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Old 05-07-2013, 10:53 AM
leelee22's Avatar
leelee22 leelee22 is offline
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Great white north
Posts: 43
Default Ex wants to talk...

So, my former BF (a man in an open relationship) whom I dumped a couple weeks ago (I was upset about my status in the thing -- he was claiming his GF was unwilling for me to be anything more than purely a sex partner to him) has gotten in touch and "wants to talk".

I said I would. (Cowering now, and peering over shoulder, expecting BoringGuy to clobber me with a couple of brutal sentences)

I am not sure really whether this means he wants to see if he can renegotiate new terms with me. I'm not convinced he has enough authority -- his GF seems to have all the power in their relationship. But between dumping him and now, I have read alot on this board (and off it), and feel like I know a little bit about how these relationships CAN work when done right. I wouldn't mind talking with him about it. He is a PhD, it's within his capacity to understand. But unfortunately I'm shy in person and won't be as articulate as I'd like to be.

Also, while I think he'd understand my vision of what a poly relationship could be, I don't think he could sell it to his GF. And if we were to try again, I think I'd need some kind of direct communication from her about what precisely she is agreeing to. Don't want to hear it secondhand from him. I maybe even would demand to actually meet the woman.

Anyway, wish me luck. Going to try to sit a couple chairs away from this guy so I can't smell his scent while trying to make my points. Won't look at his muscular cyclist calves or touch his silky curls.

Will report back about how it goes...
Leelee, all alone.
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Old 05-07-2013, 11:18 AM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Metro West Massachusetts
Posts: 5,783

Originally Posted by leelee22 View Post
...I was upset about my status ...Cowering now, and peering over shoulder... clobber me ...brutal ...

I am not sure ... I'm not convinced...unfortunately I'm shy in person and won't be as articulate as I'd like to be.

... I don't think he could sell it to his GF....

Anyway, wish me luck...
I don't think it's luck you need, sweetie.
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

Mags (poly, F, 61) loving miss pixi (poly, F, 39) since January 2009, living together since 2013
In a newish relationship with Steve, (34, poly, my Top)
"Master," (mono, 34), miss pixi's Dom for 3 years
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Old 05-07-2013, 11:37 AM
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Natja Natja is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 838

Good luck, don't allow yourself to be smooth talked and to accept less than what you need or want though, it is very hard having to negotiate your relationship depending on the whims of another person. I know it very well. It is like a Sword of Damocles hanging over the whole relationship when you know it could be renegotiated without your input and you just have to put up with it because they hold the keys as a 'primary'.

It is not a stable position to be in long term so...stick to your principles and take care of yourself first.
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Old 05-07-2013, 01:42 PM
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BigGuy BigGuy is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: East Central Illinois
Posts: 118

Good luck! Ask for what you want and stand your ground.
Me: 48 - Married, straight, male
Shiela: My wife.
Suzanne: My FWB
Adam: Shiela's LDR
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Old 05-07-2013, 03:27 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Nowhere
Posts: 1,643

I bet this guy has a really big dick and is awesome in the sack. That's probably why the OP can't say no to him. I can tell by the way she talks about his scent and his calves and his silky curls. Don't stop there, tell us ALL about him.
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Old 05-07-2013, 03:42 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: English Rose by birth; Calling the Southern Hemi home by choice.
Posts: 915

Why would you want to be with someone whose girlfriend has their balls in a choke hold? He needs to man up. I am not even being sarcastic. I mean this in the best way possible.

If he is a grown man, he should be in control of his life and his affairs. At the end of the day, he has to live for himself and not for her. He should not have to pitch an idea like he is meeting with the board of a company in order for them to manufacture and sell the product.

He must like it because he let you walk away. Maybe he likes being controlled. Whatever works and floats people's boats. If he loved you or even liked you, I doubt he would have let you walk away that easily. He needs to figure out what he wants and lay down the law with his girlfriend. You need to stand your ground and be firm. Confidence is your friend. It is okay to be shy, but when facing him, straighten up, look him the eyes, and listen to him, and lay the facts out. "I am not your sex toy. I am a human with real feelings, and I do not appreciate being treated like...."

Resist the oh so sexy muscles, the spiraly curls on his head, the scent of his cologne, the smell of his tooth paste, the aroma of his aftershave, the piercing depths of his eyes that are windows to his soul, etc. I know you did not say all of this, but I wanted to add that.

Good luck!
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