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Old 05-16-2013, 10:30 PM
Ssandra Ssandra is offline
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Default What is the line between being selfish and communicating your needs?

Just something that I was thinking about today. How do you know where your line is? When you go over it? When you don't take your own needs into consideration enough in order not to be selfish?
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Old 05-17-2013, 01:19 AM
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If you hold back in communicating your needs, then you are not being fully honest, or lying by omission. Communicating has nothing to to with selfishness.
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Old 05-17-2013, 01:48 AM
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Think of it this way: you have the right to listen to your music as loud as you want, but that right ends with my right to enjoy my peace and quiet. Unfortunately, we need sound ordinances and "quiet hours" because some people can't seem to figure out that they share a planet with 7+ billion other people.

Now take all that, and apply it to your relationships: are you a loud music type? Or a quiet-hour type?

If you tell me to "just wear earplugs", the conversation is forfeited.
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Old 05-17-2013, 02:12 AM
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choctaw103 choctaw103 is offline
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Isn't selfish kind of self imposed? I was an only child and I must actively decide not to be "selfish". From the time I was 7 until the time I was 16 I was effectively on my own, so do you fault someone who has had to self suffice for that long for having a hard time considering other people? I really had to go and self-evaluate to reign that in. In essence I guess I am just saying your partners technically make the call, but if you are smart you have already taken those opinions into consideration and factored all of that in before you became "selfish".
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Old 05-17-2013, 02:53 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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IMHO?

You can always ASK. Making a request, or making a person aware of things is communicating what's going on with you. Nobody is a mind reader. They cannot know unless you disclose.

Expecting fulfillment JUST because you say? The other person is not allowed to say "No thank you?" without you holding it against them somehow or acting out at them? That's is not asking. That's demanding and it is fresh.

The person may not be willing, able, or interested in meeting your request. They have free will.

I think "self-full" is the balanced place in between selfish (all about me at your expense) and selfless. (all about you at my expense).

The place where I can meet both my own reasonable needs, and your reasonable needs. And vice versa. People do the things for each other because they are willing and want to, not because it comes out of their hide.

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Old 05-17-2013, 12:03 PM
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Somegeezer Somegeezer is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BoringGuy View Post
Think of it this way: you have the right to listen to your music as loud as you want, but that right ends with my right to enjoy my peace and quiet. Unfortunately, we need sound ordinances and "quiet hours" because some people can't seem to figure out that they share a planet with 7+ billion other people.

Now take all that, and apply it to your relationships: are you a loud music type? Or a quiet-hour type?

If you tell me to "just wear earplugs", the conversation is forfeited.
Noise regulations are in place for the exact reason of it not being clear.
I have the right to throw my music into your ear holes all I wish, up to certain volumes and certain times.
I'll happily use those levels and times up to the very point of allowance. =]


I think GalaGirl made the point best. Certainly better than I would have.
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Old 05-17-2013, 01:49 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Somegeezer View Post
Noise regulations are in place for the exact reason of it not being clear.
I have the right to throw my music into your ear holes all I wish, up to certain volumes and certain times.
I'll happily use those levels and times up to the very point of allowance. =]


I think GalaGirl made the point best. Certainly better than I would have.

Good thing you live over there and i live over here.

Last edited by BoringGuy; 05-17-2013 at 01:51 PM.
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Old 05-17-2013, 04:58 PM
Ssandra Ssandra is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BoringGuy View Post
Think of it this way: you have the right to listen to your music as loud as you want, but that right ends with my right to enjoy my peace and quiet. Unfortunately, we need sound ordinances and "quiet hours" because some people can't seem to figure out that they share a planet with 7+ billion other people.

Now take all that, and apply it to your relationships: are you a loud music type? Or a quiet-hour type?

If you tell me to "just wear earplugs", the conversation is forfeited.
Personally, I'd keep quiet if my music disturbs other people, except for maybe once in a little while (with previous agreement) for a party or something
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Old 05-17-2013, 05:21 PM
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pollyanna pollyanna is offline
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i think a good barometer (for me anyway) is asking myself 'how would i feel if the shoe was on the other foot?' If i'd (honestly) be ok with MY asking for a weekend away alone with one of our partners, then i'd have to be ok with them asking for it. If I would resent dh spending 6 nites out of 7 then I couldn't insist on having that myself.

I think 'do unto others'...is still a good policy.
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Old 05-17-2013, 06:57 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by pollyanna
I think 'do unto others'...is still a good policy.
I think "Golden rule" is a good back up policy if I don't know how to "platinum rule" the person yet. But I think it is better to ASK them so I can go with their platinum rule and "treat the person how THEY want to be treated" by me. That is even better than golden rule -- "treating the person how I want to be treated."

Because I could not assume they want, need or like the things I do. They are not ME. Part of the whole "get to know you" process.

I might like DH bringing me (coffee with cream and sugar.) But if I try to give him a golden rule (coffee, cream, sugar) because that is what I like? Instead if bringing him a platinum rule (sugar, black)? He will look at me really funny and not drink it. We are both better off if I get him a (sugar, black). Then we are both doing platinum rule toward each other. Treating the other one how THEY want to be treated.

Quote:
Originally Posted by sandra
So far our relationship model has been to put the needs and wants of the other person ahead of our own. This worked for us, because we both did the same thing, so it balanced out very well for us.

Adding a new person to the mix and it becomes more difficult. I realized that I'm still in the mode of putting my husbands needs and wants (and therefor hers) before my own. It is something I'll work on, because you are right, I have to set my own boundaries.
Which is why I like to operate from "Put my own oxygen mask on first, platinum rule the rest next." I can't help anyone else well if I am broken or overextending myself past my own limits. If everyone operates that way, all people are getting their wants/needs/limits met most of the time. Even me!

Quote:
Originally Posted by opalescent
What I think people mean when they say someone is selfish is that the person is not doing something they want them to do, is not meeting their needs.
Well, it is a common enough litmus move for a selfish person to call someone ELSE selfish because the word is so charged the person might rush to meet the need at their own expense to "prove" how unselfish they are. But really for the selfish person? It's a double win if they comply. They got their thing, and now they know exactly what putton to push to try to get it again next time.

Just easier to say "No. Not willing and able at this time."

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 05-17-2013 at 07:22 PM.
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