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Old 04-17-2013, 11:51 AM
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jones jones is offline
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Default how can I move past this? can I move past this?

hi all, I found out today that my primary thinks he loves his ex (his secondary partner) more than me and that he wish he met her in uni or when we broke up a few years ago, he wish he got with her.

I am so heartbroken, I have felt second best for a long time and now its clear I am, I don't know if I want to carry on being second best even though they aren't together but her primary partner is thinking of breaking up with her as she did something very hurtful and he hasn't loved her in a long time, so if she is free and single they will get back together.

I don't want this, I have told him this but he is doing it anyway. do I stay or leave? can I stay and how will I deal with it.
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Old 04-17-2013, 12:43 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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I am sorry you are upset.

Quote:
I don't want this, I have told him this but he is doing it anyway. do I stay or leave? can I stay and how will I deal with it.
I'm a bit confused... What is he doing that you do not want?
1) Pining for the ex and dreaming?

2) Or asking the ex to get back together with him even though you don't want him to pursue her?
If it is 1, then perhaps with time he will come back to earth and meet your needs in your relationship. He can still love the ex but past is past.

If it is 2, and he's not meeting needs and there is no hope of meeting needs in future... perhaps it is best to accept and split.

Only you know if partner meets your needs or not (both in short term and in long term.) So debating whether to break up or not... that's up to you.

Hang in there!
Galagirl
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Old 04-17-2013, 02:46 PM
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jones jones is offline
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Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
I am sorry you are upset.



I'm a bit confused... What is he doing that you do not want?
1) Pining for the ex and dreaming?

2) Or asking the ex to get back together with him even though you don't want him to pursue her?
If it is 1, then perhaps with time he will come back to earth and meet your needs in your relationship. He can still love the ex but past is past.

If it is 2, and he's not meeting needs and there is no hope of meeting needs in future... perhaps it is best to accept and split.

Only you know if partner meets your needs or not (both in short term and in long term.) So debating whether to break up or not... that's up to you.

Hang in there!
Galagirl

he is still talking to her despite it hurts so much that she won't talk to me, she doesn't love me anymore but she still loves him again it hurts, she said she doesn't want a relationship with him but that was a lie.

when he is with me and its just us I don't feel he meets all my needs.

he said today he doesn't want to lose me and he loves me so much, which is great but he loves her more than me, we have been together for ten years and he was with her for 8 months.

he said he wish he didn't get back together with me and he wished he met her in uni and dated her and dumped me, this guy who I love isn't poly if he is thinking like this. or is he?

j is done with me and everything to do with me and she is still talking to G, this hurts so much.
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Old 04-17-2013, 07:09 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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I see that it hurts.

But here's what appears to be the bottom line --

Quote:
"when he is with me and its just us I don't feel he meets all my needs."
He says he loves you and doesn't want to lose you, but goes telling you things that upset you like
  • he loves her more.
  • he wish he didn't get back together with me
  • he wished he met her in uni and dated her and dumped me.

That's mixed message. When in doubt? I go with the actions and NOT the words. The actions of him still going after her like this sounds like "less than loving / alienating" behavior to me.

Even WITHOUT all this extra frosting?

You say he doesn't meet your needs when it is just you two anyway. So no cake here, really.

Maybe in the interest of your own best health you pull the plug and walk away?

I won't kid you -- breaking up stinks. But at least it is stink with an end point and you can start to heal and start to feel better in time.

Rather than staying here only to be enduring never ending stinkage heaped on your head day after day.

Freedom comes in two flavors -- "freedom TO" and "freedom FROM."

Maybe you want to reach out for Freedom FROM this yucky even if you don't have anything in mind for what you want to be reaching out TO at this moment?

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 04-18-2013 at 03:29 AM.
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Old 04-17-2013, 10:16 PM
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nancyfore nancyfore is offline
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Big hugs, I know this sucks...

His statement that he wishes he hadn't gotten back together with you and wishes he had met her sooner is certainly not being kind to you at all, and if he doesn't meet your needs, you might need to break away from him. Its going to hurt yes, but it's not seeming to be so
great now either...

I wish the best for you....

Nancy
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Old 04-17-2013, 11:13 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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"he said he wish he didn't get back together with me and he wished he met her in uni and dated her and dumped me" <-- This is a terribly cruel thing to say to someone who you're supposed to be in a relationship with. I'm so sorry, but it's time to move on. You deserve better than that.
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  #7  
Old 04-18-2013, 07:54 AM
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jones jones is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
I see that it hurts.

But here's what appears to be the bottom line --



He says he loves you and doesn't want to lose you, but goes telling you things that upset you like
  • he loves her more.
  • he wish he didn't get back together with me
  • he wished he met her in uni and dated her and dumped me.

That's mixed message. When in doubt? I go with the actions and NOT the words. The actions of him still going after her like this sounds like "less than loving / alienating" behavior to me.

Even WITHOUT all this extra frosting?

You say he doesn't meet your needs when it is just you two anyway. So no cake here, really.

