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Old 04-18-2013, 09:25 AM
Zed Zed is offline
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Default Zen Bonobo

Hello everybody,

I'm new around here and many of these things are new to me. I stumbled upon this site today, looking for some specific solution to a problem and instead found a whole lot more. There's so much information here, I spent a good part of today morning reading blogs and people's experiences. It made me realise I wasn't alone. It helped me step outside of myself and see things more clearly.

I'd like to share my story. There are some good parts and some bad parts but I want to share them all. Reading other's experiences here has helped me. I need some advice and I've seen how people who share their experiences gain from it. And I hope that sharing mine might perhaps help somebody too even though I'm no pro at this, we've only just started being poly about two years ago.

I'm not much of a talker when it comes to sharing close emotional feelings, expectations, desires or boundaries. I've been trying to change that for a long time and I have made some serious progress, but I also still have difficulty doing it. It's more difficult if I have to talk to my primary partner about what I want from another partner or talk to my other partner about my boundaries. It makes me feel uncomfortable. Why? Because I think I will hurt their feelings? Because I'm afraid of being denied what I want? Or because I'm not sure of what I want in the first place and think it's better to just 'see what happens'? I think it's cocktail of reasons. But I've realised time and again, that not talking makes it worse. I like the way somebody described these talks in a post I read today: "Kinda like putting up warning signs and detour routes for the the road that washed away 1 mile ahead. If all the warnings are ignored, you find your self in need of a tow truck to get your self out of the mess." True.

I think I should start the story from the beginning. Since the beginning was around 11 years ago, I'm afraid this is going to be a long post.

I'm 27 now. I've only been in love twice. My first relationship went on for 4 years before we split because we moved to different countries. My second one, seven years and counting. I'm not married, but the girl I'm with now is the one I want to spend my life with. I went from one relationship to the next pretty quickly, in a matter of three or so months and during which I wasn't seeing/dating/having sex with any body else. It started simple enough, flirting, fooling about. And before we knew it, we were in love.

That's about 11 years combined. I cheated on my girlfriends many times. Yes, I lied and I cheated. I'm not proud of it. My ex girlfriend still doesn't know everything. I had cheated on and lied to my current girlfriend Nisha too. Every time I did it I felt weak, guilty, like a terrible person. But I couldn't control myself. I loved Nisha then and love her now. And I love sex. I want it from her and others. I want it so much that I'm week when offered. I had affairs. I wanted to and tried to treat everybody respectfully. But sometimes I failed. Sometimes I lied to get into bed or out of trouble. Sometimes I did things I regretted very heavily the next day. The guilt was terrible.

I love sex, I'm a slut and I'm not ashamed of it. Not anymore. Once I considered being a slut a bad thing, I felt guilty and wrong. I don't anymore. Now what I am ashamed of is being an unethical one.

When Nisha and I were together, we wanted to see/fuck new people. Which we thought was only possible if we broke up. So we broke up. But then we couldn't bear not being together so we got back. And it went like this, off and on, again and again, breaking and patching. The last time I cheated on her and confessed, I finally confessed to everything, all the past times that I had lied about, the whole truth and I was very ashamed of what I had done and very, very, scared. I had never seen her that hurt and angry before. Her trust was shattered. She left me and it was an very horrible time. Things seemed irreparable.

But something happened after that. While we weren't together, Nisha met someone who was poly and married. I won't get into the details here because it involves other people's privacy but what matters is that this led to a series of events which opened our minds to whole new possibilities. Polyamory. At first we weren't sure of how it would work, but we gave it a try. It was amazing. Instead of taking us further apart, it brought us closer together than we'd ever been before. Our love grew immensely.

We spoke openly, me for the first time without shame or guilt. We had long conversations. Her insecurities gradually lessened. My fears of not being accepted slowly lessened. It was hard at first and we had a tough time getting through it. But we stuck to it, we were brutally honest and accepted each other. We voiced our desires and respected each others boundaries. Our trust slowly mended and our love grew incredibly. She trusted me, my love. She knew that I would always be there for her and I knew she would be there for me. We were very happy together again. We had passionate sex again, together, with others and together with others.

But things aren't always so easy going. Things aren't always so easy to do. Emotions aren't easy to control and somethings, things get out of hand. And things did go out of hand very recently, when Nisha and I stayed over at my other partner's house while on holiday. Initially it's something that I didn't want to do but we didn't have a hotel booked and it was convenient. But I guess we bit off more than we could chew. A lot of things went wrong. I guess I got caught up in what they call NRE and that made me blind to how Nisha was feeling or being treated. We hit bumps we didn't see coming. Insecurities and fears resumed. And our holiday pretty much feels like just a waste of time, money and energy right now.

