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  #1  
Old 05-03-2013, 04:28 AM
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Cloudy Cloudy is offline
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Default Half Open Relationship..?

As this is my first post here, I'll tell a bit about myself, both as an introduction, and also to give some background for a question that's been plaguing me for some time.

I'm a 32 year old male, heterosexual non-traditional college student, dating a 22 year old bisexual female, who is attending the same university. We've been dating for a bit over two years now. Early in our relationship, my girlfriend came out about her bisexuality publicly for the first time, and we began discussing bringing other girls into the bedroom with us. After about a year of discussion and lightly testing the waters, we began unicorn hunting, I suppose you'd say, and have had a few FMF threesomes. After each one, we've always felt better than ever about our relationship. Being with others somehow seems to bring us closer together.

Somewhere along the way, the subject of polyamory came up. While neither of us believes there's such thing as "the one", and while we both believe one can fall in love with more than one person at a time, we still remain poly virgins, though we're both interested in giving it a try.

Here's the rub... While we're both interested in bringing other girls into our relationship, both sexually and emotionally, my girlfriend has also expressed interest in doing so with other guys--something that wasn't the case at all previously. The problem is, I'm not OK with that. I am, admittedly, currently too jealous and insecure to agree to it.

So, after much loquaciousness, my question:
Am I a total chauvinistic, selfish, controlling jerk for wanting other girls in our relationship, but not allowing my girlfriend to have other guys? Is it required or expected that an open or poly relationship be open to all? Am I just not cut out for polyamory?

I'm totally open to the possibility that I am indeed being selfish. Part of me agrees, while another part of me says that that is simply my boundary, and that just because my girlfriend gives me blessing to do something does not mean that I HAVE to reciprocate. Also, being with other girls is something my girlfriend and I can SHARE. It's a common interest. I have no such interest in men. I've consulted several friends, and while they mostly agree that I'm being a jerk, I'd like to hear from the actual poly community. Please let me know what you think. Don't sugar coat anything. I want real, honest, educated responses. Thank you for reading.

-Cloudy
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  #2  
Old 05-03-2013, 07:19 AM
CharlotteSometimes CharlotteSometimes is offline
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I don't think you're being a jerk. Normal, emotional reactions don't mean you're being a jerk.

But if I was you I think I would stop and question why I was threatened by the extra penis as opposed to the extra vagina. What is it about her dating a man that you specifically don't like the thought of?
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Old 05-03-2013, 07:43 AM
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Natja Natja is offline
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To expand on what Charlotte asked you is it because you don't see the extra vagina as a threat? That it isn't real sex? And you feel that another penis will more likely lure her away?
We have a name for this, it is called 'One Penis Policy' and a feature of male entitlement that IS sexist and it IS rooted in ownership of women, so although I too, do not think you are being a jerk, this is rooted deeper than a boundary, this is to do with your real views about women and female sexuality i.e. women are something you and your gf can 'share' (as if she is a dessert or some inanimate object) but men are 'real' people.

Do you understand why this might come across as sexist?
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  #4  
Old 05-03-2013, 10:01 AM
turtleHeart turtleHeart is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Cloudy View Post
Also, being with other girls is something my girlfriend and I can SHARE. It's a common interest. I have no such interest in men.
Have you been ok with your gf being with girls that are only interested in her, not in being shared, or is it that so far you've been ok with shared sexual experiences, not separate relationships?
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  #5  
Old 05-03-2013, 10:33 AM
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BigGuy BigGuy is offline
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1. You're being honest with your feelings, which is good.

2. Controlling others actions to manage your insecurities is generally not a good idea.

3. Jealousy is either a phobic response or it is a warning that something is wrong with the relatiinship. Only you can determine which it is. If it is phobic, then you must decide if you want fear to control your relationship. If you were afraid of flying, would you make your SO always take the bus?
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  #6  
Old 05-03-2013, 01:13 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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JEALOUSY

You answered yourself already. You do not like the sound of your GF being with other guys because

a) currently too jealous and insecure to agree to it.
b) prefer to share female lovers (because that feels good/safer?) You've shared good sexual experiences there with GF and female lovers so it's not as scary.

Could read more on jealousy. Dig into the WHY of your own jealous. And why her polydating "women" feels safer to you than "men." To help resolve your upset.

http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/im...ed_10-6-10.pdf
http://www.cat-and-dragon.com/stef/p.../jealousy.html

Could think on whether UNSHARED female lovers could upset you too. If so, maybe it isn't the gender of the person.