Maybe in the interest of your own best health you pull the plug and walk away?

I won't kid you -- breaking up stinks. But at least it is stink with an end point and you can start to heal and start to feel better in time.

Rather than staying here only to be enduring never ending stinkage heaped on your head day after day.

Freedom comes in two flavors -- "freedom TO" and "freedom FROM."

Maybe you want to reach out for Freedom FROM this yucky even if you don't have anything in mind for what you want to be reaching out TO at this moment?

Galagirl

Hi gala,

me and G had a chat this morning, I spent the night away from him yesterday to think about things, we aren't 100% but getting there, J is the main source of our fights, B is leaving her because he found out she didn't use a condom with G and P, he has moved out and I was trying to talk to her and she said she wanted nothing to do with me, still G is blaming me and fighting with me.

here is my main question: how can I be happy and move on from the right J wants nothing to do with me and wants to talk to G but not me and will one day start dating him again. I did say to G if he dated her I would leave him but he is still going to date her.

I can't see myself staying with him if he dated her.
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Old 04-21-2013, 12:47 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
How about SHOWING it then? Like not taking you for granted and talking mixed messages that cause pain? Make up his mind to be with you, love you, and not alienate you so you want to leave him by demonstrating loving/kind behaviors?
I told him this and he just says I should leave him if I am so unhappy, so he is not willing to take this onboard, he just sulks and tells me to go because when I get home and I have been away from him all day I want a cuddle but he won't even look up from the pc.
All that sounds like he's emotionally detaching.

You want something from him he is just not willing to provide right now, and maybe not in future or at all.

Quote:
maybe I don't know as he doesn't know. I try talking about it and we fight.
To me it sounds like he does know. Maybe you aren't ready to hear?

It is hard to tell just reading.... you are there and live it. But it sounds like perhaps you could believe him when he says he loves her more, and behaves like he rather be with her.

It's hard to take and digest. I know you have to finish going through the grieving process to arrive at the "acceptance" stage of it. It's easy for forum people to see it without the emotional ties than for the actual people in the situation. But it sounds like he's broadcasting pretty clear. Just too wishwashy to say it out right -- "I want to break up with you."

This dangling along thing sucks.

I am so sorry you are going through this. It sounds like you could be in "bargaining stage" to me in the stages of grief. You said ok to him seeing her with no sex... hoping maybe that he'd give you loving/kindness in return because he gets some of what he'd like? But you are getting nothing here.

On the other hand, it is further along than "shock/denial" in the process so... you kinda are making progress? In yourself at least? That at least is something right?

Hang in there. You aren't suffering alone out there. People see you.

GG

Last edited by GalaGirl; 04-21-2013 at 12:52 AM.
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  #9  
Old 04-21-2013, 08:15 AM
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jones jones is offline
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Quote:
All that sounds like he's emotionally detaching.

You want something from him he is just not willing to provide right now, and maybe not in future or at all.
that is the thing, its too early to tell, yesterday he sat by me and stroked my hair because I was sleeping and then sat by me when I woke up, he doesn't do this but it felt nice but there is a little feeling is he doing this because he wants to or because he is trying to keep me happy so when J does become single he can have her?

Quote:
To me it sounds like he does know. Maybe you aren't ready to hear?

It is hard to tell just reading.... you are there and live it. But it sounds like perhaps you could believe him when he says he loves her more, and behaves like he rather be with her.
I think maybe he does but doesn't want to tell me the truth, all I have got from him is:

he loves us both the same ( so its changed now)

he gets jealous when J sees someone else but its them and not him and I live with him so I am always with him.

I know he thinks that if he got with her when we broke up or when he was in uni with her ( he didn't know her then) he may not have got back together with me.

Quote:
It's hard to take and digest. I know you have to finish going through the grieving process to arrive at the "acceptance" stage of it. It's easy for forum people to see it without the emotional ties than for the actual people in the situation. But it sounds like he's broadcasting pretty clear. Just too wishwashy to say it out right -- "I want to break up with you."

This dangling along thing sucks.
I am so torn... yes he has said some shit things but I still love him but its like he has settled for me, he is here but only because he has to be. a few weeks ago he said:

''I am only here because I have no other choice''

he said he said it to hurt me and he didn't mean it.

we need to talk, I want to know how he really feels if he is happy being here.

Quote:
I am so sorry you are going through this. It sounds like you could be in "bargaining stage" to me in the stages of grief. You said ok to him seeing her with no sex... hoping maybe that he'd give you loving/kindness in return because he gets some of what he'd like? But you are getting nothing here.

On the other hand, it is further along than "shock/denial" in the process so... you kinda are making progress? In yourself at least? That at least is something right?

Hang in there. You aren't suffering alone out there. People see you.
thanks gg I didn't see it like that, I know G and J, so many times I asked them not to have sex and they still did it so no I don't trust them and may never will trust them, I can't see anything changing, if he got back together with her, they would still act selfish. why should I let him be with a woman who he caused some much pain to be with.


or don't I have a choice? xx
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