Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Life stories and blogs

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 05-22-2013, 11:29 PM
polywindsor polywindsor is offline
Member
 
Join Date: May 2013
Location: windsor ontario canada
Posts: 23
Default My Rantings- from a primary's standpoint

okay so I am totally new to both this website and poly in general. I have been a bi-sexual woman and my husband of five years (CM) and I joked around about having a third woman, and when we met our gf (JB) I knew for certain she was the one. I knew because her and I instantly became good friends. Now I cant say that this isn't hard because it is, JM hasn't come out to her parents and recently we found out that there was an OOPS in the making (due Dec. 19 2013), So here we are, we have just moved in together all three of us and things are changing. Not just with our relationship, we also have a non-poly roommate (NM), we are learning about not just poly but also parenting as well, we are also learning about family and struggles of adapting to living together. So I have always kept a journal and always valued the opinion of other like minded people, so I decided to start blogging. Now that you know the cast and characters, let me introduce a few back stage members of our group: Ma is my husbands widowed mother, Mom and Dad are JB's mom and dad, My parents and family are non existent except in my children's lives. I have two children from a previous relationship which I am fighting for custody of. I am a Nurse and a recovered Heroin addict and proud to work with other addicts. So now that you know all our people, I have two more who I know will add serious antics to the drama and that's sally JB's prissy Siamese/ hyaline cat, and Izzy our Min Pin.
So I guess that about wraps up the introductions I guess I can start tonights ranting LOL

So I am very insistent that my family sit down to at least one meal a day at the table. So tonight it was steak, potatoes and rice. No mind you I am the one who cooks sets the table and makes everyone come to dinner. So when I sit down I kind of expect everyone to talk and chat, but tonight it was like there was a tension in the air, I cant quite figure it out but you know when your mommy instincts start going and you know there is something up but no ones is saying anything, and I wasn't about to rock the boat. I asked JB a few questions as she is starting her new job tomorrow, and I am so proud of her. I asked what time she needed up, so I cant get up early and make sure her and the baby have a good breakfast before going off for a full 12 hour shift. After asking a few questions, the silence remained. I knew we would finish dinner in that fashion. So while we were sitting there, I had the rare chance to just linger away in my own thoughts. While I was there I started looking around and noticed that every single person at that table with the exception of me had their elbows on the table, napkins either bunched up next to their plate or hadn't even bothered to move their napkin to their lap. What atrocious manors my family has. After having dinner last night with my 10 and 11 yrs old daughters and recognizing them every time they did have good table manors, I picked up on this group of adult men and women with table manors that wouldn't even suit McDonalds, I sware. So since JB is starting her new job tomorrow and I start mine sometime this week, I am going to have to sit down and have a family meeting regarding the chores of the house and the house hold management, because I cant keep up, I realized that not only with the manors, also with the house I am mostly the mommy figure and take care of everyone, don't get me wrong I love my duties, but now that things are changing and that we are both going to be working we have to sort out the whole domestic stuff. I am not sure how to let go of the reins, but also I know that I cant just be the only one doing this, and as with the table manors I cant exactly expect things to be done as I think they should be, because in the end, everyone was fed, happy and clean so really why was I so concerned?
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 05-23-2013, 12:24 AM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: English Rose by birth; Calling the Southern Hemi home by choice.
Posts: 849
Default

Welcome to the forum and to poly!

Congrats to you all on the new pending bundle of joy. I love babies.

How do you think JM's parents are going to handle it when she comes out? Are they aware of her pregnancy, yet, or is she waiting to tell them the happy news?

Living together is a challenge at first. Different personalities and different ways of doing things. You can come up with a chores schedule and e-mail it if it is too hard to have a face-to-face family meeting. Or you can post it on a dry erase board or the refrigerator. You have to be creative!

I look forward to following your journey, and I hope all is well with each one of you!

Ry
__________________
Lizzy formerly known as Ry - Me. Panromantic demisexual with a history of polyamorist tendencies. Married to...
Matt - The once distant stranger that I complement beautifully. DH of 12 years and father of our (3) children.
Closed.

My Blog
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 05-23-2013, 03:18 PM
polywindsor polywindsor is offline
Member
 
Join Date: May 2013
Location: windsor ontario canada
Posts: 23
Question

Quote:
Originally Posted by FullofLove1052 View Post



How do you think JM's parents are going to handle it when she comes out? Are they aware of her pregnancy, yet, or is she waiting to tell them the happy news?





