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  #1  
Old 01-01-2011, 07:57 PM
Olderwoman Olderwoman is offline
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Default Polyamory and/vs. Marriage

Some thoughts on Polomory from a single older woman.


The last time a man asked me to marry him, I asked him if would just sign over half of his property to me instead. He didn't really understand what I was talking about.

I just want to illustrate that marriage is about money and property, security, commitment etc.

In my opinion, marriage is about monogamy. One man, one woman. I don't want to rain on anyone's parade, but since group marriage is not legal, I think a poly-amorous relationship should be equal and each individual should seek self empowerment in their own right.

One solution is that no one should be married.

If a married couple at some point agrees to a polyamory lifestyle or "open relationship" then they should both be in agreement. If they are married and own property together, they should get a legal divorce and divide the wealth and property equally or fairly. That is, if they are really serious about a new polyamory commitment.

They should make it a goal to be independent or on equal ground with equal power. Either partner should be free to seek self expression and love unhampered by rules that only apply one and not the other.

If one person is emotionally and financially dependent on the other, they will cling to the other person and they will live in fear of losing what they have and everything that goes with it.

If you remain married to each other and add a new partner who moves in and makes a commitment, what kind of problems can arise from that? The wife may think the new woman is trying to take her place, or the new woman may feel like she is just a sex object to be tossed away when the couple is tired of her.

Also, what if the wife or new woman decide to look for love with someone new? Will the man be comfortable with this? If not, then isn't he is just a man who wants two women all to himself?
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  #2  
Old 01-01-2011, 08:02 PM
Olderwoman Olderwoman is offline
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Originally Posted by Andy4700 View Post
Hey everyone. I am seeking some input this morning.

For those of you that don't know me, I am 26, married and seeking a woman for a V type situation. Its been hard as heck even meeting anyone.

I have had a couple slight possibilities derailed when the nature of my relationship with my wife has come up.

I've "advertised" as simply being in a happy, committed relationship, but since poly is built on honesty, I have always been truthful when asked more about my situation.

This at least twice has collapsed everything. :/ Its got me kinda bummed today as I was chatting with someone yesterday and we were seeming like we had great potential, until she found out I wasn't just "in love and living with another woman", but were married. She said shes not sure if she'd be okay with that.

Have some of you other married poly people had this happen? How do you handle it? Its hurting my wife because she feels like she is the one wrecking everything, when she's been incredibly supportive and would like to see something progress. She suggested we just hide the fact that we are married, but I just don't like to lie. But honestly, why is it such a big issue?

One thing to note here is that in both cases where I am sure its the reason nothing more happened, the girls were my age and never married. I get the impression maybe to them marriage is something different then it actually turns out to be. Like after you walk down the aisle, life becomes like a fairytale.

I have a feeling a woman in an open marriage would be more understanding, but I haven't met any yet.

If anyone has any input, i'd love to hear it.

-Andy
If a "marriage" is really "open" then what is the purpose of the marriage other than financial benefits? Marriage for a woman is not all that beneficial unless she marries a man who has more wealth than her.

Instead of a marriage, get a divorce and form a corporation of three. After all, marriage is just a contract with the state.

If a couple is serious about adding a third partner, man or woman, they should divorce and form a corporation. Just an idea. A corporation can serve as a group marriage.
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Old 01-01-2011, 08:16 PM
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MindfulAgony MindfulAgony is offline
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Originally Posted by Olderwoman View Post
If a "marriage" is really "open" then what is the purpose of the marriage other than financial benefits? Marriage for a woman is not all that beneficial unless she marries a man who has more wealth than her.

Instead of a marriage, get a divorce and form a corporation of three. After all, marriage is just a contract with the state.

If a couple is serious about adding a third partner, man or woman, they should divorce and form a corporation. Just an idea. A corporation can serve as a group marriage.

LOL. And, the US Supreme Court has given corporations individual rights (at least, free speech rights)... House being a jointly owned asset of the corp... Hmmmm.... Not as whacky as it sounds upon frist hearing.

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Old 01-01-2011, 08:32 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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Originally Posted by Olderwoman View Post
If a "marriage" is really "open" then what is the purpose of the marriage other than financial benefits? Marriage for a woman is not all that beneficial unless she marries a man who has more wealth than her.
I don't happen to agree. However, I don't necessarily think it is necessary to involve the state in a marriage.

