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  #1  
Old 12-21-2010, 08:44 AM
felid felid is offline
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Unhappy looking for advice...

Hi, i'm new, and having some troubles.

Background info:

Im new to poly, my boyfriend isn't. I've known from the start that he would be with other women, and he usually has had other people during our relationship.

My issue starts:

So, this summer was basicly just my boyfriend and i, having no other partners at the time, and we planned on going to a kinky camping event. At the event, boyfriend met a woman, C, who he seemed to be very interested in. That night i had a migraine and went to bed early. He went and ended up having sex with this new woman we had both barely known for 10 hours. i found out about it when he came back to our tent early the next morning. Needless to say i was very upset.

First i blamed her, and fantasized about destroying her in true Frank Miller style, but after venting, and crying, and talking extensively i realized that the real issue was with boyfriend, although i still feel like she shares some of the blame. Eventually, again, i forgave him.

I was releived when that weekend was over, as she lives far away from us. In september, boyfriend surprised me by saying that she was coming to visit. i avoided her like the plague but was civil when i had to be. i also took her out for breakfast to try and get to know her better one on one. We talked about my perspective and both of our feelings. i still don't like her.

Fast forward to now:

So, C has now gotten a new job and is moving to our city. i still very much dislike her and know that boyfriend will want to try and pursue a relationship with her.

I don't want to be around her, but i don't want my relationship with boyfriend to be strained either. We don't live together and both of us work as well as go to school. Recently, without the added person, we've seen eachother once or twice a week, and even that is too little for my tastes.

How can i make sure that he doesn't forget all about me when he's overwhelmed by NRE?

I don't want to miss out on anything, but i dont want to be in the same vicinity as C. Am i being unreasonable?

-felid
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  #2  
Old 12-21-2010, 10:08 AM
pixie pixie is offline
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I'm only new to this too, but are you actually ok and accepting of him being with other women at all? And what is your understanding of what is and isn't acceptable for him to do? Have you agreed he informs you before pursuing other women? Are these other women supposed to be only sex, or have you discussed the idea of other emotional relationships too? Reading your post sounds like you don't feel that secure in this relationship, but I think it depends on what the agreements were between you, as to whether he did anything wrong for you to have to 'forgive'.

I have an open relationship, it's complicated by being long distance, but the understanding is that it's perfectly acceptable for him to sleep with other women and doesn't need my consent for that or to tell me first. If we had gone to a 'kinky' camping event together (that sounds fun, btw) and I'd left him alone for the night, to be honest I'd probably have found it odd if he hadn't hooked up with someone else!

Would you like this woman, and get on as friends, were it not for her relationship with your boyfriend?
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  #3  
Old 12-21-2010, 11:25 AM
frogprincess21ca frogprincess21ca is offline
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hi, firstly i would say my best wishes to both of you

so the (nre) is coming closer and it is making you anxious. it would make me anxious as well. have you talked to your boyfriend about this? to me communication is one of the most important things in a relationship.

to me it would bother me if i went to a kink event with one of my boyfriends and he had sexual relations( lol i can't believe i am saying it this way ) with another person. the reason that i would feel this way is that he went to that event with me. That being said in my relationship we have a rule that prior to patrick engaging in anything out of the relationship he tells me/ asks my permission. i placed this in place at the start of opening our relationship so that i would be aware of who he was sleeping with and being that i was first i could help him in his decisions. to me i didn't want to be cheated on and this was the way i got rid of those feelings.....for myself. the other reason that i requested this be one of the important factors was that i have seen it work very very well. one of my really really good friends has had a successful open relationship with this one proviso for well over 10 years. that said if this had happened i would be upset because i went to the event thinking that it was going to be a special time with my boyfriend and me and he ended up going elsewhere on our special weekend. have you truly dealt with your feelings of betrayal in regards to this. healing this rift may take more time and work.

that said, it seems to me that either your relationship is fairly new or is still in the progress of further development. it may be that you may be worried that you will loose the time that you currently get as yours. being that is sounds that you have so little time already i can understand how this will effect you. i take it that you love your man lots( i love my two), the loss of the contact maybe something that maybe causing a bit of your anxiety as well

my best suggestion to you is to sit down and discuss this with your man. maybe you need some clearer boundaries set. a open relationship is different from a poly relationship. and a open poly relationship is uber complicated. i know that there is more stress with a poly relationship but there is more beauty as well( to me anyway). something that is big to me is that there is complete openness and communication.

the other thing to me that might be a bit of a stressor is you don't know this women well enough to know who she is. you don't know what she expects from your partner or how she truely feels about you. you don't know if she will be respectful of your time of be a complete meanie head(yes i know i am not a kid).

anyway i truly wish you the best, big hugs
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  #4  
Old 12-21-2010, 03:14 PM
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Breathesgirl Breathesgirl is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by felid View Post
Hi, i'm new, and having some troubles.