In fact, this holiday is the reason why I started looking online for help. And what I wanted to share here was what happened during this holiday but I couldn't do so without first explaining how we got there. I'll share the rest of my story soon but I've written a lot for now and need to take some time to process things firstů

---------------
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  #2  
Old 04-18-2013, 10:26 AM
Zed Zed is offline
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Default So many questions...

I didn't know what NRE was before reading it in this blog. I'm not being sexist when I ask this, I'm just confused and curious. Does NRE affect men and women in the same way? Or do you think men are more prone to going gaga when they experience it? I ask because both Nisha and I have had other partners, not really long term ones, but she seems to be so much more in control of her relationship than I am with mine. But its not just this one case. I've seen other guys go bonkers when they first start a new relationship, it's like they have horse blinds on. I always thought this ridiculous until it happened to me. I don't think I went so far as to neglect Nisha or not notice her, but I just didn't realise how much I was hurting her or how I wasn't giving her all the attention she needed. I'm just confused as to what happened to me and how things went wrong and how I could prevent them happening again..

P.S.: I realised later that Zen Bonobo sounds dam pretentious... I'm not that. But that's what I want to be. A peaceful fun loving chimpanzee.
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Old 04-18-2013, 04:26 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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I like the name Zen Bonobo, I get it!

NRE is a wash of hormones that affects men and women equally. Either gender can even become a NRE junkie, leaving one person as soon as the NRE wears off, to get it again with the next partner. (I think of Hollywood celebs who meet, date, have expensive fabulous weddings, honeymoons, even a baby, then break up and get a new partner when the newness wears off!)

In poly, it's just something you have to get used to, and hopefully see yourself subjectively enough to regulate it so you don't neglect or hurt your other partner(s) while all twitterpated. Likewise, your experienced poly partners will know to look out for their partner's NRE, make some allowances and know it will start to fade after some months have gone by.
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

There's no lying in polyamory!

I'm a 58 year old woman with 2 partners:
miss pixi, my live-in gf, 36 (together since Jan '09)
Ginger, bf, 61, married, lives nearby (together since Jan '12)
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  #4  
Old 04-19-2013, 08:31 AM
Zed Zed is offline
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Default :)

Thanks Magdlyn! Hahaha, your comparison to hollywood stars really simplified understanding NRE for me. It's something I do want to keep under control, at least so that no one gets hurt.

I've got to say I'm really learning a lot from reading this forum. It's helping me formulate thoughts, realise what I want and what I don't want. I never could figure out what I want. But now I'm narrowing it down by realising what I don't want. At least not for now. Does that make sense?

I was reading BaggagePatrol's blog and found some useful advice on it. Particularly the advice her sister and sister's partner shared. Thank you so much for sharing that BaggagePatrol, I think it these tips/advice will help a lot in the future.
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  #5  
Old 04-19-2013, 11:59 AM
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InAndOut InAndOut is offline
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Your blog caught my attention. The name pulls you in, and I dig your writing style. Totes get it. I just saw a bonobos at our zoo. I loved watching them.

NRE makes your peripherals fade and no one outside of that tunnel vision matters. You can keep it under control by not letting it control you. It's like a happy cocktail. The high is high. It feels super good. You prevent neglect from happening by checking in with Nisha and asking if there's anything she needs. You know that the trip was a bust, and we all lose our heads. You correct it and learn what to do. It's not forever, and that's a good thing.

Poly takes practice and time to master. I like making flubs so I can say doh like Homer. I've learned many things. I like growing and being able to take something from every experience. That's worth making a couple of mistakes.

♡ Bella

Last edited by InAndOut; 04-19-2013 at 12:02 PM.
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  #6  
Old 04-19-2013, 03:11 PM
CherryBlossomGirl CherryBlossomGirl is offline
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Default Fabulous Start.

I think those that have some reluctance around sharing their emotional world have a great deal to offer. So glad that you're posting on here, and glad that you are connecting with what you don't want - that's largely how I navigate through life as well. Be open, and discover what doesn't work for you, while getting closer to what you do want.

It sounds like you're aware of your NRE, and in my experience that goes a LONG way to finding the path that will create the most happiness for everyone in the face of some very exciting and new emotions.

I wonder about your query - do men respond in a more immersed way to NRE? That is very interesting question. I wonder if it has more to do with one's Meyer's Brigg's - the psychological and emotional style in which we process interior and exterior worlds. I have watched members of both gender succumb to the almost drugged state of NRE while inadventantly trodding all over other people's hearts. Perhaps it's a tendency towards escapism? A tendency towards addiction? This will have me thinking all day.

Welcome, and am looking forward to reading more about your experience!
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