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Old 05-19-2013, 02:06 PM
Ssandra Ssandra is offline
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Default Poly and pregnant

Hi guys,

I've been reading and participating here and there, and I think it is time to start writing my story. Hopefully that will help me settle things in my mind and help me cope with my situation.

Some background; when I met my husband I was in an open relationship with someone else. Sex was ok, feelings were not. So the moment I fell in love with my (now) husband, I broke it off with my boyfriend.

Best decision I've ever made . We are together now for 9 years, married for 7. The marriage was just a formality, we needed the signed paper. However, in our minds and hearts the commitment (feeling wise, not meant exclusivity) that usually comes with marriage has been present since the very beginning.

We have had an open relationship since the very beginning. Not that we actually did anything with it, except a few threesomes and my husband had a few sexual things whenever I was away for a few weeks (I live in a different country then my birth country, so sometimes I went to visit my family).

In my mind, multiple relationships and loving multiple people at the same time has always been a possibility. In his mind it hasn't. So, the "rule" was to only be ok with sex, no feelings. When feelings happen it is not betrayal yet, just to break it off right then and there.

Since I don't feel the same way, but it didn't bother me either I never had that "rule" for him. He imposed that on himself.

Fast forward to a few weeks ago; a good friend of his that he has known for about 3 years confessed that she was falling for him. I know her, she knows me, and she mainly told him so that he would be aware of her drawing away or acting weird for a bit while she was sorting out her feelings.

Of course when he told me my first reaction was "and what do you feel about her?"

I knew already (from their texts and the way that he talks about and to her) that he cared a lot for her, but simply wasn't admitting it to himself.

Long story short, they decided (with my full encouragement and support) to give it a go.

In general, I love that he is in love. I think it is absolutely adorable how he is when he talks about her. How he talks to her on the phone. I also love that it has given our own sex life a new impulse, has made him more present to our relationship, and in general I just love that he is happy.

The big issue here is that I am pregnant. Planned and wanted very much, we waited and talked for about 2 years before making the decision. I am very very happy to start this family. And I have no issues with her being part of this family somewhere in the future as Aunty.

The difficulty is hormones. Hormones make me cry myself to sleep whenever he doesn't spend the night with me. I have always slept very poorly when he isn't with me (on business trips) and being tired and hormonal isn't helping at all.

Another issue is a difference in how we see being poly. For my husband and the girlfriend it is great as it is going at the moment. Keeping things completely separate. They date and have their dating life, going out, seeing each other etc. and my husband and I have our home life, go out, and go on like business as usual.

I personally prefer if we could have some time with the three of us as well. Just hanging out, nothing sexual. Not even every single time, or even every week, just every now and then to go out for dinner together and then they can go and spend the night together, or he drops her off at home and spends the night with me, whatever is the case.

I know that being poly is very difficult for my husband. He understands now that loving multiple people is possible and actually ok, but he still feels awkward about it, still feels like he is cheating on me.

I understand that it is difficult for her as well. She feels like "the other woman". We talked and she knows she has my full support and blessing, but you don't simply erase years and years of cultural and social conditioning.
For what it is worth, she is not jealous, it is just the social stigma that bothers her.
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Old 05-19-2013, 02:18 PM
Ssandra Ssandra is offline
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We talk a lot, my husband and I. He knows how I feel and keeps telling me that I want to go to fast, that I have to be patient.

I'm not a patient person

I also feel very insecure. Which I *know* are the hormones talking, because I am usually not like that. But I feel a lot less than her. I feel not as wanted. I feel not as desired. I don't know what I have to offer that he cannot get better from her (she is younger, prettier, finished school, will probably work when I won't, isn't big, fat and ugly with pregnancy etc).

This is all very unrealistic, I know. Yet I cannot help but feel that way anyway.

I talk to him about it and he does his best to comfort me and tell me all the ways that isn't true... but it simply isn't helping.

I feel miserable when he is not here.

We did settle down on a "rule" (I hate the word rule. But I don't know what other word would be better suited...) that will help I think...

I asked him to not spend 2 nights in a row with her, to be home at least around 1am on the nights that he is not spending the night with her (as opposed to 5am). I sleep so much better when he is lying next to me, including all his snoring . More than 1 night in a row of not sleeping right now is too much for me.
They have a small holiday to the beach planned (with me being ok with that of course) so that will be the exception. I am ok with that, because once I am closer to my due date I don't want him to be so far away from me.
I asked him that whatever he does, when I am within 4 weeks of my due date, that he is never father away then a 30 minute drive. If that means staying at home till rush hour is gone, so be it.

He does support me in what I need a lot. I had a pre-term labor scare a few days ago and he cancelled all plans he had (work and private) and stayed with me, and took care of me. I had to get an injection (I'm scared of needles) and he stayed with me and went to see her later.

