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  #1  
Old 01-01-2011, 07:30 PM
mark mark is offline
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Default Should I or should I not?

Hi,

I am so glad to have found this forum, because I have some serious questions, that have been plaguing me in regards to a new relationship, that may or may not happen. I wish to apologize in advance when I come across as ignorant or unintelligent, because I freely admit I am ignorant of this situation, having never experienced anything like it before.

I am 30 years old, and in my life I have only been in monogamous relationships. Whenever I have been in love with someone, and they with me, I always knew that it was just with me.

Recently, in the last few weeks, I have met a fantastic girl. She is amazing, pretty, funny and intelligent. She is 25. We have so much in common, that I would mark her as perfect.

The only issue *I* have(And I emphasize that this is an issue I have based on my past experiences, and don't want to come across as disrespectful) is that she has told me that she is poly, and has been with another guy, who lives about 300 miles away, for about 3 years.

I have no range of experience for this, which is why I am here. I believe the crux of this is that I would really want a relationship with this girl, but I don't know if I could get past there being a third person. She has explained to me how she is capable of loving, truly, more than one person.

I do want to give it a go, but last night as I was holding her in bed, she gave me a look that I could see was she is falling for me, and I was so happy. But, then my joy turned to sadness, because I know that that look is not just for me.

I don't know if I can do it. And I would rather break it off now before we both get hurt.

Or should I risk it and try it?

Thanks in advance
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  #2  
Old 01-01-2011, 07:39 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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as long as it's ok with the other guy, i think it's worth a try. It's not ok if he thinks he's the only one, or if she's just using him as a back-up until she finds someone local. if you think she's being honest with herself and yourself and the other guy, then you should pursue it if you really think you care for this woman.
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  #3  
Old 01-01-2011, 07:50 PM
mark mark is offline
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He does know about it, and is fine with it. They have been in this situation for 3 years, so it's normal for them, which is fine.

The problem in this is me, and I suppose even my culture (I've moved here from Ireland, and honestly never been exposed to this at home)

I am wondering if I can get over the fact that for instance, when she gives me that look, that it's not just for me.

The other thing is, I don't want her to break up with the other guy, as I don't want him to be hurt. And I don't want to change her, because that'snot my game!

So you can see I am deep in a paradox!
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  #4  
Old 01-01-2011, 07:56 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Then don't pursue it.

Strangers on the internet can't make the decision for you. You asked what we think you should do, and if it's not the answer you were looking for, then go with your own gut feeling.
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  #5  
Old 01-01-2011, 08:07 PM
mark mark is offline
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Thanks for that. It may be the best decision to not pursue it, because if at this stage, I have these doubts, would they ever change.

Again, thank you for your opinions.
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  #6  
Old 01-01-2011, 08:15 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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i don't think anyone here would advise people to "be polyamorous" against their own nature. polyamory is not a club that recruits members, nor is it some trendy fad that makes you "one of the cool kids". Speaking for myself, things would be a lot simpler if I were totally monogamous and heterosexual (actually, things ARE pretty simple because I'm NOT totally monogamous and heterosexual and I accept that)... Nothing good can come from pretending to be something you are not.
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  #7  
Old 01-02-2011, 03:23 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Hey Mark,

I guess there will always be this mono/poly debate and some will say they are 'wired' one way or the other etc. And maybe there's some reality to that - I honestly don't know. We have no means of pulling society and convention out of the equation to run that test.

But no matter..........

No matter what you believe I'm one who advocates 'learning'. I think everyone should have exposure and facts available to them when making important decisions in matters as important as love & relationships.

There are pros & cons to both models and one or the other is not the best fit for everyone. But I suggest you learn about both and not just accept what you have seen and been spoon fed from birth. Facts are powerful weapons against illusion.

Be in control of your own happiness.

GS
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