Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > General Poly Discussions

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 07-05-2009, 01:35 AM
tigrrrlily tigrrrlily is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 29
Default ouch - help

guy breaks up with me saying he's met someone else and he feels he's monogamous, as if this is self-explanatory. wasn't he supposed to not start with someone else if he was so monogamous? why do some monogamists, especially the serial kind, seem to think that breaking up won't be painful for us? how should i feel about having been used as the lubrication to move the guy from one relationship to another? what can i say to him to drive the message home? should i bother?

Last edited by tigrrrlily; 07-13-2009 at 10:59 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 07-05-2009, 07:04 AM
MonoVCPHG's Avatar
MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: In Redpepper's heart
Posts: 4,742
Default

Sorry for your pain tigrrrily,
Hopefully he didn't purposely misrepresent his nature form the bginning. It may have changed or emerged though. Change happens.

If he is monogamous then there really is nothing else to say therefore it is self explanantory. He wants one person who wants one person. That could be just the way it is.

I sincerely hope you find someone with a compatible nature.

Take care
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 07-05-2009, 02:02 PM
Quath Quath is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 504
Default

That sucks. I am sorry you are going through this.

I see two common misunderstandings of polyamory relationships. One is that if there is a break-up and the person is in another relationship, then it should not hurt because you are still in love. The other is that since polyamorists can be in more relationship at a time, that we do not devote ourselves to those relationships very much. These are bother very false, but may seem reasonable from a monogamy point of view.

My guess is that he either met someone who says she wanted monogamy and he had to break up with you. Or he felt threatened by other lovers (or potential lovers) in your life. But that is a wild guess since I don't know much about the relationship itself.

If you want to bother, just let him know that he hurt you and leave it at that. He has to deal with his consciousness in hiw own way.
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 07-05-2009, 04:15 PM
MonoVCPHG's Avatar
MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: In Redpepper's heart
Posts: 4,742
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Quath View Post
That sucks. I am sorry you are going through this.

Or he felt threatened by other lovers (or potential lovers) in your life.
Speaking from a mono point of view...that is quite possible! I highly doubt there are words or actions that can overcome this in a mono guy. He may even be willing to settle for something less than you have to offer or deny his true feelings just so he doesn't neeed to deal with the idea of you finding some one else.

Just out of curiosity, is he straight or bi-sexual? There seems to be a trend in b-isexual men being better capable to handle thier girlfriends/loves with other men.

I hope you find comfort and happiness fast
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 07-06-2009, 12:56 PM
tigrrrlily tigrrrlily is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 29
Default

thanks everyone - I probably just needed to let off steam and hear that i'm not mad for feeling hurt about this. Of course the basic fact of the matter is that someone i liked chose someone else over me and there's no getting around that that hurts, and i'm not wanting to try and convert him.

Still i wonder about how to negotiate the way monogamy, normalised as it is, is sometimes used as a way of side-stepping the real issues.

If he is monogamous then there really is nothing else to say therefore it is self explanantory. He wants one person who wants one person. That could be just the way it is.

All very well. But then one would expect him to have ended things with me before getting involved with someone else, or to have asked me if i was willing to consider monogamy and thus reached a mutual agreement about parting ways or not. (I have not been seeing anyone else during the the year we've been seeing each other, by the way, and he knews that.)

I know life is seldom so tidy but the reality of the matter is that he met someone who he likes more and who is more practical for him (we live on different continents) and he could have explained that and confronted it instead of dodging those feelings by hiding behind a word that explained very little.

Quite frankly i also think its dodgy to end a relationship from this stand-point because it produces a certain uni-lateralism - any pain he might have felt is lost in a fog of new love and any pain i feel is simply reduced to the unavoidable by-product of clearing the way for his new relationship. Anyway again the world is not tidy and i've not always understood how to be considerate to others, so i will find a way to forgive him.

But I suppose what i am looking for those few pithy words that would stand a chance of breaking down the wall that word 'monogamy' throws up so that at least we are able to deal with a concrete, specific situation. God forbid that i should ever need them again.
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 07-07-2009, 04:22 AM
Quath Quath is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 504
Default

It seems that he either was not being honest with you or himself. There is not much you can do about that except to be more prepared for the next time (which you are doing).

I have heard of other poly people deal with stuff like this. Many tend to make real surethe person really is poly before investing a lot of emotions into the relationship. In your case, you may want to find someone closer to you so it seems more practical.
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 07-28-2009, 05:18 AM
Ceoli Ceoli is offline
Banned
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: London, UK
Posts: 900
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Quath View Post
My guess is that he either met someone who says she wanted monogamy and he had to break up with you. Or he felt threatened by other lovers (or potential lovers) in your life.
Or it could just be that he's monogamous and not interested in a poly relationship after trying it. (That discovery could have been precipitated by meeting someone...goodness knows that's how I discovered poly) People might switch from one relationship style to another simply because that's what they want, not because of some flaw or threat or outside influence that they are powerless against or inherent dishonesty with themselves or anyone else. It could simply be that they tried and and after trying it decided that it wasn't what suited them.

Monogamy isn't inferior to polyamory. So if a person does move from one to the other, I'm going to give them the benefit of the doubt.

Of course, that doesn't take away the pain of a breakup. Breakups are one of those universal crappy things that all relationship styles are subject to. Boo to that. But just as people assume that poly people don't feel the pain so deeply because they have other loves, I wouldn't be quick to assume that the pain is diminished by a new love in a monogamous setting either.
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 07-28-2009, 05:24 AM
MonoVCPHG's Avatar
MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: In Redpepper's heart
Posts: 4,742
Default

Great words of insight Ceoli. I like your ability to look at things from both possible sides and the respect you give to each aproach.

This is one of those rare times I don't feel completely alone in some ways on here.
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old 07-29-2009, 03:54 AM
Ceoli Ceoli is offline
Banned
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: London, UK
Posts: 900
Default

I'm really glad to hear that, Mono!
Reply With Quote
  #10  
Old 07-28-2009, 04:21 AM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Kansas City Metro
Posts: 2,188
Default

Ouch, that sucks!

My ex decided she wasn't comfortable with poly and broke things off. Since then, she's hooked up in a mono pair and had her heart broken. He apparently (from what she's said) doesn't love her in the fashion that she loves him, yet she's still with him. That sad situation is apparently more satisfying to her than being in a poly tangle where she was loved and supported.

I don't think it really has to do with whether or not they know it'll be painful for us or not. I think they're just driven by something to mono pairings, whether or not those pairings are as safe, supportive, and loving as a poly arrangement. They developed differently than we did and can only seem to relate in that one fashion.

Doesn't make it any less painful to understand that while going through a breakup, though. It still hurts like the dickens.

Last edited by AutumnalTone; 07-28-2009 at 04:23 AM.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 05:46 PM.