Ry
Hey there;

JB's parents are aware of the pregnancy and they are happy about being grandparents. JB didn't think that she could have children and had resigned herself to that ( Sally is her fur-child), so this is wonderful news for everyone. I am out to CM's family and most of my friends and work. JM is quite a different story, she is hardly out at all, and I don't want to seem pushy in any way, so I am just letting her do it on her own when she is ready. She is a very shy person to being with and there for it is harder for her. I am encouraging her to come out, as her parents have started to really ask questions now that we are all living together. There are two queen size beds in our room pushed together, so when they come over JM has to keep them out of our room, but there is three bedrooms in the house, Norm has one, CM, JB and I have the other, and the their is a set up as an office, so they have to have some kind of idea. Also I am always with them, and always here, so I am sure that they have a bit of an idea but to be honest I don't know how much. I know it is hard for her, so I am trying to be patient and wait and be supportive, but it is hard sometimes since I feel like I am being hidden quite often, so it is a sore spot in our relationship because I am stuck between how I feel and feeling for JB. LOL....


As for the baby in the works, we have all decided that JB and I are going to be Mommy and Mama, and CM is Daddy. So this is how the dynamic of that is going to work, though I don't know how it will work with JB's parents.? I physically can not have any more children, and CM and I have wanted a child for 3 years and have gone through one miscarriage and there for finding out I cannot have any more. Though I have two from my past, I still wanted one to make our family whole. So when JB got pregnant, I believe that it was fate intervening with what should be happening. Both of my partners believe this as well. There are times when I find it hard being the second Mama, and feeling left out with the baby, as I am sure that JB feels sometimes left out of CM and I's relationship. LOL, this is why I decided to blog because I have soooooooooo much going on in my life and all these feelings floating around, and no where to express them. My partners are sympathetic but it isn't their job to manage my emotions and feelings. And I know with my heart of hearts that this is the right decision for me, for us and our life, but navigating these emotional waters, sometimes I think we need a MD in psychology .....though when I look back I think of all the crazy things in our life and I sware we should have a comedy show LOL.
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 05-23-2013, 03:51 PM
polywindsor polywindsor is offline
Member
 
Join Date: May 2013
Location: windsor ontario canada
Posts: 23
Default My Rantings- from a primary's standpoint

Thursday May, 23 2013

So, I have been trying to re-connect with JB because I am starting to feel like her and I aren't as close since we moved in together. Weather it is the stress of moving, of worrying about her parents, both of us starting new jobs and just being pregnant has interfered with our closeness or our lack of time because of our crazy schedule I decided I needed some closeness , so a few days ago I set out to make some time for just her and I to re-connect and feel our bond that we have. Now to know JB and I is to go wow they are totally polar opposites, from our personalities to our best assets physically we are totally the opposite. She has short hair I have long, she has a great a$$ and I have the chest, I love spagettii she hates it, she is blue I am pink. It is just the way that we are so trying to connect is sometimes hard becaue things I would like done for me aren't really her cup of tea so sometimes it takes quite a bit of though in planning time together, but CM actually made it happen. He downloaded Breaking Bad and started watching it, I just so happens that I am a science nut and love the show and JB is a skateboarding nut so she loves the show. Weird how we find those things out, so with her first day at work happening this morning, last night I set out her clothes, set the alarm for early to wake up and then cuddled just her and I watching the entire season on Breaking Bad. LOL, of course I tucked her in, and she me (hehe, that has never been any kind of issue in our household !) and then off we went to bed. This morning I got up made coffee, packed her lunch and ironed her clothes. She was so happy just to have the support and the closeness that I feel we have gotten back on the same path together. I guess I am growing as a person and as a gf, because I used to think those things were just something the wife/mother did, not that it could be time used to connect and be close to someone. It was so nice to just be appreciated for the little things and to know that she feels closer that I forgot the need to be romantic and just let it happen on its own. I cant believe how lucky and honored I am to have this woman in my life who is showing me the little things in life, not the big things that my personality sees. I guess I have always been the kind of person go big or go home, a perfectionist per say, but JB is slowly but surely teaching me how to enjoy life simply.
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 05-25-2013, 10:46 PM
polywindsor polywindsor is offline
Member
 
Join Date: May 2013
Location: windsor ontario canada
Posts: 23
Default saturday may 25 2013

