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  #1  
Old 06-02-2013, 03:09 AM
Blopez5293 Blopez5293 is offline
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Smile An Intimate Awakening: The 5 W's of my journey and personal findings.

I have come to a point in my life that I find myself searching for something. I search for who I am at my core and how that shapes my relationships in my life. I find myself being more careful to be mindful in my choices and protective if what I consider my inner circle of loved ones in my life. I am more patient and have started being more careful of the ones I love. I don't wish to tread over my partner to get my way but rather walk side by side on the path. Being fully present in the moment and having the ability to discuss anything without fear of reprisal or shame.

I am me. As only I can be me it is my responsibility to ensure me is tended to. I cannot and will not expect anyone else to tend to my baggage. They can assist if they so choose but it is not expected. I expect this from my partners and am becomingmore adept at asking for it in a respectful and ethical manner. I am a work in progress. And that is ok.
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Old 06-06-2013, 07:23 PM
Blopez5293 Blopez5293 is offline
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Post To begin...

So where to begin..... I'm not sure as it all seems such an integral part of why I see love the way I do. So I guess as with any story I will start at the beginning.

I was born in September of 1981 to a single teen mom who had no one and nothing to her name. She lived in a tiny 2 bedroom trailer older than her and walked everywhere she had to go. She was 18. My mother met my step-father in May of 82' and married him in July of that year. My brother came along in Sept of 84'. We were poor but happy.

I had a hard childhood due to the financial state of my family. Some of my earliest memories are of my parents fighting over money and everything else. As I got older I realized that they were as different as 2 people could be and I never understood why they stayed together.

My dad started getting sick when I was around 8 and only got worse as I got older. By the time I was 12 he was no longer the same man I had known as dad. He became violent and angry.

The rest of my childhood was littered with abuse and ugly. I was depressed and suicidal for a very long time after. I graduated high school and left for college in June of 99'. Lost out and financial aid and ended up pregnant at 18, alone, with no to count on but me. I came home ashamed and determined to do better by my kids than my parents did by me.

After my son was born I worked and led a bit of a charmed life. I didn't find motherhood hard and loved my little cottage I had found for us to start our lives in. But I craved love and I feared no one would have me with a baby at my age. I met a man around Christmas and married him in Aug of 2001. Very quickly I realized I had repeated history and after only a few short years we divorced. We had a son together and despite all the promises to be civil he got ugly. After a long drawn out battle he won custody and had slowly pushed me out of my sons life since.

I met my current husband shortly before I left my first marriage and we quickly became close friends. After my divorce he helped me get back on my feet and we fell deeply in love. In Feb of 06' we married and have had 4 amazing children together. I love him so much. We have been through much, including the death of a child, and are rebuilding. If your still with me at this point and want more about our relationship now feel free to read my other threads here.

Over the years I have watched couples I thought would last forever separate and couples I never thought would last make it. I do not understand love. And all I can say at this point is that if I have learned anything about love it is only that it is Hard Work! And that I really know nothing at all.

I am bisexual. I became aware at an early age that I found woman attractive. Although I experimented some as a young girl, I never dated women. After I divorced my first husband I realized that I was in fact bi and started to explore more.

I met my best friend, let's call her Lady here, when we were both in middle school. Our brothers were in scouts together and so we hung out alot. Lady and I became bff's and like sisters. I had the biggest crush on her in high school and never had the balls to tell her. After we left school we energy our separate ways for a while but never lost touch.

I finally admitted to her that I was in love with her about 8 years ago. And then OMG, there were the words I had always dreamed of but never truly believed would happen.... She was I love with me too and had been for years. We were both too scared to tell eachother. Now we were both married with kids. But I love her. So we have been secretly seeing eachother when we can (LDR) and carrying on an emotional relationship for years. My husband has known from the beginning, hers does not. And as much as I hate being sneaky in the end I had to decide that the decision to tell him or not is hers alone. I love her and I understand that she has reasons behind her choice to not tell him. She is my lover, confidant, friend, other half.
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Old 06-06-2013, 07:25 PM
Blopez5293 Blopez5293 is offline
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Post ..... Continued......

Loving Lady has never been hard, never been work. We mesh in a way that scares me at times and keeps me in awe all the time. If things had gone differently for us we might have had the most glorious life together but we are here and no amount of wishing can ever change it. I would no more give up my children for her than she would for me. We are only who we are now, not who we once were.

