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Old 12-28-2010, 03:17 AM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Default the story of a secondary

Hi all,

I've been thinking a lot lately about my poly situation and I thought I'd share here and see what parts of my story others can relate to.

I'm a bisexual woman in my mid-20's. I'd been in some poly situations earlier in my life, but nothing longer-term until Gia, my current girlfriend. Gia and her husband, Eric, invited me into their bed a little more than a year and a half ago. Hot threesome action! At first it was just fun, but then Gia and I began going out for coffee together, seeing shows, and soon enough we decided that we were dating.

Eric was perfectly fine with this, and wasn't looking for anything deeper himself. So we ended up in a vee with Gia as the hinge. I've always sort of had an FMF triad as my romantic/sexual ideal so, if anythig, I was a little disappointed that Eric didn't want a relationship, but that was his decision. And hey, we still all rolled around in bed together.

For a while I thought maybe I had made a mistake agreeing to date Gia. I didn't have a lot of time (job, hobbies, other casual partners) and I wasn't sure if I had it in my heart to give real love to her (a few years back I was in a long-term mono relationship that ended in a LOT of tears and I've never quite been the same emotionally since). But over time I found myself getting more and more deeply enamored of her, and wanting to spend more and more time with her. And with Eric for that matter! My feelings for Gia were developing more swiftly because we were actively working on that sort of bond, but I grew to care more for her husband as well.

Eventually I came to a bit of an internal crisis in terms of my feelings about Eric and asked him to tell me about his feelings/desires. He was very clear -- he was happy with our friendship and NOT looking for a relationship. I accepted this, of course, and let it be. I didn't say anything about my feelings for him to either of them, and they didn't ask. Gia and I, meanwhile, had popped the L-word with each other and were having regular dates.

Now... Gia is pregnant!!! I'm so, so, SO happy for both of them. They've wanted this for a while and they're going to do such a good job as parents. Gia sees me as being an Aunt figure to the child-on-the-way and I'm comfortable with that. I'm terribly excited to go through this process with her, and with both of them, and to meet their new child. We haven't been sexual together since she became pregnant, which has been rough, but I can hardly hold it against her, what with fatigue and morning sickness and all that. I'm pleased to report that we HAVE been continuing to spend time together, which is something I had been worried about.

The things that have been on my mind the most lately...

- I've come to terms with the fact that, as much as I love Gia, I really do feel love for Eric too. It's gotten to the point that I feel awkward about it, like my natural reactions to him are something I need to hide. I finally told Gia about my feelings for Eric and am planning to tell him too when the right moment comes. Gia says she thinks it will be just fine, which is a big relief. I'm not going to ask anything of him relationship-wise, I don't need him to say he cares for me back... I just want to be able to acknowledge my feelings and maybe relax about it a little. Is it selfish of me, I wonder, to need to let him know that, when he's made it clear that he doesn't want a deeper relationship? Is it messed up that, deep down, there's still a part of me that hopes that some day a triad will develop out of what is now a vee with a solid friendship and sexual chemistry between the two "wings"?

- Because of how strongly I feel about both of them, I'm pretty positive that I'm going to fall massively in love with their baby. It's scary, because I'm going to be emotionally vulnerable on so many fronts... when it comes to her, when it comes to him, when it comes to the child which is in no way my child and yet is the progeny of my two lovers. It seems almost impossible that there hasn't been any kind of serious drama yet. It seems impossible that I'm not going to get my heart broken in some way. And yet I'm so exhilerated by the whole situation and by the feelings it's awoken in me.

- Time has always been a problem for Gia and me, and for Gia and Eric as well. There's never enough of it! And when the new baby comes, of course that problem is just going to get a million times worse. I know that nothing can be the same, and I plan to support them as much as I can. They have lots of other good friends as well, so they'll never be without babysitters. I can see my relationship with Gia basically falling apart during this time or... maybe naively?... I can actually see it getting stronger because I'll be helping her through so many intense things.

I haven't focused on it here, but just to give you the context, in addition to my secondary relationship with Gia I have another good strong secondary relationship with a male friend and a few casual sexual partners. No primary partner at present, which is why I gave the thread this title.

So, is any of your life reflected in here? Any thoughts, questions, comments, advice?

Yours,
Annabel
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Old 12-28-2010, 05:03 AM
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SourGirl SourGirl is offline
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Nope nothing similiar at all.
BUT,..wanted to say I really find it great, that you have thought so much about their upcoming parenthood. That is really great. This is the second, selfless story I have read on here regarding parenting/pregnancy in one day, and I get all warm and fuzzy seeing such good natured thought processes.

Congrats soon-to-be-auntie.

Let us know how it goes with Eric. He might be preoccupied with the pregnancy and baby for a long while yet. Hopefully the knowledge doesn`t overly stress him.
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Old 12-28-2010, 05:49 AM
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Hi, I know you weren't asking for advice, but I just want to say that I don't think you need to get too hung up on THE BIG MOMENT WHEN YOU TELL ERIC YOU LOVE HIM. It doesn't have to be some huge, overwhelming thing. The fact of the matter is you simply love both him and her. So, you can say it simply without apprehension, just like you would tell a friend you love them. I know it seems so much bigger than that, but love is love, and if you don't lay it at his feet as if it's some earth-shattering revelation that he must have some dramatic response to, and just express it when it feels natural to do so, I'm sure it will be well-received. For example, you might find yourself feeling tender toward both of them at some particular moment and be spontaneously moved to say, "I love you both." And then let it be, without expectation of what he will say back or any need to explain yourself. It's not about the words, anyway.