Background info:

Im new to poly, my boyfriend isn't. I've known from the start that he would be with other women, and he usually has had other people during our relationship.

My issue starts:

So, this summer was basically just my boyfriend and i, having no other partners at the time, and we planned on going to a kinky camping event. At the event, boyfriend met a woman, C, who he seemed to be very interested in. That night i had a migraine and went to bed early. He went and ended up having sex with this new woman we had both barely known for 10 hours. i found out about it when he came back to our tent early the next morning. Needless to say i was very upset.

First i blamed her, and fantasized about destroying her in true Frank Miller style, but after venting, and crying, and talking extensively i realized that the real issue was with boyfriend, although i still feel like she shares some of the blame. Eventually, again, i forgave him.

I was releived when that weekend was over, as she lives far away from us. In september, boyfriend surprised me by saying that she was coming to visit. i avoided her like the plague but was civil when i had to be. i also took her out for breakfast to try and get to know her better one on one. We talked about my perspective and both of our feelings. i still don't like her.

Fast forward to now:

So, C has now gotten a new job and is moving to our city. i still very much dislike her and know that boyfriend will want to try and pursue a relationship with her.

I don't want to be around her, but i don't want my relationship with boyfriend to be strained either. We don't live together and both of us work as well as go to school. Recently, without the added person, we've seen each other once or twice a week, and even that is too little for my tastes.

How can i make sure that he doesn't forget all about me when he's overwhelmed by NRE?

I don't want to miss out on anything, but i dont want to be in the same vicinity as C. Am i being unreasonable?

-felid
I have been in your shoes. It is NOT fun by any stretch of the imagination.

Disliking your partner's other partner is NOT the end of the world! It makes things a lot more difficult but it's certainly not anything that can't be over come by a LOT of communication, setting of boundaries & learning.

You need (MUST) to communicate to your boyfriend your feelings about her & why you feel that way.

Set some reasonable boundaries for if/when the three of you are in the same space which will give you the security you need yet will give him the ability to be with you both at the same time if the situation arises.

Sit down with with yourself (or wherever, however you think best) and figure out what it is about her that sets you off. Write it down if you need or want to. Remind him of how little time the two of you typically get together. Tell him how you feel about it. Let him know you are NOT ok with even less time together than you already have.

For me that all important boundary was that as long as she wasn't getting MORE physical affection (sex included) I would be OK. As an aside: this had to be put in place because his libido is very low & I needed it to feel secure.

It sounds like the two of you don't have many rules/boundaries in place, if any. Maybe the two of you need to set general boundaries first then work on specific ones for her?

Good luck. It's a long road but if handled correctly the rewards could be wonderful!
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Old 12-21-2010, 09:10 PM
pixie pixie is offline
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The reason I compared to my open relationship, was that it sounds like you only have a problem with her because she was someone he 'cheated' on you with - was it 'cheating' within the agreements of your relationship with him? Have you been jealous of other women he has been with?

My point being - is the problem you have with him and other women full stop, or with her specifically - either because of a personality clash between you and her, or because of how her relationship with your boyfriend began.
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  #6  
Old 12-21-2010, 10:22 PM
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TheBlackSwede TheBlackSwede is offline
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I'm not sure there's much for you to do at this point other than being loving, supportive, and honest. Be the best lover and you that you can be, and I think the rest will fall into place. I don't envy you in this position, and I know it's going to be uncomfortable, but if you've really dealt with your issues with being poly and are really ok with it, I just don't know if there's any more you can reasonably do that will help the situation.
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Old 12-22-2010, 04:32 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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I'm wondering how much communication is going on here. That and what kind of arrangements have you made with him? It sounds by what you've said that he has said he is poly and that means he can do what the hell he wants; not talk to you about his feelings openly and honestly, not respect yours or what your nature is, not act with integrity and does not have compasion for your position and point of view.

I agree that his behaviour sounds more like cheating and using poly as a means to make it okay. Being honest about who you sleep with does not make you poly as far as I am concerned. Its more open cheating.

Not that you have to completely have total control either. Giving *permission* for him to do things is controlling to me and not respecting him in return. If you want respect, you have to give it and trust your partners decisions. The whole idea is to negotiate boundaries and come to an agreement about how your relationship will and is unique to the two of you. Then you follow those boundaries, try them on, change them if need be and trust that they will act with integrity and stick with what's agreed to. I don't hear any of that happening and wonder if perhaps this is why you hate this woman so much.

