Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 06-04-2013, 06:53 AM
mricha711 mricha711 is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 12
Default New here. Frustrated single guy--how does anyone find a date anyway?

Hi there, I'm new to this site. Wasn't sure whether to post this in General discussion or this thread, but I suppose it fits in both. This might be more of a gripe/rant than anything, but it might be helpful to commiserate with some people who are going through what I'm going through.

I'm 21, bisexual, and live in the largest city in New Hampshire. I'm wondering how single poly people even find dates, because I'm finding it incredibly difficult to find any compatible people in my area. I've dated exactly one guy in my life, and it was over two years ago. And even that lasted less than a month.

It's not for lack of trying, either. I've had an OkCupid profile for quite a while, and there seem to be plenty of poly people in other states, but there's almost no one here. I've literally messaged every person in my area who's even somewhat compatible, but I've had no luck. There are maybe 9 actual poly people who live in my state who are on there, and I'm friends with half of them in real life anyway.

Speaking of real life, I have no idea how I would even approach people about this outside the internet. I have a really active social life, but most of the people I know in NH are either really straight or really monogamous (or really lesbian, lol.)

Don't get me wrong, I have thousands of friends all over the country who I wouldn't trade for the world, and I love my life in all other areas. But does anyone get frustrated the way I do? Is anyone else not logistically able to date AT ALL? I have a feeling I'm going to be single for the rest of my life if I stay here, and that thought makes me lonely sometimes. I'd rather be single forever than be monogamous, though.

On a more theoretical note: does it make sense to call myself polyamorous if I'm single? I suppose it defeats the purpose of "many loves" if the only person I love immensely is myself.
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 06-04-2013, 08:14 AM
Natja's Avatar
Natja Natja is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 814
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by mricha711 View Post

On a more theoretical note: does it make sense to call myself polyamorous if I'm single? I suppose it defeats the purpose of "many loves" if the only person I love immensely is myself.
I would argue that one can only love freely when you love oneself!

And Yes, is the answer to that question.
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 06-04-2013, 08:28 AM
Eponine Eponine is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: New Mexico
Posts: 84
Default

Agree with Natja. You're polyamorous as long as you're open to the possibility of having multiple loving relationships, even if in practice you only have one partner or no partner at all (yet). A poly person's relationship outlooks are fundamentally different from a mono person's, even if their actual relationship statuses are the same (i.e. both single or both with only one partner).
__________________
Heteroromantic asexual female, sex-positive, childfree, relationship anarchist.
Married to G, and in a partially non-romantic, completely non-sexual and long-distance triad with A and L.
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 06-04-2013, 12:16 PM
Magdlyn's Avatar
Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Metro West Massachusetts
Posts: 3,280
Default

I'm in Mass (near Boston) and I've dated guys from NH. Most of them have to look towards Mass and be willing to travel. We're just a cooler, more liberal bunch down here, face it!
__________________
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

There's no lying in polyamory!

I'm a 58 year old woman with 2 partners:
miss pixi, my live-in gf, 36 (together since Jan '09)
Ginger, bf, 61, married, lives nearby (together since Jan '12)
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 06-04-2013, 03:13 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: US
Posts: 1,176
Default Dating hard

Dating is difficult and frustrating. I live in a city with a substantial poly community and it's still painful. And the reason it is painful is me. I am fairly introverted and interacting with large groups or with people I don't know at all is just not my strong suit. And there is the fact that I meet very few people that I 'click' with romantically. It just doesn't happen that often even if I am very social.

Geography is often a limiting factor. But before you write off your surroundings as the issue, take a look inward. I'm the reason dating is hard for me. I gently suggest thinking about how you may be making dating hard for you. Of course, the things making dating difficult for you may not be all that changeable. I, for instance, am not going to be raging social butterfly anytime soon. But think about it. We often get in our own way.

I notice that sometimes people take this compatibility thing a bit far. There might really only be 9 possibly compatable folks in your area. Or your criteria might be a bit too stringent, too particular, too detailed. Take a chance on someone who may not be an obvious match for you.

You may also need to get out of the poly ghetto. There are obvious advantages to seeking someone who is already poly. And there are obvious disadvantages to 'converting' someone who is not currently poly. However, if you are upfront and honest, you may find men and women willing to give some thought to this poly business and see how it goes. You will be automatically ruled out by many right away. That sucks. But eventually someone will take a chance.

And finally, dating in one's early 20s just sucks. Sorry man.

Good luck!
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 06-04-2013, 03:36 PM
Marcus's Avatar
Marcus Marcus is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Haltom City, TX
Posts: 1,068
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by opalescent View Post
But before you write off your surroundings as the issue, take a look inward. I'm the reason dating is hard for me. I gently suggest thinking about how you may be making dating hard for you. Of course, the things making dating difficult for you may not be all that changeable. I, for instance, am not going to be raging social butterfly anytime soon. But think about it. We often get in our own way.
That's true Opal. OP, do a Google search for online dating profiles; I'll bet you find some mistakes you can stop making.

For example:

http://www.cracked.com/blog/5-reason...-isnt-working/
__________________
Independent (Anarchist) Non-Monogamy

Me: male, 40, straight, single
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 06-04-2013, 11:01 PM
mricha711 mricha711 is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 12
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by opalescent View Post
Dating is difficult and frustrating. I live in a city with a substantial poly community and it's still painful. And the reason it is painful is me. I am fairly introverted and interacting with large groups or with people I don't know at all is just not my strong suit. And there is the fact that I meet very few people that I 'click' with romantically. It just doesn't happen that often even if I am very social.

