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Old 12-30-2010, 10:35 PM
FlashyAshley FlashyAshley is offline
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Default Is there a name for this arrangement?

Hi, I am new to this whole thing, and the arrangement that my hubby and I have come to does not seem to fit in the bounds of polyamory. I'm curious if it is common, and if there is a name for it.

I have a much higher sex drive than hubby. He is ok with maybe twice a year. Me, more like twice a day if I could get it, lol. After 11 years of marriage spent ignoring my own needs, I told him I wanted a divorce. I did not want to have an affair, but I did not want to be near-celibate at age 33 either. We separated very briefly, and ended up getting back together. The rest of the marriage is great, except this one issue, and I could not see starting over with everything I have invested in my marriage.

Soon after reconciling, we had a long, serious talk about sex, needs and being fulfilled. I mentioned a couple I know who have an arrangement. The woman has the higher drive in that couple as well. She is allowed to go and be with other men, with certain ground rules (protection, no one they know as a couple, discrete, etc.). But the kicker is that the husband does not want to know about it. Not at all. No permission, no details, nothing. It is more like, "honey, I'm going shopping" and she goes and meets her boyfriend. They have a very strict don't ask, don't tell policy on it. Hubby was agreeable to this and maintains that "what I don't know won't hurt me". Of course, deep down he knows that I am having sex with other men, but I guess since it is not shoved in his face he just chooses not to think about it. He assurred me that it is not an issue for him as long as he doesn't find out any details.

Is this common? Is there a name for it? Anyone forsee any pitfalls with this relationship? Thanks!
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Old 12-30-2010, 10:43 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Location: new england
Posts: 3,223

The name for what you described is "open relationship with DADT".
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Old 12-31-2010, 12:18 AM
BFTrick BFTrick is offline
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Posts: 27

I have had similar agreements with previous girlfriends. I don't need that much sex and I have no problem letting them get their needs fulfilled elsewhere.

Although in my case I wanted to know the details and none of the girls ever took my offer.

It sounds good, let me know how it works.
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Old 12-31-2010, 12:39 AM
FlashyAshley FlashyAshley is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2010
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Yay, there is a name for it, lol. I figured it was not an unheard of relationship. We are new to this so still learning. So far it has been easy to manage "dates" because hubby has been out of town, but will be back this weekend. We will see how it goes when I am coming up with excuses to be away (hopefully not lame ones). Obviously the marriage is priority so I am not going to be "away" every night or anything crazy, but right now I am still meeting and getting to know a couple potential guys (and one girl, lol), so this stage is a little more time consuming.

I appreciate the input and will be glad to keep y'all posted
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Old 12-31-2010, 09:33 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Location: Canada
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Some people struggle with DADT eventually as sometimes love happens and change comes with it. I know I have changed immensely since being with Mono. There is no hiding it. I am a different women, yet the same... this happens with most loves I think. As long as your man is ready for that possibility then I would think you are good to go.

The other thing that seems to happen sometimes is that the connection is lost between a couple that has a DADT. If you can find a way that keeps you connected then you should be good. It sounds like sex isn't it, but maybe there is something else? Otherwise it can become really hard to have the desire to stay and not leave for a lover who can offer everything in your marriage and sex.
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Old 12-31-2010, 01:47 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Location: Metro West Massachusetts
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Good for you for getting your needs met! Some people say sex isn't a need the way water, food, and shelter is, but I think, for people with strong sex drives, it is. If we go without for too long, we can get frustrated, stressed-out, bitter and short tempered. I hope your marriage benefits from this new arrangement. Good luck with dating, it's a jungle out there.
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

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Old 01-02-2011, 03:47 PM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
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Location: Kansas City Metro
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Originally Posted by Dugout View Post
The name you are looking for is Open Marriage. Been there done that. It takes a lot of doing. You might look at ... and go right to Wife Stories. It's enlightening about poly relationships.
If it's a site dedicated to open relationships, then there's unlikely to be much about poly relationships. Open /= poly. There are many poly folk who don't have open relationships (though there are many who do).

Also, you've one post and it's promoting a non-poly web site. I'm going to remove the post from view until I can confirm that you're here to participate and not here to market the site.
When speaking of various forms of non-monogamy...it ain't poly if you're just fucking around.

While polyamory, open relationships, and swinging are all distinctly different approaches to non-monogamy, they are not mutually exlusive. Folks can, and some do, engage in more than one of them at a time--and it's all good.
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