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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whoa i missed the part about trying to get knocked-up when i read it the first time!

I'll tell you what she's doing. She is trying to trap someone into a relationship with an "oops" baby. Be glad she won't fuck you, unless you want that yourself. But it won't fix your poly problem.

To be completely honest - and you are not going to like this - but I have little patience with this sort of thing. It looks from here like you know EXACTLY what is going on and what you need to do, but you like the way it looks from inside your ass instead. I predict that this thread is going to go round and round in circles with people giving you the same advice and every time they do you will post some rebuttal about how "welllll if it was THAT way then why is my girlfriend THIS way?" and before too long there will be hidden messages in the way she brushes her teeth and blows her nose. "Does anyone think that the way she blows her nose could be considered poly behaviour?"

Get real with yourself.
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  #5  
Old 06-17-2013, 05:26 PM
onoma onoma is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BoringGuy View Post
So what if it's "poly behaviour" or not? You said you two broke up... how did you say it?

There's your answer right there.
Technically, by "move on" I meant leave this city for a different one. I guess I worded that badly.

Quote:
Of what use it is to you to take this situation you helped create and are continuing to enable and put it in a box and call it "poly"? If it helps keep you in your comfortable denial that your partner "really is poly after all" despite the fact that SHE TOLD YOU SHE IS NOT REPEATEDLY YET YOU REFUSE TO ACCEPT IT (did I say that or just think it out loud?),
So you think it's monogamous behavior to truthfully tell someone you love them while you're dating other people?

YouAreHere

Quote:
It seems to me (from what you've said) that perhaps she feels that even though she loves you, your relationship is over - or a dead man walking. Don't hang your hat too much on semantics. If she can't have an open relationship (and she's been clear on that), and she's looking, then she's probably pretty much done.
If she's done, though, why is she holding on? The struggle for me has been that she acts exactly like my girlfriend of three years, right up until bedtime. I can even envision her kissing her date good night, then coming home and kissing me good night.

That's the thing here... I wonder if she's poly because then maybe we stay together. If not, I wonder if she's just using me for comfort. Either way, she doesn't seem at all inclined to let go. Several times I've told her being in this pseudo-relationship is too hard for me and I need space... but that just turns into a fight, which ends with her spending all her time with me and me hoping things will go back to where they were before.
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Old 06-17-2013, 05:33 PM
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YouAreHere YouAreHere is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by onoma View Post
I wonder if she's just using me for comfort. Either way, she doesn't seem at all inclined to let go. Several times I've told her being in this pseudo-relationship is too hard for me and I need space... but that just turns into a fight, which ends with her spending all her time with me and me hoping things will go back to where they were before.
Change is scary. I can't read your GF's mind. Maybe she does really love you while she's dating. However, I know from my own experience that my ex-husband wanted to separate, wanted to be closer with his GF, wanted to not have to deal with therapy, or being my friend, or doing anything that would help our relationship, but he sure as heck didn't want me to divorce him and move out. He was afraid of change.

Oh well.

It hurt. It sucked. But I was through being used.

I'll keep my fingers crossed that you're not there yet, but it reads to me like she's holding on to you until she finds something else.
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  #7  
Old 06-17-2013, 05:36 PM
london london is offline
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She doesn't want to be alone
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  #8  
Old 06-19-2013, 05:35 AM
LadySFI LadySFI is offline
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I have to agree with everything here. I am sad for any baby that she conceives while in this state of mind. I was going to be nice and say she is just confused and you need to have an open talk about your future together, but when you said trying to get pregnant alarms went off. I feel bad for both the baby and any man she manages to trap this way.
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  #9  
Old 06-17-2013, 05:40 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by onoma View Post

So you think it's monogamous behavior to truthfully tell someone you love them while you're dating other people?

It's just behaviour.

You didn't even answer my question. The question was, what difference does it make which adjective you put before the word "behaviour"?

THE TWO OF YOU ARE FUNDAMENTALLY INCOMPATIBLE AS PARTNERS.

THe sooner you realize that, the better off you both will be.

I've read your other threads. You aren't going to get an answer from here that you can go and use on your girlfriend and make her go
Quote:
"AHA! Eureka! YES! That which I did not realize before is now crystal clear to me before my very eyes! You are RIGHT, my darling! I AM "poly" after all! THank you, thank you THANK you for patiently staying by my side and enduring the roller-coaster ride I put us through. It shall be WORTH all the wait, confusion, and hardship we have been through, for now we are together and stronger for the duration! I now look forward to this new journey we are about to take TOGETHER, and with whomever else shall manifest to journey with us... blah,blah,etc.etc."
That IS what you would prefer, is it not?
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  #10  
Old 06-17-2013, 06:08 PM
onoma onoma is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BoringGuy View Post
It's just behaviour.

You didn't even answer my question. The question was, what difference does it make which adjective you put before the word "behaviour"?
If adjectives don't make a difference, why do we have them? Do you think no one ever acts differently than they profess? There are women out there who think open relationships are disgusting, but only sleep with married men! Wouldn't it suck to break up, run into her 5 years from now and find out she's in an open relationship? That maybe she just reacted badly because I didn't follow the guide, on this very site, for how to bring it up to your partner?

Quote:
THE TWO OF YOU ARE FUNDAMENTALLY INCOMPATIBLE AS PARTNERS.

THe sooner you realize that, the better off you both will be.
Yet she's dating other people while in a relationship with me...

Quote:
I've read your other threads. You aren't going to get an answer from here that you can go and use on your girlfriend and make her go

That IS what you would prefer, is it not?
I wouldn't expect that sudden of a transition. But basically, I'd like to see her at least say it could be a discussion. There are people on this forum who didn't immediately realize or accept they were poly, aren't there? Also monogamous people who have open relationships for their poly partners?

But you might be right, and I feel like YouAreHere is probably close to the truth.
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