The last couple of days have been crazy crazy around here. J! Has been working, and we have had to come "out" to her boss. Yesterday I walked izzy to meet JB when she was done work (I do this often as she works just up the road so it is a nice walk) and on the way back her boss is texting her asking her to take more shifts. JB is almost ten weeks pregnant with horrible morning sickness and just drained so its not an option for her right now. We hadn't told her boss about being pregnant and poly yet because we didn't know how okay with it they would be. But we had to tell her about the baby yesterday.I am not sure if she ended up telling her boss about the baby's father etc... In one breath I underrstand not telling them, and I never want to push JB but I really feal hidden for the most part. I asked her the other day what she was going to do when her sister comes from out of town and stays with us. How are we going to hide that? Does anyone else know someone not out or arnt out themselves? I am fealing this way and when I tell her she says well I can't or she clams right up (she is very shy ) and I don't want to push her but I hate being put off as just the friend not the partner, which I am. Even to her parents and ANY family noone knows. It is really just CM and I's family and friends with a few of her, a select few.
I guess I need to put my patience cap on! I love her and always remember that. This is why I rant here and not at her thx for any input
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 05-26-2013, 04:03 PM
polywindsor polywindsor is offline
Member
 
Join Date: May 2013
Location: windsor ontario canada
Posts: 23
Cool Sunday, May 26 2013

I am not sure if what I am fealing is normal or not but today I really feal like a third wheel and very left out.
My hubby CM his aunt called and asked him and our roommate NM (nonpoly) to help her move. JB's parents were bringing some more stuff over (we are still moving the odds and ends in from moving in together) after discussion it was determind JB and I would have a couple hours in the morning (after I went to assist at work for a couple hour)to be alone * remember I have been saying for the last week or so that with the caos of our move and stuff that we wernt as close and that I was trying to reconnect with her* So I leave for work, JB being the only one up, she kisses me bye and then goes back to bed with CM. I was only gone an hour or a little morer, but by the time I got home everything had changed, well I guess not really cuz the boys were still doing as planned, but JB decided she was going to her parents to do laundry (it was done 2 days ago but I get her wanting to stay up on it) and then she was gunna help them bring her stuff out and I'd bring it up stairs when they got here. So much for mu special time with her. I feal like everything I said this week didn't count. I feal like she is embarassed by me (otherwise she would have asked me to go, or she would tell her parents we are together, even though they ask about our beds and sleeping arangements and they see me with her and CM all the time. I feal like she doesn't want to have a relationship with me, only the 3 of us and hers and him. About two days ago CM was tattoing so I asked JB if after dinner she would like to find us a movie and/or TV show on the laptop and cuddle up and watch it in bed. At first she made excuses like she didn't have anything to watch right now, I said I don't care I just want to cuddle with you and our baby. She backed off and said okay. I cooked dinner, did the dishes, showered shaved I stink pretty. I go out into the living room where JB CM NM, cat and dog are. I sit down and almost immediately JB stands with her cat and announces she is going to bed. You get the normal rounds of good nights kisses and hugs, all without any recognition of my suggestion. Now you have to understand JB to realize she isn't being rude intentionally; she is just super duper almost painfully shy. So please believe me when I say it wasn't being rude she probibly was just tired because she worked 8hrs and is pregnant, but I try to not say anything as to not hurt the person I love or make her uncomfortable, or push her into something she isn't ready to (ie comming out). I feal like she hides me quite often, with her familuy, doctors, friends, collegues. I believe there are only 3 people whom she has told, of those three, I spilled the beans unknowingly and unintentionally to one, the second one isn't a super close friends and the third she is no longer friends with. So this is why I feal hidden and like I'm the dirty little secret noone wants to get out!! Lol is this normal to feal this way when someone is still pretty much entirely in the closet??? I am starting to develop a relationship with her parents and I continueously have to watch what I say and do (I can't touch either of them, as CM is her bf and they don't know about me; I'm the friend), I also feal like I am a sham, dishonnest sham because I like who I am and am proud and lucky to have them both, and I have to sit back and bequiet!!!
I know I need to talk with her, but it feals like whenever I do she doesn't give a thought to what I say ( and I'm not sure if that's because she's pregnasnt, or emotional or scarde, or lack of her anti anixiety medications(her doc took her off for the prergnancy)
So anyone with any advice on what to do I'd very much apreciate anything, because right now I am a fish out of water flopping around. I am not sure what to do, or say to get my needs met but also respect her and not push her. Its kind of like a tight rope act, its all good till a mm wrong move!!!
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 05-26-2013, 04:22 PM
Magdlyn's Avatar
Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Metro West Massachusetts
Posts: 3,460
Default

There are threads here on coming out, look around. It's different for everyone. I think it must be especially hard for you since you're married to her bf, but her peeps think she's his gf and you're just a roommate! Weird! Don't you and he wear rings?