So logically and rationally, I know that I am still important, I know he still loves me just as much and I know that he won't leave me. Rationally, I know that the love he feels for her doesn't take away the love he feels for me, it is just in addition.

Hormonally though, I feel like he only wants to be with her, misses her when she isn't there, but not me. That he doesn't want to be with me, because he always is with me anyway.

He is handling his NRE pretty well. I am somewhat of a control freak and like knowing everything (it calms me down and seeing how happy they are makes me feel better about the entire situation) and he complies by talking to me about things whenever I ask him, and answers all my questions.
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Old 05-19-2013, 02:39 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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When is your due date?

It's funny, I just had the thought, your husband has a new loved one now, but soon, so will you! The delightful little baby. Consider now discussing how much you will need him in the early weeks and months of the baby's life. Those are trying times and it's much easier with your partner around at bedtime! He should discuss that with the gf too, prepare her for him being needed at home to take care of his child and post partum wife.

Personally, I think you're well within your rights to have h just spend one night a week with the new gf. Until he agrees to have more hangout time with both of you, at least! You should feel less competitive as you get to know her better, know she's just human like you, not "better than."
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Old 05-19-2013, 02:47 PM
Ssandra Ssandra is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
When is your due date?

It's funny, I just had the thought, your husband has a new loved one now, but soon, so will you! The delightful little baby. Consider now discussing how much you will need him in the early weeks and months of the baby's life. Those are trying times and it's much easier with your partner around at bedtime! He should discuss that with the gf too, prepare her for him being needed at home to take care of his child and post partum wife.

Personally, I think you're well within your rights to have h just spend one night a week with the new gf. Until he agrees to have more hangout time with both of you, at least! You should feel less competitive as you get to know her better, know she's just human like you, not "better than."

Thank you! One of the reasons that he wants to take her on a short holiday is exactly because the last few weeks of pregnancy and the first month or 2 of having the baby he will have less time for her. They are both aware of that and obviously ok with it.

I don't necessarily feel competitive with her, it is more like all my own insecurities are being pushed out into the open, no matter how unrealistic they are. And they are harder to handle because of the hormones.

I'm due beginning of August (2 more months!). It is our first, so there is a lot of things we don't know yet how they will work, what will happen, etc.


I don't feel like it is fair to say that they can only be together once a week, or put a limit on their relationship. It is new, they are in happy sweet puppy love, she is terrified of the heavy feelings she is feeling for him already.... I just want to be as supportive as possible and give their relationship every chance possible to succeed.
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Old 05-19-2013, 03:13 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ssandra View Post
... the last few weeks of pregnancy and the first month or 2 of having the baby he will have less time for her. They are both aware of that and obviously ok with it.
Not so obviously, that is why I asked. As a mother of 3, let me tell you, infants are demanding for a lot longer than a month or 2. More like 2 years! Some things get easier once the newborn stage is past, you might have a nice lull of a settled baby, but then teething starts and oh boy.

Or you might get a "spirited child" who is just more needy 24/7 for years. Luck of the draw...

Quote:
I don't necessarily feel competitive with her, it is more like all my own insecurities are being pushed out into the open, no matter how unrealistic they are. And they are harder to handle because of the hormones.
Becoming poly really can make you dig deep into your issues and insecurities. It kinda comes with the territory. It's a blessing really, but hard to deal with! It can be like a rollercoaster, even when you're not pregnant!


Quote:
I don't feel like it is fair to say that they can only be together once a week, or put a limit on their relationship. It is new, they are in happy sweet puppy love, she is terrified of the heavy feelings she is feeling for him already.... I just want to be as supportive as possible and give their relationship every chance possible to succeed.
I'm sorry, but, pffft! Most people put some kind of limits on how often the metamour can be seen. Being in a V is much much different than being in a mono thing.

Personally, in my 4+ years of being partnered with my gf, I've almost always seen other lovers once a week at most. Right now I've got a serious bf, we've been together 1 1/2 years and Ive just started seeing him more than once a week, that is, one overnight and one daytime date. However, he has a wife of his own and things to do! That's about all he can manage time-wise as well.
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 59, living with:
miss pixi, 37
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Old 05-19-2013, 04:50 PM
Ssandra Ssandra is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post

I'm sorry, but, pffft! Most people put some kind of limits on how often the metamour can be seen. Being in a V is much much different than being in a mono thing.

Personally, in my 4+ years of being partnered with my gf, I've almost always seen other lovers once a week at most. Right now I've got a serious bf, we've been together 1 1/2 years and Ive just started seeing him more than once a week, that is, one overnight and one daytime date. However, he has a wife of his own and things to do! That's about all he can manage time-wise as well.
I am more thinking about how often I want him to be at home (or with me), instead of telling how much he can see her.

It doesn't matter to me if he is out with friends or with her, he is not with me. So I want at least 3 week nights, and one weekend day where I have him for myself. Most of the time so far it works out.