I would like to bet that in sorting some boundaries out, talking about feelings together, your and his and establishing some compassion/empathy between you, him and her will mean your hatred is lessoned. It might even go away. Or at least turn into compersion laced with *good for you, keep it over there please*

I get the feeling that there is some denial going on here or perhaps he isn't all that into you. He doesn't sound all that committed to you and you sound like you are in some denial about him being committed. Maybe sorting that out and seeing your relationship for exactly what the two of you are it as is in order? If you are mono, perhaps that means moving on to someone that wants to be with only you. That way you can have the commitment you need and not the stress of his other partners he thinks he can fling into his life with no work at all.
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  #8  
Old 12-22-2010, 05:36 AM
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TheBlackSwede TheBlackSwede is offline
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Red - I don't think this is open cheating... We're talking about one other person here, who he's been involved with since meeting her, and he hasn't hidden anything about their relationship. They met at a "kinky camping" event - isn't meeting potential partners to be expected? I think you're right on the money with seeing a need for additional communication here, but I'm just not seeing how this behavior qualifies as "cheating".
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Old 12-22-2010, 05:12 PM
felid felid is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by pixie View Post
The reason I compared to my open relationship, was that it sounds like you only have a problem with her because she was someone he 'cheated' on you with - was it 'cheating' within the agreements of your relationship with him? Have you been jealous of other women he has been with?

My point being - is the problem you have with him and other women full stop, or with her specifically - either because of a personality clash between you and her, or because of how her relationship with your boyfriend began.
You're right pixie, my biggest issue is that he cheated on me with her.

As many of you have said, suggested, etc., we do have a few rules set in place for our relationship. i have told him several times (and in writing) that i NEED to know that he's going to have sex with someone else. Its a very very personal act for me. In our relationship, not telling me before the act constitutes as cheating.

Especially as frogprincess21ca said, it was our special weekend. We never get to spend lot of time alone together so that weekend was extremely exciting for me. Afterwards i was completely depressed because of the betrayal, the bugs, the migraine, and the emotional pain.

We did talk about it, a lot, but my feelings never really changed. I still feel hurt that he would want this woman who he hurt me with so badly to still be in our lives.

I also kept a journal of my feeelings and emotions, which he was allowed to read. Unfortunately, school and work got so busy that i was unable to continue. So yes, LOTS of communication.

My problem is with her specifically. I feel like if she was worth it to cheat on me with, then she may be worth it to leave me over. (yes, i know he's poly, but they still pick and choose partners!)

I know i have some insecuirty issues, but not every other relationship has brought this up in me.

I was fine when he was dating K and N at the same time as me. K found that she needed a person with more time, and N tried to turn him mono (obviously didn't work!).

N was my best friend (like talk every day, and if you dont hear from eachother at least once every 2 days, something terrible has happened) and since then she hasn't talked to me for months even though i've tried to talk to her. This is giving me abandonment anxiety, especially around the holidays, when i'm basicly alone.

He then stated seeing D. I liked her because we had alot in common but once again, the same thing. He didn't tell me before he fucked her, and he did it on a special night. (Friday nights here, are like little events at a local club, specializing in kink and such)

Going with someone else tht night, when i was all ready to go, changed and everything, and then fucking her, without telling me.... yeah, thats cheating too.

I wasn't very insecure about them (even though D was more well off, and about 60lb lighter than me) because her and i were friends beforehand, and had alot in common.

anyway..... not feeling much better about this. Looks like im going to be alone for the holidays this year, which definitly doesn't help.

oh, btw, i'm definitly in love with him, and want to be with him, but he has troubles expressing emotion, but people say that when we're together he looks in love... shrug... i dunno, i dont see him when im not there.
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Old 12-23-2010, 01:25 AM
rosephase rosephase is offline
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Um... you love him I understand that but he isn't even coming close to treating you well. You tell him he needs to tell you BEFORE he has sex with someone new and he hasn't done it... twice.

Being poly isn't just about one partner dealing with whatever the other partner wants to do. If he isn't willing to do this within your comfort zones then it isn't a healthy relationship.

You need to sit down with him (not just let him read about your feelings) and talk about what the rules are. You need things to feel safe in this relationship (you might not always need them but you need them now and that is enough)

If you have already made the things you need very clear to him (try writing out a list and putting up somewhere in both of your places) and he is still fucking up on this level... I think you need to rethink this relationship because this won't stop happening.

Rules are bad. They aren't anti-poly. If he isn't willing to at least try to stick to rules that you need to help you feel safe then he isn't worth being with.
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