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Old 12-26-2010, 07:07 PM
Raven Raven is offline
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Default A couple online dating etiquette ?s

I've come up on a couple of questions that I'm not sure how to handle on OKC. Hoping for some advice.

The first question is a little convoluted... I started messaging someone and later recognized her as someone who works at the (family, not adult) video rental store down the street (I'm 98% certain). Mal and I usually go to this store 2-4 times a month. I messaged her, asking if she does work at this store and saying that we may have met in passing. I sent this message six days ago. She hasn't written back yet. I realize this could simply be that it's the holidays and she's been busy, but she has logged in a couple of times and I think it's possible that she may not ever write me back. If she doesn't, how should I handle going to the video store? I have several pictures up online, so if I go in it's entirely possible that she will recognize me. Should I pretend I don't know her? Introduce myself? Avoid the store entirely and rent movies from another store? I've had the impression that it's an unwritten rule that you don't create a meeting with someone from an online dating site without mutual agreement, but how do you handle that when the person works at a place you go to on a regular basis?

The other question is probably more common, and I think I'm asking this mostly because I have so little experience dating, much less using an online dating site. There's one person I've been messaging that I've realized I'm just not compatible with in "that way". I know I could just stop messaging her, but that seems... rude, and cheap. Neither of us have said anything specific about dating / wanting a girlfriend, it's just been friendly messages about our lives and interests. Is there a polite way to say, "thanks, but I'm only interested as pen pals"?

Thanks for any advice / opinions
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Old 12-26-2010, 08:31 PM
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Andy4700 Andy4700 is offline
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First off I HATE IT when people just stop responding to messages! I have had it happen several times on OKC... Its so lame and shallow.... OKC is flakey girl central.

In the case of the woman you're not interested in, as long as you haven't talked specifics, and you don't mind the occasional pen-pal email... why not just keep going at that rate? If she comes right out and asks something specific you can then just say something along the lines of you just don't feel that kind of connection.

In my search I met a woman a few hours away that "could" fit the arrangement I want... but there is like no attraction at all. But at the same time I like to talk to her now and then about randomness too. Online dating is just like real dating... sometimes there just isn't a connection on that level and you just end up meeting a new person, friend if you're really lucky.

As far as video store girl goes.... I again think its incredibly rude to just ignore someone after they took the time to write you an email.... grrr, but you could just "bigger" person and continue renting videos there like nothing ever happened and just treat her like you always have. I really doubt she is going to bring it up. Did you get into specifics with her?

Then again there is always netflix...
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Old 12-26-2010, 08:32 PM
Fidelia Fidelia is offline
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Q1: Next time you're in the video store and she's on the job, just be friendly and approachable. Along the lines of "How are you today? Some weather, eh?" If she wants to take the conversation in a different direction, you've opened the door. If she doesn't . . . well, she is on the job, after all. There are likely policies about socializing on company time.

Q2: it sounds like the relationship between the two of you, pen pals, is right where you want it. It may be exactly what she wants too. The cyber friendship may run its course and eventually die of natural causes. If she invites you to take the relationship further than you're comfortable, decline. Be kind, but direct. "Thanks for thinking of me. I have enjoyed getting to know you better, but I don't think we're going to be compatible for a deeper relationship than we have now. I hope we can continue to be pen pals, because I have really enjoyed our conversations."

Just my $0.02.
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Old 12-26-2010, 09:00 PM
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SourGirl SourGirl is offline
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@ Raven : There is a thread about OKC that might be helpful to you. Search for OKC.

As for the girl, I think being 'recognized' tends to panic people, and they shut down. Especially if they are recognized through their place of employment. Go in, and act like nothing ever happened. for me, I wouldn`t offer 'recognition' in person, after she shut-down online already. If something happens to change, then be open to her change of heart.

@ Andy : Some people like you, do find it rude when they aren`t responded to. The best way to avoid feeling annoyed, is to put yourself in another person`s shoes.
#1- OKC has a feature that allows you to know how often someone responds to messages. If you don`t like those stats, stay clear.
#2- MANY times, a simple 'no thank-you, take care.' is responded to, yet again, and even may include insults. There are some folks that find that hard to deal with. It`s better for them not to respond at all.

#3 - If I am at a party, and conversing with someone who I end up not liking much, I probably keep on mingling. I probably wouldn`t go out of my way to walk back up to them and say; ' Hey, I don`t like you, just thought you should know.'

..sometimes we put odd rules on each other, with dating sites. I think this is one of them.

It`s the equivalent of telling people they have to answer the phone in their house for every single call, and have to answer the door to every salesman.

Anyhow, just another POV. Like I said, there is a pretty good thread in exsistance if anyone is curious.
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Old 12-27-2010, 12:05 AM
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Andy4700 Andy4700 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Fidelia View Post
The cyber friendship may run its course and eventually die of natural causes.
As someone who has had many "cyber friendships", I can attest that all die of natural causes within a year, unless you take the next step and make it a real life friendship. :/

@SourGirl - I am not really talking about the ones that never respond at all, but more the 3 or 4 messages and then nothing. This has happened to me 3 times where I though maybe something could develop, only to have a message never returned and be left wondering what the hell.... grr Its sorta akin to talking to a girl at a bar and having her abruptly walk away and never come back. I know the internet offers a sense of anonymity, but in the end there are real people on both ends and I think manners still apply.