Geography is often a limiting factor. But before you write off your surroundings as the issue, take a look inward. I'm the reason dating is hard for me. I gently suggest thinking about how you may be making dating hard for you. Of course, the things making dating difficult for you may not be all that changeable. I, for instance, am not going to be raging social butterfly anytime soon. But think about it. We often get in our own way.

I notice that sometimes people take this compatibility thing a bit far. There might really only be 9 possibly compatable folks in your area. Or your criteria might be a bit too stringent, too particular, too detailed. Take a chance on someone who may not be an obvious match for you.

You may also need to get out of the poly ghetto. There are obvious advantages to seeking someone who is already poly. And there are obvious disadvantages to 'converting' someone who is not currently poly. However, if you are upfront and honest, you may find men and women willing to give some thought to this poly business and see how it goes. You will be automatically ruled out by many right away. That sucks. But eventually someone will take a chance.

And finally, dating in one's early 20s just sucks. Sorry man.

Good luck!
Oh, I'm definitely good at interacting with large groups of people. I like talking to tons of people no matter where I go. The thing is, I'm really good at making friends. And having lots of friends is, quite frankly, really awesome

It isn't that there are only 9 compatible people in my area. It's that there are 9 compatible people in my area on Okcupid. Which are two VERY different things. Lol.

I kind of see being in the "poly ghetto" pretty essential to the kind of relationship dynamic I would want anyway, even if it's going to limit my dating pool drastically. I'm not someone who wants to start dating someone and hope it develops into polyamory, because I would be unfair to the other person. I'm not someone who likes to waste people's time, so even though I'm willing to bend on lots of other things, I feel like I should be upfront about 2 things: the fact that I'm bisexual, and the fact that I'm poly. If they don't accept those two things about me from the beginning, it's probably never ever going to work.

And dating in your early 20s may suck...but isn't it better than dating in your late 40s? There's a lot of ageism in the dating world. Not that I'm in the "dating world" anyway. Lol.

Good luck to you as well.
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 06-04-2013, 03:38 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
Banned
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Nowhere
Posts: 1,647
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
I'm in Mass (near Boston) and I've dated guys from NH. Most of them have to look towards Mass and be willing to travel. We're just a cooler, more liberal bunch down here, face it!
I live in mass too, quite near the New Hampshire border. I have a list of things to say:

1) drop the "polyamorous" label and just date people as yourself. Mention non-monogamy as soon as it is clear that there might be an emotional or sexual connection.

2) you won't like hearing this but it's very important that you realize how desperate you come across in your original post. People can sense that and you might as well be covered in feces because it has the same effect on them.

3) i'm not sure what your "criteria" are, but it's possible that you are limiting yourself by only considering certain ages, races, sexual orientations, body types, etc.

4) if you want to meet a whole bunch of people (mostly women), volunteer to be a non-skating official (NSO) with one of the many leagues in New Hampshire. If you are in the "largest city", that probably means Manchester, and NHRD is based out of there. It's probably walking distance from where you live. But i'm not telling you to join to find people to date. I'm giving you one way to get out there and expand your social circles and perhaps discover a new activity to enjoy. That is how you "find people" to have relationships. Not by shouting "where are all the poly people? Come out come out wherever you are!"

5) i think there was one more thing i had to say but i forgot it.
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old 06-04-2013, 03:47 PM
Marcus's Avatar
Marcus Marcus is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Haltom City, TX
Posts: 1,068
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by BoringGuy View Post
5) i think there was one more thing i had to say but i forgot it.
I like "5) Self esteem is sexy".

As far as I can tell the only way to have actual self esteem is to set goals, learn skill sets, and be productive. Focus on accomplishing your personal short term and long term goals and I'll bet your 'luck' will improve because you'll feel good about yourself and it will show.
__________________
Independent (Anarchist) Non-Monogamy

Me: male, 40, straight, single
Reply With Quote
  #10  
Old 06-04-2013, 11:17 PM
mricha711 mricha711 is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 12
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by BoringGuy View Post

2) you won't like hearing this but it's very important that you realize how desperate you come across in your original post. People can sense that and you might as well be covered in feces because it has the same effect on them.

3) i'm not sure what your "criteria" are, but it's possible that you are limiting yourself by only considering certain ages, races, sexual orientations, body types, etc.
Oh trust me, I'm not as bitter as when I wrote this at 4 in the morning after an hour of looking through manhunt profiles. Lol! In real life, I probably come off so non-desperate that people think I'm an independent free-spirit who's not interested in dating at all. Which might be part of the problem.

As for my criteria, like I said before, it's not too stringent. When it comes to age, I don't care if someone is 18 or in their 60s. I'm attracted to people of all body types and races and genders too. I only have a few basic and obvious dating criteria that come down to basic respect for myself: they have to be okay with me being bisexual. They have to be open to polyamory (and not just cheating on their partners). We have to have some common interests, whatever they may be. They have to be out of the closet if it's a man; I don't want to be anyone's secret. And (here's the biggest limiting factor) they have be within walking distance of my house, or travel a lot. That being said, I'm not terribly picky, other than a preference for people who don't smoke.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
dating

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 02:41 PM.