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Old 07-09-2009, 02:43 AM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Default Long Term Poly Relationship Goals?

Hi every one ..want to do a little self analysis?

I often wonder what individual goals are in the development of polyamorous relationships. I mean what the individual expectations are for the long haul.

Are you looking for a specific structure such as Quad, triad or V.
Are you looking for numerous secondaries without a desire for forming a life long primary relationship?
Are you looking for polyfidelity in a family integrated level relationship within a specific structure?
Do you want to be a secondary to others?

These are all questions that have answers that may evolve as we change as individuals but what about your expectations today?

Although I am monogamous, I love being in a supportive role as a secondary to Redpepper and her husband. I get to help them grow closer as a family and am committed to the love I have with Redpepper in a spousal sense (if I can be so bold).

My goal is simple: become an even greater positive to Redpepper, her husband and her family while giving her all the love I have...make her happy and share everything with her and support her in being fulfilled...become a life long integrated part of her family. I have my needs to do this, which are identified and very freeing.

Lots of love for everyone, Mono.

Last edited by MonoVCPHG; 07-09-2009 at 04:05 AM.
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Old 07-09-2009, 04:24 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Oh baby, I love you so much. I look forward to our future growth and continued love. I'm so fortunate in so many ways and so humbly appreciative.
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Old 07-09-2009, 07:19 PM
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I think this is an excellent idea. Through all of my researching into Poly, most of the references are about multiple partnering, which I don't think is what my husband or I am looking for. Although the integrated families idea is appealing, and as we make our own rules this could be plausable.

Our current goals, beside working on our own issues, is to learn as much as we can about the lifestyle before really jumping in, although my feet are already wet. If things don't work out with my friend, I'm not sure how actively we will pursure a triad even, which currently would be my ideal. I never liked the "dating scene" and I suppose you could call me, up to this point, a serial monogamist. I prefer being in a relationship then just dating. Although as a growing person, I'm willing to make exceptions as long as it stays within the agreed boundaries.

I think I would prefer a triad, perhaps even a house sharing triad. I would love for both of my men to be "Primaries" although that kinda goes against the meaning of the word, but that is how I feel about both of them. I wouldn't want my "second" to feel any less loved or appreciated than my legal spouse.

Mono: I wish my friend would spend some time reading your posts and seeing how a monogamist actually can be a part of a poly relationship. I know not all men or mono's can get to the point you have reached, but you give me hope that someday, perhaps my friend will get there...or at least he'll give it, and us, a chance.
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Old 07-09-2009, 08:32 PM
Mark1npt Mark1npt is offline
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Love your signature line Van.....it is truly what life is about....and it sounds like you are approaching your venture into poly the right way. I hope your "second" guy and yes we all agree we don't like that term, comes around to you and your way eventually. If it's meant to be, it's meant to be.
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Old 07-09-2009, 08:36 PM
Mark1npt Mark1npt is offline
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Mono....what did you do to Redpepper to so overwhelmingly win her over? That is awesome, you two...and your extended family should continue to have a very happy and fulfilling life on this planet.
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Old 07-09-2009, 09:00 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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I've said this before, but to answer the OP:

I have no "goals", and am not trying to "be polyamorous". I re-met someone after 21 years and fell totally in love with him and even though he didn't want to "share" me with my husband, I have to use this experience to learn and be prepared for in case it ever happens again. I don't "need" more than my husband can give me, and I don't have this inclination to "love more". For the most part, I can't imagine meeting someone new and falling in love with them, only certain people I already know but our paths have uncrossed for whatever reason. Of course, I'm not ruling anything out. And I am grateful that my husband is willing to roll with this. He must really love me! I know he does.
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Old 07-09-2009, 09:24 PM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mark1npt View Post
Mono....what did you do to Redpepper to so overwhelmingly win her over? .
My quick response would be that I don't know. In truth I think she loves me because I made myself more vulnerable to her than I have ever before. I simply trust her beyond all others and exposed my weaknesses to her. By looking into my heart and accepting me she tapped into something that hit her like a wave. ..not the kind that washes parts of you away, the kind that flows around you and the people you love. Her happiness and family are first and foremost to me..I think she understands that. The only thing I value as much as my connection to her is the connection I have with myself. Without it I would become lost again.

Take care Mark, I hope everyone gets at least glimpse of what she has given me
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Old 07-09-2009, 10:26 PM
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Good question and one I've been dealing with since I decided to start coming to terms with myself.

Ideally, I would have my husband and my gf who would also love eachother deeply but not be sexual. I suppose a mono lesbian or poly bi woman with her own male life partner? She (or they) would be completely integrated into our family and us in theirs and the relationships formed would be, at least sexually, closed. There's always room for more love and friends.

But...there's room for change. When with P I had that for a time. But she's also bi and had a male partner (who was a huge part of the problems leading to the end). I was willing to open the relationship to a triad in order to fulfill her needs emotionally and sexually as a bisexual. N and I discussed it as well as moving her in with us if it came to that point. She was also so close with my son. It didn't work out that way.

I suppose I have an "ideal" but the end result would depend on the person(s) eventually involved, should we ever venture forth and try again.
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Old 07-10-2009, 06:54 AM
StarGazer StarGazer is offline
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I don' thave any specific interests in terms of numbers. I think more than 4 would get a bit ridiculous for me- I grew up an only child of divorced parents. Basically it was me and my mom for the longest- and I don't think I'd do well in a large family.

I've mentioned it before, but I'm in it for the long term- I want a family, not a casual fling. I don't think I'd have any secondaries, and I'd want everyone to get along even if they aren't in romantic relationships with each other.
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Old 07-30-2009, 08:13 AM
Degenerate Degenerate is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
Hi every one ..want to do a little self analysis?

Lots of love for everyone, Mono.
Nice idea!


Are you looking for a specific structure such as Quad, triad or V.

No, I never have been. I am just looking for the freedom to love those who I love, and allow that to naturally find its space and build it's own path. Using the descriptions I see others use here, I am the middle point in a V at the moment, with an secondary, more causal, partner as well. I would love my V to be a triad (a new feeling for me!). The V has potential for being an M, or a longer string. I don't normally use these labels, as in my circle (which is what I call it normally) there is a fair bit of overlap, in that we are all family, all hang out together and also indulge in some lower level intimate stuff together sometimes ;-)

Are you looking for numerous secondaries without a desire for forming a life long primary relationship?

No

Are you looking for polyfidelity in a family integrated level relationship within a specific structure?

No I am looking for us all to be allowed to naturally form any loving relationships we are lucky enough to come across.

Do you want to be a secondary to others?

That is find with me buit I don't seek it. I tend not to use primary/secondary labels as I hate hierarchies and also do not live with any of my partners. If I did I would probably consider whoever lived with me a primary. In this circumstance right now, the only way to describe it would be that I have two primaries (but I suspect this makes a mockery of the language!)

These are all questions that have answers that may evolve as we change as individuals but what about your expectations today?

For me, I am 17 years in now, and my intention has always been the same and I am openminded about structure and try not to set myself any rules apart from the obvious ones about integrity, honesty,compassion, etc - I think all relationships are unique and want to leave room for that. How I practice polyamoury however, has changed a lot over the years and I am loving the more family like structure I have had in recent years, compared to my 'very separate relationships' model of the past.

De
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