In the end I remind myself that the girl I am looking for wouldn't do that and feel better about it.
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Old 12-27-2010, 01:20 AM
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SourGirl SourGirl is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Andy4700 View Post
@SourGirl - I am not really talking about the ones that never respond at all, but more the 3 or 4 messages and then nothing. This has happened to me 3 times where I though maybe something could develop, only to have a message never returned and be left wondering what the hell.... grr Its sorta akin to talking to a girl at a bar and having her abruptly walk away and never come back. I know the internet offers a sense of anonymity, but in the end there are real people on both ends and I think manners still apply.

In the end I remind myself that the girl I am looking for wouldn't do that and feel better about it.
That is a good thing to remind yourself. At the end of the day, if that is a suitability requirement, then it`s best if they weed themselves out early.

I imagine, from what most men say about online dating, this is more frustrating for men, then women. If I am in contact with someone and at some point, and they dont reply, I usually dont notice until much , much later, if at all.

I don`t mean to pick your words apart, though find myself with different experiences. I had/have a online friendship with someone that lasted 3 years before we met. A few others I never met at all, but we stay in touch, on a semi-regular basis.
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Old 12-27-2010, 02:56 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Hey Raven,

I think you are on the right track about her delay or dropping of communication. It IS the holiday and it is easy to 'get behind' on communications if you do much of it.
I also agree that the fact you may have physically located her may freak her out. Many people (wisely in my book) prefer to keep their 'online' life totally separated from their real life. Very wise ! It's unfortunate you broached that subject at all (knowing where she works etc). That might even send me running ! Such is often the approach of stalkers & weirdos. If there's ANY chance of reestablishing any communication with her I suggest you write her a letter explaining that you NOW are aware of this, are very sorry for potentially freaking her out, and promise you won't bother her more unless she desires it. And then hold to that. Lesson learned the hard way.

Of course I may be wrong.................maybe it's only the holiday delay.
For your sake I hope so.

As an example of how real life situations develop unintentionally.......
I once had a sweet GF. It was early in the relationship - we had only been together once or twice. One day she shows up at my workplace with a picnic lunch for us to share ! It was a sweet, heartfelt gesture and I loved her for it !
Now this workplace was over-run with christian conservatives etc who of course all knew I was married, knew my mate etc. Couple this with the fact that she was many years younger than me. Ohhhhhh the looks & smirks that followed. I tried to slide under this gracefully by explaining that she was a GF of my daughters who happened to be going to school in the area now. I have no idea how this flew - and didn't care in the long run, but the color of my face I'm sure told a whole 'nother story !

Best to get to know each other well - life circumstances etc - as well as a hint of peoples worldly knowledge before too much personal info gets transfered. Her intentions were beautiful but for some people the results could have been disastrous.

GS
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Old 12-27-2010, 04:45 PM
Raven Raven is offline
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Thanks for all the replies I think, if I don't hear back from the girl at the video store, I'll just play it by ear the next time I go to rent a movie. If she looks unhappy or "deer in the headlights," then I'll just go about my business as if I never heard of her outside of renting movies; if she looks friendly I'll be friendly as well (although I have no intentions of bringing up her OKC profile at her work).

I'm curious, GS, what would you have suggested as the alternative, since she works at a small store that I frequent? If it was just that I thought she worked somewhere I wasn't planning on going, I wouldn't have brought it up. But I've already talked Mal out of going to rent a movie twice since we recognized her, out of fears that I would freak her out by showing up at her work unannounced. It's one of our "go-tos" when we want to relax and have no other plans, especially during breaks from school (like now). I brought it up in the hopes that she would give me some direction - "yeah, I work there, but some of my coworkers aren't so accepting so I'll have to pretend to not know you"; "yeah, I work there, maybe I'll see you next time you come rent a movie"; "no, actually, you must be mistaken" - and so that she would have a heads-up that I tend to go to where she works. I realized this may freak her out, but I thought the other option would freak her out more.
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Old 12-27-2010, 05:00 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Perhaps she's "just not that into you", as the saying says.
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Old 12-27-2010, 07:11 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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I think I would try and remember that she probably thought her private life would not show up at her job and is freaked that anyone would know her in that way at work.

To ease her fears I think I would smile, say hi and be polite and respectful. I do that with an old tennant we had who works at the grocery store I shop at. It was a miserable tennancy for her and therefore us and I figure she is embarrassed and would love to deek and avoid when I come in. I just smile, ask how she's doing and go about buying my groceries from her. I go there with Mono and LB quite often, she probably thinks I'm not with PN any more. Over time we have relaxed and act as if we have no past.

I find it incredibly rude and flakey to be ignored by people I have met on line. I think its a great attitude to blow them off and remember that the one you would be with wouldn't be like that. I simply don't invest anymore with people on line until I meet them in person. I know that's sad but unfortunately I need to do this in order to not get my feelings hurt.
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