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Old 05-22-2013, 12:26 PM
LadySFI LadySFI is offline
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Default Someone tell me it works

Hi all,

I understand this is a support forum so people will come with hard questions for things occurring in their lives. However, I have been reading for a few days now and most of the posts scare the crap out of me. Can some people with long term healthy, functional poly relationships please chime in? I am less than 8 weeks into mine and am really scared by the complications I am reading about. I am willing to put in the work and communicate and accept some strife can go along with sharing/splitting time etc. I just need to know that this is working for some people and that overall they are truly happy with their lifestyle choice.
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Old 05-22-2013, 12:42 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Hehe, no wonder you're scared. Poly goes so against the grain of mainstream society. For most people, they are first generation polyamorists and forging a new path in life that goes contrary to everything society has brainwashed us to believe.

I've been poly at heart all my life (I'm 57) but only learned the term and tried to start practicing in 1999. My now ex husband and I botched it with newbie mistakes (we were unicorn hunters and struggled mightily with jealousy). But after we separated in 2008, I set out on my own to practice polyamory and it's been basically a great adventure! I found a wonderful gf almost right away.

She's been very tolerant and supportive of my continuing to date. I am bi/pansexual and really wanted a bf. Didnt find Mr Right for 3 years, so I dated a couple dozen guys during my search and had a lot of fun, got my heart knicked a few times...

You can read my blog. It's not overly dramatic, just your basic garden variety poly person of a certain age...
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me: Mags, 58, living with:
miss pixi, 37, who is dating (NRE):
Master, 32
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Old 05-22-2013, 12:43 PM
CattivaGattina CattivaGattina is offline
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Remember, most people don't post on a message board/forum "OMG! My life is going perfect and there are no problems ever". It's generally used for having others help you find solutions to problems you can't.

But there's a few people on here that have relationships in the double digits. As for me I've just had the 1 year with my boyfriend, when my fiancee and I get married we are at 4 years, my boyfriend and his wife just celebrated 10 years together, and she is in her third year with her boyfriend.
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Old 05-22-2013, 12:54 PM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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I have been married 12 years and with my boyfriend a year.

Everything is going just fine.
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Married in the eyes of the government to Butch since 2001...
Murf my monogamous second husband has been with me since May of 2012.
In a V relationship with an average 60/40 split of time. Only due to Murf's and Butch's crappy work schedules.
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Old 05-22-2013, 01:32 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Oh yeah, I should add I've been with my gf miss pixi 4 1/2 year and with my bf Ginger for 1 1/2. He's also married, been with his wife since the late 70s and they've always been poly.
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 58, living with:
miss pixi, 37, who is dating (NRE):
Master, 32
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Old 05-22-2013, 03:05 PM
Cleo Cleo is offline
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In a relationship with my husband for about 20 years, monogamous for 16, poly for about 4 years now. Been with both my BF's for aboout 18 months, my husband has been with his GF for about 2 years.

I cannot imagine living another way anymore. There are lows, but there were lows in monogamy, and the highs are so much higher!

Also, I feel that poly is giving me major opportunities to grow, to become a more rounded, balanced person. My poly life has been a boost for my spiritual life, and the past 4 years have taught me so incredibly much about myself.
Dealing with letting go, jealousies, insecurities, and most importantly, learning to be brutally honest with myself about everything (and I still suck at this!)

So yeah, it's working for me. I can see myself going back to a committed monogamous relationship for a while, if circumstances made it necessary. But I do feel that non-monogamy will always find its way back into my life.
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Old 05-22-2013, 03:12 PM
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BigGuy BigGuy is offline
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Sheila and I just celebrated 5 years and she's been with John about 4. It's been largely drama free. In fact he and I are in the waiting room waiting for her to get out of surgery.
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Old 05-22-2013, 03:17 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Dagferi View Post
I have been married 12 years and with my boyfriend a year.

Everything is going just fine.


Similar situation here. Been married 13 years, been on & off with other partner for 25 years, spouse has been with their other partner for over a year. No major problems, just minor ones like you'd have with any other relationship. The "secret" is to know yourself and know when something is not "about you"...and knowing when something IS "about you".

This forum is good for some things: learning from other people's mistakes, and figuring out how NOT to treat people or allow oneself to be treated, to name a couple of them.

But by all means, OP, if the things you read here SCARE you, feel free to not be non-monogamous.
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Old 05-22-2013, 05:10 PM
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Marcus Marcus is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BoringGuy View Post
The "secret" is to know yourself and know when something is not "about you"...and knowing when something IS "about you"
^ Beautiful

LadySFI, if you pay attention you'll notice some similarities between the multitude of train wrecks available to peruse on this site. You will see that people are lying to each other, being possessive and controlling, and withholding critical communication. Now, run through your extensive memory banks and reflect on all of the monogamous relationships which were effortless and flourished under these conditions.

Couldn't think of any? That's because relationships between possessive, controlling, passive (aggressive) people tend to have TONS of drama and end with a bang (which is what you see on these boards). The key to any relationship is for everyone to be honest, respect each-others independence, and speak up when you feel you have something you need to share. Most people know that intuitively, even though they rarely seem to behave accordingly.
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Old 05-22-2013, 05:41 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Marcus View Post
^ Beautiful
thanks, you're not too shabby either

Quote:

LadySFI, if you pay attention you'll notice some similarities between the multitude of train wrecks available to peruse on this site. You will see that people are lying to each other, being possessive and controlling, and withholding critical communication. Now, run through your extensive memory banks and reflect on all of the monogamous relationships which were effortless and flourished under these conditions.

Couldn't think of any? That's because relationships between possessive, controlling, passive (aggressive) people tend to have TONS of drama and end with a bang (which is what you see on these boards). The key to any relationship is for everyone to be honest, respect each-others independence, and speak up when you feel you have something you need to share. Most people know that intuitively, even though they rarely seem to behave accordingly.

One other thing - a lot of the "trainwrecky" stories involve people who are looking for "advice" about how to get someone else to change their behaviour to suit the person posting the question. This can be anything from "my partner is an insensitive prick who cheated and when i found out he said "oh it's because i'm poly" what should i do" to "we are poly but our primaries won't let us spend the night together or eat in restaurants where someone might recognize us, what should we do". Then people will basically say that you can only control yourself, not other people, at which point the person will start 17 new threads asking the same question different ways hoping to get the answer that is the magic bullet and not have to actually confront their own life.
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