But I am really happy for you. Sound like the relationships are in good shape.
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"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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Old 12-29-2010, 03:55 AM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Thanks for the advice nycindie, I really appreciate it. And you're definitely right that treating it like a Big Freaking Deal is probably the wrong way to go. I'm torn on whether going the nonchalant route is a good idea or not though -- I think he's going to have some concerns, and I want to reassure him. It seems like it would be easiest to do that by having a direct conversation. Just maybe even catching him on google chat and saying something like "Hey, there's something I've been wanting to tell you. I want to say first that I'm really satisfied with our situation and don't need anything to change and don't expect anything from you. But I do want you to know that I love you. I've just been wanting to say it for a while. "

But I don't know, maybe you've got a point! You've certainly given me food for thought.
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Old 12-29-2010, 07:42 AM
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Hi Annabel,

I believe you should tell him exactly what you think you should tell him but don't over think it. You already received Gia's assertion that he would be fine with you telling him how you feel, so just go for it. There can never be too much love! And in this situation, especially...this new babe is going to be SO loved. Wonderful! <3. Yay for love!! I may be looking at it very simply, but to me, that is how it all boils down.
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Old 12-29-2010, 05:59 PM
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When I suggested that you simply and directly express your feelings without imbuing the message with BIG HEAVY MEANING (beyond the wonderful content of your words), I didn't necessarily mean to say you should be nonchalant about it, exactly. I just meant not to overthink and worry about the moment you tell him or his response. Just say what you feel when you feel it and it will be allright.
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The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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Old 12-05-2011, 04:09 AM
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What a long couple of days... G&E&B and I spent all weekend together, visiting some out of town friends who were having a party. On the road, Gia navigated, Eric drove, and I hung out in the back and kept the baby entertained which worked out very well. We stayed overnight at the party and the whole thing was lovely, lots of chill, pleasant time with our friends.

Gia and I spent a half an hour or so lying in the dimly lit guest bedroom on our own with Bee asleep between us, just talking, which was especially nice. I would have loved to have slept with them but there wasn't room and, knowing that would certainly be the case, I had brought an inflatable mattress anyway. I really miss sleeping with them. Gia speculated about maybe some day replacing their queen sized bed at home with a king.

As we were getting ready to leave in the late afternoon the next day, Eric got a call -- his cousin, who's been in the hospital, had taken a turn for the worse. We rushed there, and I helped juggle the car and the baby as we figured out what was going on. Thank god, he'd stabilized and is ok for the time being

Standing there with the three of them in the hallway outside Eric's cousin's ward as the sick boy's mother, Eric's aunt (I'm not sure if she recognized me from Gia's baby shower), filled us in; fetching the poor woman a snack (she hadn't eaten since the morning) and making sure to get a couple of extra things as well because even though G&E had said they were fine I knew they'd need something by the time we were leaving; finding things to chat about as we waited for them to be able to go in; waiting with Bee in the lobby while they visited his bedside...

I feel awful even saying this. I am so sad and sorry that this is happening. But I can't help it -- there's a part of me that thought "This is what family does, shares good and bad times equally, gives and accepts help in a crisis without hesitation. Maybe this will help make that which is already clear to me clearer to them as well, that family is what we are."
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Me, 30ish bi female, been doing solo poly for roughly 5 years. Gia, Clay, and Pike, my partners. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler.

Last edited by AnnabelMore; 12-05-2011 at 04:38 AM.
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Old 12-05-2011, 05:22 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
I feel awful even saying this. I am so sad and sorry that this is happening. But I can't help it -- there's a part of me that thought "This is what family does, shares good and bad times equally, gives and accepts help in a crisis without hesitation. Maybe this will help make that which is already clear to me clearer to them as well, that family is what we are."
I had a similar thought as I read the story, but maybe from a different direction. It struck me more that this is the reason why we should take the time to cultivate deep connections with people . . . and not just with one or two people, but in networks.

It all comes down to being there for one another - to park the car, or look after a child, to get a snack for someone, or even just to exchange wan, exhausted smiles - in the middle of a crisis.

There's no reason to feel sorry for thinking that.

P.S. I'm just starting to read this thread . . . cheated by starting at the end.
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Old 12-05-2011, 06:44 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by hyperskeptic View Post
... this is the reason why we should take the time to cultivate deep connections with people . . . and not just with one or two people, but in networks.
That's good for people who want to be part of a network. Some of us are loners and like it that way.
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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Old 12-05-2011, 07:22 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post

I feel awful even saying this. I am so sad and sorry that this is happening. But I can't help it -- there's a part of me that thought "This is what family does, shares good and bad times equally, gives and accepts help in a crisis without hesitation. Maybe this will help make that which is already clear to me clearer to them as well, that family is what we are."

This is how we feel. Three Adults and two children working as a family. My kids are only 4 and 2 ... but they love Devo .. and ask about her often. It makes me smile to know how much she is asked for by my children.
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