Quote:
Instead of a marriage, get a divorce and form a corporation of three. After all, marriage is just a contract with the state.

If a couple is serious about adding a third partner, man or woman, they should divorce and form a corporation. Just an idea. A corporation can serve as a group marriage.
I don't think this really applies to the OP current issue. This might be an option if a V or Triad is well established and the group wants to make a legal bonding.

@Andy, I do think age has alot to do with some of the issues you are running into. Most (not all) 20 something single females are still under the impression that marriage is the ultimate, be all, end all statement of love. Isn't that what the mono culture, the movies and romance books tell us? The only suggestion I have, is to actually open this same discussion up with those having the issue, they may be able to give you a clearer answer. I can only assume that when they see married it means there is no hope for them to "win".
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Old 01-01-2011, 11:27 PM
Olderwoman Olderwoman is offline
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I said:

>>>If a "marriage" is really "open" then what is the purpose of the marriage other than financial benefits? Marriage for a woman is not all that beneficial unless she marries a man who has more wealth than her.<<<<



Quote:
Originally Posted by SNeacail View Post
I don't happen to agree. However, I don't necessarily think it is necessary to involve the state in a marriage.
If you get married LEGALLY you have involved THE STATE. ("THE STATE" in all caps represents THE GOVERNMENT in general.

You can't get legally married without involving THE STATE. (You can have a commitment ceremony but it will not be bound by the particular laws of the state you are living in.

Of course legally, depending on the state you live in, marriage by common law will have its own set of laws if one party files for common law divorce.

In Colorado, you only have to prove that you set up housekeeping with a person to use the common law legal system.
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Old 01-01-2011, 11:30 PM
marksbabygirl marksbabygirl is offline
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Originally Posted by Olderwoman View Post
I said:

>>>If a "marriage" is really "open" then what is the purpose of the marriage other than financial benefits? Marriage for a woman is not all that beneficial unless she marries a man who has more wealth than her.<<<<
I call bullshit.

There are a LOT of benefits to marriage that have nothing to do with finances.

I am not going to take the time to spell it out for you - because your views on marriage are very clear. But needless to say - if I had known 11 years ago what I'd be in for now - I'd have still married him And financially? Nope - I am the primary financial support in our household...
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Old 01-02-2011, 12:07 AM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Originally Posted by marksbabygirl View Post
I call bullshit.

There are a LOT of benefits to marriage that have nothing to do with finances.

I am not going to take the time to spell it out for you - because your views on marriage are very clear. But needless to say - if I had known 11 years ago what I'd be in for now - I'd have still married him And financially? Nope - I am the primary financial support in our household...
Me too; we have specific personal reasons why we got married, and they have nothing to do with love OR finances. Basically, I need someone whom I trust to be my next-of-kin and to be able to speak on my behalf and be recognized legally in a variety of situations... there are some other details that exist which i choose not to disclose at this level on the forums... Let's just say that our marriage very much IS a contract with society and the government, but I wouldn't be able to get what i need from just ANYBODY.

Last edited by NeonKaos; 01-02-2011 at 12:10 AM.
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Old 01-02-2011, 12:41 AM
Olderwoman Olderwoman is offline
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Originally Posted by marksbabygirl View Post
I call bullshit.

There are a LOT of benefits to marriage that have nothing to do with finances.

I am not going to take the time to spell it out for you - because your views on marriage are very clear. But needless to say - if I had known 11 years ago what I'd be in for now - I'd have still married him And financially? Nope - I am the primary financial support in our household...

I don't think my views on marriage are important or relevant. (I admit I am anti-marriage.)

What is not clear to me is how polyamory and marriage are compatible. That is, if polyamory is about long term "love" relationships -- and not just a term for a couple deciding to have multiple sexual partners outside of their marriage.
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Old 01-01-2011, 08:03 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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it sounds like you're limiting the scope of your scenario to a situation where a married couple wants another woman for a triad or a vee, and dismissing other forms of poly where marriage might form a more egalitarian component in the relationship, such as a quad or a vee where the "extra-marital" partner(s) are also married.

This is where I find it appropriate to invoke the platitude, "My poly is not your poly".
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Old 01-01-2011, 08:07 PM
Olderwoman Olderwoman is offline
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I'm not limiting it but I was kind of responding to questions posed in another thread about that kind of poly.

I think the ideal poly is that nobody is married to anyone else. But then I may just be a person who is anti-marriage.
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