There are days when Sith and I are in a rough patch that I wonder if love truly exists to last or if it is ever fleeting. Here today only to be gone tomorrow. And then I think of her and I know it does. It gives me the strength to fight for me and Sith. Because I want to nuture the love we share and maybe in another decade we will have built this amazing friendship and love together. I love him now and yet I know that tended carefully love only grows sweeter with time.

So here we are traveling Poly together. And I am scared to death. But I am willing. I don't know where this path is going but I travel it. Because to do anything less would not be staying truthful to the inner me. I am as ever, only me.
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  #4  
Old 06-07-2013, 04:24 AM
Blopez5293 Blopez5293 is offline
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Cool Drained

It is the end of the day here and I am ready for bed. It has been a very long day. I am emotionally drained and still I lie here thankful for the hand I ve been dealt. I love my life. I need to get into what put me in a tailspin today but I think for now I will sleep and just figure it all out tomorrow. Night all.
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  #5  
Old 06-13-2013, 07:15 PM
Blopez5293 Blopez5293 is offline
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Red face

Where to begin? I don't know why but the beginning or rather, where to begin is always the hardest part for me. Maybe it's because when I in the middle of something I tend to have a harder time seeing the beginning of it.

Sith and I have had a rough couple of years. We have worked hard to climb our way out of the hole we had dug ourselves. We have reconfirmed our love and dedication to eachother and our family. We have sat down and hammered out our rules of conduct. Yet, it seems to me that for every step we take there are 50 awaiting us on the road yet unraveled. Sometimes I feel so overwhelmed. And alone.

I wonder if we will ever arrive or if our lives are to forever be the journey? Maybe some combination of both? I don't know and I am not even sure I want to and still, the utter unknown of the future scares the bejesus out of me. I want to know that in the end it will turn out all right. And I don't.

Sith has been speaking to his friend S.D. a lot. Texting and Messenger and the like. What he may be saying doesn't bug me. His relationship with her does not bother me. What has me bugged is that when he's talking to her I may as we'll not be here. It's like I don't exist. And if I try to talk to him he'll give me a one word answer or ignore me or worse, break off mid-sentence to read her text and text her back, destroying any momentum in the conversation we might have had going. It's obnoxious. I wouldn't mind if he tested her and then talked to me. I would like it if he would at least have the courtesy to finish his thoughts with me before he reads her text and answers. It's like I am competing with a machine. And I can't compete.

Guess I'll approach him about it again. I can only tell him how I feel. I just hope he sees why it bugs me. And is willing to do something to make his behavior more respectful of me and our kids.

Tell ya how it goes.
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  #6  
Old 06-13-2013, 10:14 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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Default Five W's?

Blopez,

Something is driving me crazy. What are the 5 W's you reference in your blog title? Or will you get to them later? I've been reading (thank you for posting) and cannot figure out what they might be. Did I miss something obvious?
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  #7  
Old 06-16-2013, 12:48 AM
Blopez5293 Blopez5293 is offline
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Unhappy Companionship......

Such a powerful word. Companionship for me means a want to share space. It means spending intimate time. Taking opportunities to reconnect and share in eachothers lives. Talking about nothing or everything. Going out, staying in, reveling in the feeling of belonging to someone, something larger than yourself. A concept that in itself seems so damn simple as to be laughable, and yet the execution of same proves to be damnably elusive.

I like to think of myself as a grounded individual. I stopped believing in fairytales long ago. And yet I hold out hope for that companionship that all the epic love stories have. Someone who wants to spend time with me. Someone with whom I can share my dreams and fantasies with. Who won't laugh at them or me. The total ease of spending time with someone you truly love and care for.

Am I nieve in believing that such companionship exists? Throughout my life I have caught glimpses of this type if relationship so I have reason to believe it does. And I long for this type of connection with someone in my life. And I find myself longing for it with the intensity of a man dying of thirst who longs for that one last drink of water.

I don't see this companionship in gifts received or given, or fancy dates taken, but in the moments when you have the opportunity to really just immerse in one another. I miss having this type of connection in my everyday life. And I have no idea how to find it. It how to tell the ones I love what it is I need from them. For now I just feel as if I am afloat on a sea of uncertainty and emptiness. And there is no land in sight. I just don't know where to turn for help. :-(
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  #8  
Old 06-18-2013, 03:45 PM
Blopez5293 Blopez5293 is offline
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Unhappy Endings.......