It is tricky when you're out and proud and one of your partners isn't. How long has she been your/yr husband's gf? How long did you date before moving in together?

I am sorry she is not giving you enough romantic alone time. That's the thing with triads, sometimes one person won't be interested much in one of their 2 partners.
__________________
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 58, living with:
miss pixi, 37, who is dating (NRE):
Master, 32
my bf: Ginger, 61, married to:
Robin, 60 (mono)
and dating (NRE): Carla and David, married couple, early 40s
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 05-31-2013, 01:27 AM
polywindsor polywindsor is offline
Member
 
Join Date: May 2013
Location: windsor ontario canada
Posts: 23
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
There are threads here on coming out, look around. It's different for everyone. I think it must be especially hard for you since you're married to her bf, but her peeps think she's his gf and you're just a roommate! Weird! Don't you and he wear rings?

It is tricky when you're out and proud and one of your partners isn't. How long has she been your/yr husband's gf? How long did you date before moving in together?

I am sorry she is not giving you enough romantic alone time. That's the thing with triads, sometimes one person won't be interested much in one of their 2 partners.

My hubby and I don't wear rings, we both have symbolic tattoos with eachothers names in it so its easy to miss as both of us have several tats. Ass for JB ii sat her down and told her how I was fealing and use straight examples and told her that just because I'm feeling this way doesn't mean she did anything intentionally and it doesn't mean that I love her any less. When I brought up the subject of "comming out" to her family her response was I just don't know how to tell them. So that's what we are working on now. She has taken what I said very seriously and tried to make me feel better about us so I really have to aplod her here. Its a work in progress! Thank u for the recomendation, I have been reading as much as I can on here as there is sooooo much great info and even more wonderful people. Thank you
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old 06-04-2013, 02:57 PM
polywindsor polywindsor is offline
Member
 
Join Date: May 2013
Location: windsor ontario canada
Posts: 23
Default Tuesday june 4th 2013

CATCH UP: lol SUNDAY JUNE 2,2013

So early morning CM JB and I were in bed cuddling and trying to figure out what we were doing for the day, CM and I were going to his moms to do our laundry and JB was going to hers to do her laundry. CM's mom told us we were welcome to come just we had to find our own way there, and seeing as how none of us drive this is a bit of a fete. JB gets ready and packs her laundry up. I asked her if her parents could drop me off, CM got a migraine and went to lay down. JB looked rather upset (now remember she is pregnant and off her anxiety medications) and she said if they have the van I will ask. I carried her laundry downstairs as I always did, and she sighed and said "they have the car". I took this as she didn't want me to come with them or ask them to drop me off. I have been trying to not to push her into telling them about me, or for me to push myself into their lives, im letting them come at their own speed. SO I said to JB never mind, and we left it at that. I went inside, took the dogs for a walk and was working no some work stuff when CM woke up and came out the living room. He expected me to be gone, and JB's mom to have dropped me off. When I told him what happened, and that I sincerely felt like she just didn't want me around he got rather upset. CM just try's to stay out of JB and I's feeling situation and let us work our own relationship out, and the same as she stays out of his and I's relationship and I stay our of theirs. it is just easier and less drama and we are not havening to chose sides and then there is more hurt feelings then just working it out (this works for us ) ANYHOW so CM and JB are texting back and forth while she is at her mothers doing laundry. They were discussing how it made me feel because this has been the last 4 Sundays that when we have time to be alone and together doing something (our work schedules are opposite) that she doesn't want me there at her moms, I felt like she was almost embarrassed by me. I know she was just figuring out her own sexuality and I was giving her time and not pushing. CM knew how much it bothered me and has seen me cry and knows why I wont push her regardless of how it is hurting me. I had also told him not to tell her how bad it was bothering me as I don't want her to do something she doesn't want to just because I feel like she is embarrassed by me as a side effect. The last few weeks he has, in his usual fashion, stayed out of it, but this morning he'd had enough. He told JB everything, how she was making me feel and when I said never mind it wasn't because I didn't need a ride there or didn't want to be to be there it was because I got the impression that she didn't want me there and it wasn't like she insisted on asking her mom, so I just left it alone. I am not quite sure what all was said during this long texting war between my two loves, but the next thing I knew JB was sending me the text that would forever be the best most unshelfish thing someone anyone could have done for me.
"Baby I told my mom. I am not embarrassed by you, and I definitely want to be with you and you should have told me how you were feeling. I never want to hurt you" She really did it, she told her mom everything, even though she was scarde and afraid of losing her family, she did it because she loves me and doesn't want me to be hurting. it was the most amazing thing she could ever ever give me. She told her mom she was poly and asked her to tell her dad since she would know better how to word it. She told her it wasn't like a constant manage a trois, but rather a real relationship with feelings and love. She was rather accepting of it and she asked a few questions, but the thing I love the most was, "well it now makes sense why you guys have two queen size beds together". LOL ( not to mention we all have matching tattoos, CM has her and I tattooed on his leg and I have her name across my back LOL. This made me feel so wanted, safe and loved. This was EXACTLY what our relationship needed. and the following day would prove to be just that.
Sunday night we all enjoyed ourselves but having some cuddle family time. JB and I took a long hot bubble bath with candels and chocolate. CM did this for us. We sat back and rubbed eachothers sore muscles, back and legs. We talked about what our weeks were consisting of, how we were doing things etc. We enjoyed eachother the way we never had, we loved with out limits and with out any secrets and complete trust. This was the most amazing feeling in the world and it only got better the next day and the day after.