Could think on what makes it scary in other ways. It's fear of demotion? displacement? intrustion? Something else?

It's about competition, confidence/insecure stuff because you live with a bullying inner voice?

PREFERENCES

Quote:
Is it required or expected that an open or poly relationship be open to all? Am I just not cut out for polyamory?
Even if jealousy and insecure is resolved and you are totally solid and secure in yourself?

No. It is not a "requirement" that if you are in an open or poly relationship with your GF that you "just be" agreeable to her being with all people and YOU concurrently. She can have her preferences. But so can you.

You have in internal list of "Messy people" I am sure. I'm also pretty sure people like your boss or your parents are near the top of the list! And you would NOT be eager to participate in a polyship arrangement with her and those people and you concurrently.

She can always date who she wants to. You do not control her. But she cannot date X and you concurrently without YOUR goodwill and willingness to participate and have is result in a harmonious polyship.

Because you control you and what you wish to be a participant in or not. You can always say "No, thank you. Not like this. I do not want to participate in that. Sounds too messy for me."

Your preferences for your romances (for whatever reason) are your preferences. If you were into monogamous arrangements and offering her a monoship with you, she could sign up to participate or decline to participate.

If your preferences for an open model presents her with an offer she digs, she digs it. If your offer is not something she's into, she can decline.

So just spit it out.

"My preferences at this time are _________. It could become _______ in time but no guarantee. That's the offer on the table. What's your preferences?"

See if you are still compatible and still wanting the same things at this time or not. Even in the same person, what they might want from polyship could change over time. What you want as college students may not be what you want after grad for instance.

SUGGESTION

How about telling GF you are willing to talk about it and sort it out (assuming you really are) but NOT willing to just jump in with her polydating men until you sort out what your jealous/insecure is pinging from inside you and what support/nurture you may need from her in that process.

Could she be willing to consider postponing dating while helping you sort out what it is you need from yourself and from her, all that, or is she not willing? This article while written from the POV of going "monogamous ---> Open" delineates steps to a possible approach. Just as easily could be you guys going from "open with women ---> open with both men and women."

Everyone could state where their willingness lies at this time and sort what they are willing to do/not do. Then sort it out between you.

GL!
Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 05-03-2013 at 01:27 PM.
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  #7  
Old 05-11-2013, 05:56 PM
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Marcus Marcus is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BigGuy View Post
2. Controlling others actions to manage your insecurities is generally not a good idea.

3. Jealousy is either a phobic response or it is a warning that something is wrong with the relatiinship. Only you can determine which it is. If it is phobic, then you must decide if you want fear to control your relationship. If you were afraid of flying, would you make your SO always take the bus?
BigGuy, I read through this whole host of responses to the issue at hand (well, I did skip past a couple of posts) and this very brief synopsis addressed the situation perfectly.

The idea that people should restrict their behavior or take actions in service to someones insecurity is just instating a terrible rule instead of addressing the actual problem. Our partners should not have to bear the cost of our shortcomings.
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  #8  
Old 05-11-2013, 11:34 PM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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Dirtclustit I would be happy to respond to your questions if you could get to the point instead of wandering all over the map so to speak.

The over wording of your posts is not having the effect/impression you are hoping to make. It makes you come across like a homeless person on a street worner shouting nonsense.
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  #9  
Old 05-13-2013, 12:17 AM
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Well, after reading so many posts, books, and articles over the last couple weeks that my head hurts and my eyes are bugging out, I've decided to take a step back from the poly table. My GF and I still hope this is something we can revisit at a later time, but too many things I read, especially in some of the linked articles in this thread, resonated with me, and in a bad way. It seems that poly is and is not many things I thought it wasn't and is, if that makes sense. I still maintain that the message could have been conveyed in a less sarcastic and condescending manner, but I still appreciate those who took the time to read and chime in.

I just have one parting question:
In most monogamous relationships, rules and jealousy are the norm, in a way. That is, there is usually a mindset that, if one person cheats, it will cause intense jealousy in the other person, and will probably cause the end of the relationship. There is, therefore, a spoken or unspoken rule to remain faithful. However, I get the impression, from most of the responses in this thread, that rules and jealousy are always bad things. How do you reconcile this view with monogamy? Do monogamists "have it wrong"?

But for now, I'm going to go do some serious thinking and soul searching. Till next time....
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  #10  
Old 05-03-2013, 01:34 PM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Cloudy View Post
After each one, we've always felt better than ever about our relationship.
How do the women in question feel afterward?
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