Pain.... When I started this journey I never imagined such pain as I feel now. It hurts to breathe and think. And all I want to do is cry. I have been crying. Non-stop since Saturday when you texted those fateful words.

I want a divorce.

Devastation and pain is my world now. I begged and pleaded you to reconsider. To give us 6 months in marriage counseling. Table the divorce talk till then. Then take stalk of where we are then make decisions. But you won't budge. And now my world crumbles around me and I look into the faces of our children and wonder what I will say.

Because one day they will ask questions and I don't know how I will answer. How am I supposed to explain something that makes no fucking sense?

I am broken. I am lost. I want my mommy.... *quietly sobbing* :-(
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Along for the ride on this crazy rollercoaster called life

Karma's a bitch and Murphy's her brother

I am, as always, only me

Last edited by Blopez5293; 06-18-2013 at 03:46 PM. Reason: typos
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  #9  
Old 06-18-2013, 05:02 PM
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YouAreHere YouAreHere is offline
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Default


Hugs...

And no, you're not crazy or naive for thinking companionship like that exists. It does. It can be hard to find, but it does.

Hang in there, one step at a time, one day at a time.
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  #10  
Old 06-22-2013, 07:20 AM
Blopez5293 Blopez5293 is offline
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Arrow Update....

I lie here awake beside Sith and am in awe. How very fickle the heart and mind can be at times. Was it only days ago when we were standing at the brink of the precipice convinced we were going overboard. And now I lie here awake as ever in love and hopeful for the first time in a while.

Last weekend was horrendous. We had a blowout Saturday that culminated in the divorce talk on Sunday. I begged him to reconsider. We texted angrily all week. On Wednesday we had a prior commitment that we couldn't skip so we went. I lost my temper with my kids as we were leaving and got louder that necessary in the small space. I am ashamed to admit that I damaged my husbands ear in the process. I felt horrible. We ended up getting into one of the worst fights in our marriage. And then we were through the harsh words and anger. And both felt horrible about how we had been acting.

Finally, as if we had purged a long infected thorn, we talked. About all the hard decisions. And whether we both want to be in this together. About where we want to be in a year when we finally move to be closer to Lady.

It was perhaps the hardest talk I've ever had. And one of the most beneficial. Gala Girl talks of Muppet backstage crazy and playing like honorable Jedi. The analogy sticks well with me. Lately our life has been too much Muppet and no where near enough Jedi. And we finally both see it clearly.

He agreed to give me 6 months in marriage counseling. Weekly for about 2 hours on a day we do nothing afterward. I insisted that we allow ourselves the evening to process and continue to discuss what we feel we can without losing our tempers. And I have hope that he is listening, perhaps for the first time since our son died 5 years ago. Make no mistake, I believe that this will be hard work. It will require both of us to be fully committed. We are. And I know that we can do it. After all, we have survived much worse and have already made so much progress. It just seems monumentally stupid to give up now after we have come so far. So we continue on our journey.

Last night Sith went out with Twisted, previously called S. He stayed overnight and came home after work today. He was well marked up from his night with her and told me upfront when he came home. I am ok with it. And as I lie here I am in awe to feel stable enough right now to feel this incredible sense of compersion. We watched movies with our kids, played a round of water sports in the shower, and I gave him a long back massage. He is sore from how busy work has been and I'm sure from last night. So I tried to help work some of the tension out of his back and shoulders and help him relax. It was nice. And I must admit rather thrilling, in a good way, to see her marks and run my fingers ever so lightly over them. Thrilling to know he is getting this need fulfilled. I am not a Dom and have no nails to mark with. Lol :-)

Make no mistake I still don't like Twisted much. At least not now. But I have no jealousy towards her at all. I just think she brings a bit too much Muppet into our lives. :-P And as I have gotten older I really do seen to go out of my way to avoid Muppet crazy. I much prefer to play like an honorable Jedi. :-) But then as always, that's just me.
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Along for the ride on this crazy rollercoaster called life

Karma's a bitch and Murphy's her brother

I am, as always, only me

Last edited by Blopez5293; 06-22-2013 at 07:29 AM. Reason: typos
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