MONDAY JUNE 3 2013

I had to be up at 530 to be at the doctors by 730. I didn't realize I had am appointment at noon and was working 9-5. When I met the receptionist she said I had to see him today regardless and that she would put me in first at 830. I thought right on, this works perfectly. She assured me he would be there right at 830 and that I wold be out of there by 845 and to work for 9. JB was already texting me asking if I was alright and what was going on, she was genuinely concerned, and she also had picked me up cigerettes and watned to drop them off to me. It was so sweet for her to just be there like that and to consider what I needed and just generally be so sweet. She was sending me the I loved you texts and stuff all day. I couldn't believe the difference now that she was out and she is proud. I couldn't ask for anyting more then they are giving me right now. So CM is now up texting me as well worried I wont be to work on time, and with out them I would have been. The doc wasn't in till 845 and so I was freeking out. JB texted me told me to call a cab that CM would walk up and she would pay for it. IT was just he best feeling in the world to know they had my back. So off to work I went, JB went to work. I came home at lunch CM was waiting for me a big hug and kiss and I love you, then back to work. When I was done for the day, the house was tidied, CM offered to cook JB and I dinner, then last night JB went to bed early and CM and I went for a 5 km walk and loved every min of it, he picked us flowers and when I got home he ran me a bubble bath and then I crawled into bed with JB and curled around her and fell instantly asleap. These last 3 days have been the best days of our relationship and if things stay the say way I know I will never ever regret being poly and being with these two amazing people who just make my life better with the things they do and the love and support and unconditional kindness they show me, I have realized I am the luckiest girl alive. I know I sound like the "Honeymoon" NRE, but isn't it is just that our lifes are getting better and we have worked through most of our kinks to just be able to enjoy ourselves and our new baby on the way.
__________________
Amy (me) -30 year old poly female in a triad relationship with hubby and gf

CM- Husband of five years father of JB's unborn child

JB-
28 bi-sexual gf of CM and I,and the mother of our unborn child, and my best friend


"I don't regret my past only the time I have wasted with the wrong people" - unknown
Reply With Quote
  #10  
Old 06-15-2013, 11:46 AM
polywindsor polywindsor is offline
Member
 
Join Date: May 2013
Location: windsor ontario canada
Posts: 23
Default Saturday June 15 2013 work in progress got interupted

So the last time I blogged was about a week ago, I am really having a hard time finding time for me and I am starting to realize how little I mean in my relationship (or how little I perceive myself as being). Let me first say I am the caretaker mommy, rules and appointments etc and I love my jobs both at home and at work but there are times I wish my partners would just take care of me think about me. For example I iron everyone work cloths take his dog out then my own, make coffee and sometimes breakfast do dishes shower and then get ready for work ( oh did I mention I work at 700 am?)
__________________
Amy (me) -30 year old poly female in a triad relationship with hubby and gf

CM- Husband of five years father of JB's unborn child

JB-
28 bi-sexual gf of CM and I,and the mother of our unborn child, and my best friend


"I don't regret my past only the time I have wasted with the wrong people" - unknown
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 10:40 AM.