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  #1  
Old 05-13-2013, 04:17 AM
zombiecupcake zombiecupcake is offline
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Default how to approach spouse over an open marriage

Over a year ago I approach my husband about having an open marriage. He hated the idea and said it wasn't right for him and he felt like I didn't want him and he wasn't good enough.

Fast forward to now. We are stronger than ever, but I still long for an open marriage. I love my husband but I long for things he doesn't do (and admits is just not his personality) he's not a talker, he's not very emotionally available... I don't hold these against him and they aren't making me not want to be with him, but I truly want an open marriage. We have closed the chapter on us having anymore children. I'm not looking to find someone to replace him I just want to explore a new chapter in our lives.

I tried bringing it up in a vague way, saying how I had seen a show on it and what he thought. He said he thought each of us was too insecure and jealous. I told him I knew I wasn't, and he dropped the conversation there.

how do I discuss this with him without him looking at it as cheating, or even to a point where he isn't offended for me expressing that this is something I'd like for us to try... I have no idea how to just come out and say it without him feeling hurt like he's not good enough.
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  #2  
Old 05-13-2013, 07:13 AM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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You did come right out and say it, didn't you? A year ago? And he said he was hurt and felt like he's not good enough. He knows what you're saying now, too, and he still doesn't want it. Believe him. One of the things i can't stand is when people say "my partner said X. How do i know if they meant X or if they meant the opposite of X, or whether they are SURE that X is what they really mean?"


He SAID "X". Let X = X. f(x) = NO

What part of "X" do you not understand?
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  #3  
Old 05-13-2013, 07:19 AM
zombiecupcake zombiecupcake is offline
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Because it wasn't a complete no, he said how he felt but said I could be open but not tell him about it. We never discussed it much after that because I felt hiding it was more of an affair and only created trust issues. We are in a much different place now, so I feel like it's a topic I should be able to discuss with him but I'm not sure how to approach it again.
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Old 05-13-2013, 08:04 AM
kitkat88 kitkat88 is offline
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When my husband and I started our polyamous relationship it was because I fell in live with my partner now. My husband was open enough to try it out because he didn't want to lose me, not that I wanted to leave, and he thought that it would be good to try. The biggest issue we had was that my husband felt like he wasn't enough and I told him its impossible for one person to meet every need that you have. Like with your husband not being a talker n such. My other partner is transgender and I treat her like a female. The things I get from her my husband can't give to me because he is male and because its not him.

The point I am getting at you need to be completely open about this, no beating around the bush. Then you need to explain that you are happy with him and don't want to leave him but you would like someone else that does things he does not. Try to be very logical with it, so that it can be clear. Maybe even ask your husband what things he would like that you don't do. That way you can make it a full circle to show him that there are things he would benefit/enjoy from other partner.

I am unsure how you plan on doing this if it happens, but the way my husband and set it up was that my partner started off as a secondary. My husband was number #1. In reality he still is, but my gf is now a primary like my husband but my husband always comes first.

I hope that helps
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Old 05-13-2013, 08:38 AM
zombiecupcake zombiecupcake is offline
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Thank you kitkat for sharing your experience. It's very helpful.

Well, the husband and I were laying in bed and he asked me what was on my mind and to be honest. Since h asked I felt like it was a good opportunity since he seemed like he was being receptive. I told him not to take it personal and it's nothing he does wrong and I love him but I still am interested in an open marriage. This is a topic we've discussed several times (before marriage and after) so it's not a new thing I just thought of. He expressed how he felt saying he hoped it wasn't something he did wrong. It's not at all. He said he's very open to the idea, even the idea of sharing a partner. We agreed we would sit down again and discuss boundaries and what is and isn't ok. He even went as far as being ok with another guy and knowing about it as long as he's respectful and understands the whole situation.

It was an awkward conversation to have but I'm glad we did. I really thought it would go differently and I'm shocked at how open he was with it.
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  #6  
Old 05-13-2013, 09:11 AM
kitkat88 kitkat88 is offline
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That's wonderful! Definitely set boundaries and make sure whom ever you bring into this relationship understands it. My husband dated a friend of ours, how is like my sister. I left it up to him to tell her how this works, as I told my gf. My gf honestly is the one who told me about poly so her and I kinda made the guidelines and went over it with my husband. Either way, my husband wasn't always direct with his gf and it caused a lot issues. So make sure that who ever enters this relationship with you is well informed and kept in the loop.
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