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Old 04-19-2013, 09:42 PM
Elorahd Elorahd is offline
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Default Question for the emotionally sensitive

I'm curious about something when you have several dedicated couples going. Say your mate is having some stress in one of his other relationships. Do you feel that when he comes home? Does it change the quality of the time you spend together? Is he distracted and therefore cannot be as intent on you? I'm worried about this because I am an incredibly self-aware person and guys are not always known to be incredibly aware about what they're feeling and how that's affecting the people they're with. I'm also incredibly sensitive to changes in other people's behavior. I will know immediately when something's wrong but when I try and broach it I get an "Everything's fine." I know it's not and it severely tanks the quality of the time we spend together because his head is somewhere else entirely. So if you run in to this problem and it's caused by the extraneous relationships, how do you deal with it? Do you have rules in place to keep this from happening?
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Old 04-20-2013, 02:51 AM
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YouAreHere YouAreHere is offline
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It does happen. The drive home can put my partner in a bad mood, work can do it, of course having a rough moment in his other relationship can do it - the things in our lives affect our moods, and there really isn't any other way around it.

How do I deal with it? Well, it's the sullen silence that I have a hard time dealing with. I don't need details, but if it is something to do with his other relationship, I try to be supportive, and just be there for him (and FWIW, I'm Mono). We don't trash each other; we listen, maybe try to offer alternate viewpoints, and we get through it

I don't really see how rules could stop it, other than he would be in a bad mood and not be able to tell you why. If he tells you about every other bad mood, but can't tell you about this one, I suppose that's going to tell you something anyway... Elementary, my dear Watson.
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Old 04-20-2013, 02:59 AM
Elorahd Elorahd is offline
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I'm mono, and not poly, and so for this to work for me I'm going to have to get what I need out of it or it's not worth my time. The guy is 43 and so I'm expecting him to be an adult and deal with this stuff himself. I don't want to be involved. It just feels like all the poly relationships could really bleed over into the others and cause a great big mess.
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Old 04-20-2013, 03:10 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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By "mono"...

Do you mean monoamorous (desire or capacity to love one person) and poly friendly? Because you could be the partner to a hinge person in a "V" shape thing? But don't want to be a hinge yourself? You just want one partner for you?

Or do you mean monoamorous and monogamous (where you prefer your romances to be 1-on-1 exclusive in configuration?)

If the first scenario -- you could be ok in a polyship if all your wants/needs/limits are met.

If the second -- it's going to rub against the grain at some point. Perhaps best not to go there?
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It just feels like all the poly relationships could really bleed over into the others and cause a great big mess.
That is part of the deal. That polymath. If one of the "mini relationships" inside the greater polyship is wonky, ripples will be felt in the other tiers. For good or for bad -- depends on the people in the polyship in question.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 04-20-2013 at 03:15 AM.
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Old 04-20-2013, 03:39 AM
Elorahd Elorahd is offline
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I would say I'm the first. I wouldn't call myself poly "friendly", but maybe poly "accepting". Like I said, I don't really care what he does as long as my needs are met and at this point, that's not a lot. The problem is, this guy has a habit of inventing scenarios/fantasies in his brain and, by his own confession, they never turn out the way he imagines they will. He's still very optimistic about all this and I'm trying to be grounded in reality. I don't know that I want to become involved in something that is likely to crash and burn. That's why I'm doing all this research. I want him to go into this with realistic expectations. Do you think it would be helpful if we explored our relationship a little further before he started dating anyone else?
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Old 04-20-2013, 04:01 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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I wouldn't even date him more without getting what kind of open model relationship he's offering me at the very least!

Because if that's a mismatch, the rest doesn't even fly.

GG
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Old 04-29-2013, 08:32 PM
Janelle Janelle is offline
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Elorahd,
I am in a V and my bf is the hinge, I definately can relate to trouble on one side spilling over to the other side. We choose to communicate openly about his other relationship. Being able to talk things over with your mate can do multiple things,
1 It can allow him to vent. Needing no reply or advise.
2 It can allow him to get another point of view.
3 It can allow him to be heard (sometimes this is all people really want/need).

Now this seems one sided but the above, if practiced in a positive manner, can be acheived mostly in 30 minutes to an hour. The benefit to you is the mood will stabalize/improve and you can move on to more interesting topics, ideas or activities.

I understand that some people can't/won't discuss OSO's and their issues. I dont like exclusion or omission. If this is what you prefer then I can't offer any suggestions on how to deal with it. I know its difficult to see my SO sad or upset so I would rather help to ease the frustration than to let them stew in the emotion and possibly ruin my time with them.

Quote:
Do you have rules in place to keep this from happening?
I find when you restrict or set rules upon communication (especially about feelings)some aren't as clear as what is okay to share and whats not.

Anyone else have any input on this? I am also looking for alternate ways this is dealt with.
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  #8  
Old 04-30-2013, 04:56 AM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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The only fix I know of for problems from one relationship spilling into another relationship is to increase and improve communication. I don't know of any rules that would prevent spillage from happening at all. I think you have to get used to each other's roles in each other's lives.
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