(The rest is not just directly to your response, also just things that popped up and I feel are healthy to let out)

It just sucks this week, because although he was with me, for my feelings it doesn't count because I was on bed rest and we didn't get to go out or do anything together. But for him it does count, because we were together all day.

I guess this is just part of feeling our way together and seeing what works.

I'm also very aware of giving them this time now because they won't have it later.

I'll be a stay at home mom, so there will be times when if she wants to see him, she'll just have to come over, either when I'm here and (hopefully!) sleeping, or when he is taking care of his daughter in the evenings and I have some time for myself. She is ok with watching the baby as well when he and I need some time alone, although realistically it will be more my mother in law who will demand that we leave the baby with her (if possible. I realize that I could have a high needs baby, and won't be able to get out much at all.)


When I met my husband we we met on a Friday on a weekend away with mutual friends. We were together all weekend, had our first date on Monday, another one on Tuesday, and on Wednesday we slept together and have been together every single night since then (well, except for some work trips he had to make and some back home trips of mine). But things moved fast and intense. And it is the same with them right now, things are moving fast and intense.

And knowing how much the need is to be with him, to be able to touch him, smell him, and just be around him, how can I deny her that which I had/have as well? I joke with him that it is all his fault, that he is addictive!

It does get a bit less with time (doesn't disappear though), that's why I prefer sharing to having things separate. I don't care about the sex, but the need to be with him and around him has increased a lot again during pregnancy.

I'm also not a big fan of secondary and primary labels. He loves her, similar to how he loves me. There are differences of course, simply because we are different persons. But I'm not less, nor more, important than she is.

Our baby will be. She will be more important than me, than her and than him. That is something we (husband and I) agree upon.

I think he is going to be an amazing father, and will fall 100% in love with his daughter the moment he sees her
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Old 05-24-2013, 08:08 PM
Ssandra Ssandra is offline
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Shit just got real. She might be pregnant. Accident obviously, and most likely she is not, but she is late. But she is also very irregular and has had a lot of stress in the last few weeks. They used just condoms for the last month or so. She was/is planning on additional birth control, this month (has to wait till she gets her period to start).

They are going to take a test next week and we will se what happens.

Of course, before starting all this I thought about all the possible outcomes, pregnancy being one of them, and theoretically I was ok with it.

It still sucks if that is the case though. My husband and I planned my pregnancy. We talked about it for 2 years before even starting to prepare to try. I lost weight, got healthier. We talked about education, how to raise our baby, etc. it took us 8 months to get pregnant.

She doesn't want kids now, but would keep it if she is pregnant by accident. At least, that's what she said when they were starting to get physical. Things may have changed, may not have.

I'm trying to be calm. Most likely she will be like me, take a test that turns out negative, and get her period a few hours later. Stress does weird things to the body.

My husband is worried as well. Both of us had already decided we didn't want anymore kids. Just the one. (Edit: obviously he is a great man, and says it is 100% her decision what to, and that he will stand by her no matter what. There is a reason why I love him so much. He truly is an amazing person!)

If this is true, things that were talk of the future are suddenly talk of the present. Things like the living situation. I am definitely NOT ok with my husband only living with us (me and the baby) part time, and part time with her. I'd be ok with all of us sharing a house and him sleeping in her bedroom half the time and the other half in mine. However, I'm not sure they are ok with that. I know right now they definitely are not even ok with just hanging out together.

It is all hypothetical of course until we know, hopefully we will know soon that it is nothing and that everything can just go on as it is for a long while longer, till everybody is more used to the situation.
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Old 05-24-2013, 11:43 PM
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FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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I wish you well with that situation. You are handling it better than most people I know would, so kudos for that. Accidents happen. I hope it works out for all of you and that she is not pregnant right now.
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Old 05-25-2013, 01:59 AM
Ssandra Ssandra is offline
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Originally Posted by FullofLove1052 View Post
I wish you well with that situation. You are handling it better than most people I know would, so kudos for that. Accidents happen. I hope it works out for all of you and that she is not pregnant right now.

Thanks. Not much sense in panicking or being upset, it is one of the known risks of having sex, and if you don't want to take the risk, do that've sex (or don't be ok with your partner having sex).
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Old 05-25-2013, 05:11 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Hey, just wanted to say that, as someone in a poly relationship with a new parent, it's nice to see someone else who seems to be successfully managing it so far (I know it's early days, but everything you've written sounds very reasonable and workable to me). Some poly folks seem to think that pregnancy and then the first couple of years of infancy are just not a good time for multiple relationships, because there's too much other stuff going on. It HAS been hard at times (what relationship isn't?), but I'd like to think that, because I can help out with babysitting or in a crisis, my presence in the lives of the new parents has actually made it easier for them overall rather than harder.

Anyways, best of luck.
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