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  #1  
Old 12-29-2010, 07:44 PM
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Mohegan Mohegan is offline
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Default Adoption/biological

So Karma and I have been havign some pretty interesting talks lately. And I think our stance of never having kids may change. I have always wanted to be a mother, even though it scares the hell out of me. I had pretty much resigned myself to the fact that I never would be because Karma was so against it.

So now that it is something we are talking about, and may be considering (still not a yeah lets start trying now), I am questioning my health. I have a lot of things that will make pregnancy very hard on me. Fibromyalgia and my bad back being top on the list. Add in a history of cervical cancer, endometriosis plus all my mental stuff (OCD, depression, anxiety) I'm gonna have a hard pregnancy.

I've always thought about adoption. There is so much I could risk my child inheriting from either of us, I think I almost owe it to that child to not bring it into this life, when there are so many out there who are here and have no one to love and care for them.

But I've always wanted to experience pregnancy and carrying a child.

So what are your thoughts on having a biological child vs adopting?
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Old 12-29-2010, 07:59 PM
marksbabygirl marksbabygirl is offline
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I've birthed 4 kids.

I want more - we are in 'discussions' about adopting another one or two.

At this point in my life - I don't want/need to experience the baby stage, necessarily - I'd be happy adopting a 3-7 year old.

I have always wanted my own kids - but as I've matured - I realize that now I just want to raise more kids.
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Old 12-29-2010, 08:01 PM
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For me, I think I'd prefer adoption. Like you say, there are already enough people out there who don't actually have family and the world is becoming overpopulated as it is anyway. But then there's always the fact that it isn't really your child that would be stuck in the back of my head. There's something about creating my own that I just love the idea of.
In the end, it's going to be up to you and Karma.
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Old 12-29-2010, 08:08 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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if you're doing it for unselfish reasons, adopt.

If you're doing it for selfish reasons, get pregnant.
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Old 12-29-2010, 08:07 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Considering your challenges resemble my wifes in a lot of ways. Almost to a tee.

I would love to adopt, and not put her through the potential problems. But she is adamant she wants to give birth. We are speaking with doctors and getting the ball rolling on ways to make it work with minimal impact.

I have told her I want to adopt one kid at some point. With my background and seeing how horrible the system is, as well as watching adopted kids get brought to homes and then moved around. Who knows if it will happen, but I am interested.
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Old 12-29-2010, 08:26 PM
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FlameKat FlameKat is offline
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Default My two cents

I feel for you...

I have my three already, and would love to one day be a foster parent (all my kids friends tend to refer to me as their second mum at one point it was a running joke that I was the neighbourhood's mum), I would also have more bioligical children although it would likely cripple me.

For myself I would risk more than just crippling tbh... I have the sorry history of 4 terminations (1 a midterm) and 3 pregnancies to term. Along with significant abuse, damage to my spinal column and sciatica. Problems I faced during my pregnancy along with chronic fatigue, worsening of the sciatica, joints loosening and stretching to the point of sheer pain, low blood pressure leading to fainting, morning sickness throughout one of those pregnancies, and then haemorraging with a footleg breech. The footleg breech nearly killed me... quite literally. I did recover to have a successful term pregnancy following that (delivered naturally).

Not saying to scare you... just making clear unexpected complications are a huge factor that need to be taken into account in a situation like yours.

Having said that... while pregnancy can be a wonderful thing (I did experience one beautiful pregnancy out of the three ) it can also be extremely hard on the body, especially given the concerns you have mentioned. There are also many other complications that can be added to your medical concerns as a side effect of the pregnancy...

Have you seriously discussed the possibillity of a successful pregnancy with your doctor?

If your doctor is positive about the idea, and you have the absolute best support around you (you WILL need it) then by all means seriously consider it, there is nothing (to me) that compares to the feeling of having a little life growing inside you (instances of feeling like a parasite's host aside ) and there is NOTHING that compares to the moment of birth.

