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  #1  
Old 06-10-2013, 11:10 PM
ployshyguy ployshyguy is offline
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Brief intro: my wife and I were both poly-curious, you might say, several years ago. I decided to go with it, she decided she was more comfortable remaining monogamous. However, we decided to stay together. She decided she was comfortable with me as I am, and could be comfortable with a multiple relationship IF it fell within certain parameters.

Lately, I've begun to feel like the parameters we set up are setting me up for failure in any other relationship. The biggest problem is the "don't date anyone you met through my family or through our religious organization".

The thing is, between work and spending time with the family, the only people I generally meet are either people I met through her family (we live near where she grew up, nowhere near where I grew up) or through our religious institution. The only two potentials I have right now are one of each.

I know the real solution is to discuss my dilemma with my wife, but any opinions or advice would be helpful.
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Old 06-11-2013, 01:26 AM
CattivaGattina CattivaGattina is offline
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You have no interests outside of family and your religious organization? Honestly I would look at that first as to why you don't have any hobbies that you do that could help you meet other people.
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  #3  
Old 06-11-2013, 01:48 AM
Outsider Outsider is offline
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What purpose does that rule serve?
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Old 06-11-2013, 11:26 AM
london london is offline
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To stop their non monogamy from being outed. Thought that was both obvious and not uncommon. Join okcupid, OP.
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  #5  
Old 06-11-2013, 01:27 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is online now
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How about asking wife for the OTHER side of the limitations?

You CANNOT date from family / church type connections. You CAN date from..... where? Online dating like OKC? Singles events/mixers? What if you met the person bowling but it turns out they ALSO go to your church? They get tossed out?

How comfortable is she with you dating really? Or are these parameters in place not to just minimize you guys being "outed" but to minimize it happening at all?

I think dating a KNOWN person who is less likely to be a nutjob than some total stranger is better. Because I've been casual friends already for a while doing those activities and I know how they behave/carry themselves somewhat.

Maybe you guys could read resources together? This is just one link.

Something has to end for something else to begin.
  • Either you change these "no family/church connections" parameters (that ends) so that you can meet people within those zones to date. (something can begin)
  • Or you change your time management (end spending time only at work/family functions) to free up time to be in another zone to meet someone there.(something can begin). Take up lessons of some kind that you like -- tennis, music, whatever it is.

You have to make a space for something to arrive into. Not just the emotional space -- which is seems you guys have done somewhat.

But space in other areas of life too.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 06-11-2013 at 01:34 PM.
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  #6  
Old 06-11-2013, 02:26 PM
LadySFI LadySFI is offline
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Didn't I see someone tag an actual Poly dating site on here some time ago? Can anyone tell us again what that is? Could that be an option?

I understand her not wanting you to date someone from those places if she is trying not to be outed. Maybe she is okay with it, but doesn't want to have to explain to everyone you know why her husband has a date.
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  #7  
Old 06-11-2013, 02:27 PM
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YouAreHere YouAreHere is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
How comfortable is she with you dating really? Or are these parameters in place not to just minimize you guys being "outed" but to minimize it happening at all?
Perhaps the "date outside this social circle" rule is an attempt to minimize any potential "messiness". Friends are a known entity, which makes the initial dating easier, but when/if things go bad, it has a lot of potential to drag other, mutual friends into the quagmire (with such things as perceived loyalties) as well. Family just makes that mess even messier.

You won't know until you talk about it more. If it's frustrating you, talk about it. Maybe you can find places where you can go looking (OKC, other avenues) with your wife's help.
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