If your doctor is not keen on you taking the risk I would listen, and consider a surrogate (if biological children are really important to you and Karma) or adoption... it is possible to adopt a newborn (though I believe the waiting list is quite long and there can be severe disappointments if the birth mother changes her mind). I would also suggest you consider fostering... it can be heartbreaking when they return to their parents, but you will have made a positive change to a child's life, and shared your love with those who really need it.

Personally... I think I would opt for fostering, while in the queue to adopt...
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Old 12-29-2010, 08:42 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by FlameKat View Post
<snip>

If your doctor is positive about the idea, and you have the absolute best support around you (you WILL need it) then by all means seriously consider it, there is nothing (to me) that compares to the feeling of having a little life growing inside you (instances of feeling like a parasite's host aside ) and there is NOTHING that compares to the moment of birth.

If your doctor is not keen on you taking the risk I would listen, and consider a surrogate (if biological children are really important to you and Karma) or adoption... it is possible to adopt a newborn (though I believe the waiting list is quite long and there can be severe disappointments if the birth mother changes her mind). I would also suggest you consider fostering... it can be heartbreaking when they return to their parents, but you will have made a positive change to a child's life, and shared your love with those who really need it.

Personally... I think I would opt for fostering, while in the queue to adopt...
I actually like the idea of a surrogate too. But that's not really in a man's power.
I think if my partner/s were ok with that, I'd love to take that road though. It's almost like adopting your own children.
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  #8  
Old 12-29-2010, 08:48 PM
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Mohegan Mohegan is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by FlameKat View Post

Not saying to scare you... just making clear unexpected complications are a huge factor that need to be taken into account in a situation like yours.

Have you seriously discussed the possibillity of a successful pregnancy with your doctor?

If your doctor is positive about the idea, and you have the absolute best support around you (you WILL need it) then by all means seriously consider it, there is nothing (to me) that compares to the feeling of having a little life growing inside you (instances of feeling like a parasite's host aside ) and there is NOTHING that compares to the moment of birth.


Personally... I think I would opt for fostering, while in the queue to adopt...
Thanks for the honesty. I didn't take any of it as a scare tatic, but honesty it was what I was looking for. I know very well the complications that could arise. I come from a very medical family, as well as seeing mutiple specialists. The risks involved are a huge reason why I am thinking this over so thoroughly.

My Drs are actualy all for it. I've been told none of my scar tissue should get in the way of getting pregnant. I may have issues carrying because of the cancer and the multiple laposcropies for the endo, but they won't know for sure until I am actualy pregnant. I have been told I will most likely be on bedrest for the majority.

I think part of my indecision comes from wondering what our child would be like, what our DNA would create. I see the miracle that is my niece, what my brother and his wife created. I want the same for Karma and I.

I have had several friends offer to surrogate for us. I'm still undecided on that. That's a lot to ask someone, even if they are the ones who offered. Plus I'm a control freak and that's taking giving up control to a whole new level.

Which brings my brain back around to adoption. I'll be healthy and not recovering, so I can be involved in their life right away, I'm giving a child a home and love that they weren't born into, I can continue taking my meds and there is no health risk. But will my sometimes materialistic and very appearance based family accept our adopted child? My brother will no doubt, but I wonder about my parents. Can Karma and I handle knowing that child, whom we'll love ( I have no doubt), won't have our DNA? Wouldn't that be a good thing anyway with all they could inherit?

And this is why I posed the question. My brain keeps going in connecting circles. I know it is our decision, I would never allow someone to decide this for me. But hearing others opinions or experiences has always helped me make tough decisions.

And for all I know, Karma may change his mind again and this could all be for nothing.
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  #9  
Old 12-29-2010, 09:28 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Captain Obvious told me to remind you:

you can change your mind as many times as you want before you have them, but you can't change your mind after you have them.
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  #10  
Old 12-29-2010, 09:39 PM
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Mohegan Mohegan is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NeonKaos View Post
Captain Obvious told me to remind you:

you can change your mind as many times as you want before you have them, but you can't change your mind after you have them.
That would be why we are in the discussion phase and not the trying phase. Thought that was kind of obvious.
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