Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner


Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 04-17-2013, 12:15 AM
SSmith SSmith is offline
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 11
Unhappy Should me and my wife just call it quits?

I am a mono trapped in a poly relationship, she wants it, I do not.

I love her dearly, but when isn't love enough? Every time she fools around or sleeping with one of her partners I feel cheated on, literally sick to my stomach. It doesn't turn me on in any way whatsoever to think of her with her partners (all female). Attempting to compensate I try to begin my own relationship but I feel nothing and more then likely will let it fail. She tries to urge me to be "open" but I feel like it's her way of not feeling guilty if we are both doing it, if that makes any sense.

The reason I have not it quits yet, is because I cant put my finger on what is bother me.

I am not especially jealous, I see the person as competition more then anything else. I have no problems personally attracting women to me, so it's not a confidence thing. I have no issue with the lifestyle in itself, just the thought of her being with someone else makes me ill.

I want her to be happy, and it's almost like I love her so much I wanna leave her so my feelings don't mess with her poly "inner self".

TLDR - I am miserable, I dont want her to be miserable to make me happy. And Id do anything to save us and figure out how to work through this.

Thank you.

Last edited by SSmith; 04-17-2013 at 01:31 AM.
Reply With Quote
Old 04-17-2013, 03:56 AM
Dirtclustit Dirtclustit is offline
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Middle of Oregon
Posts: 422
Default Do you have children?

If you don't have kids, and you are that distraught, but cannot figure out why, some time away might help you figure it out. A couple of weeks or months with no contact might make it real clear that whether you don't want to live without her or better off not together.

Sometimes people think they want something or don't want something, and they are so sure about it until they don't have it or until they get it.

Of course, it would be a much much better if you could figure it out without doing that. But if truly have honestly talked yourselves blue in the face and you there are no more words to say, what else can you do?

Just make sure you really cannot communicate any more than you already have, because it is human nature to fool ourselves into believing we did everything we could, but I find if I am being real, for me anyway, if I am not careful I'll take the easy way out. Which would be to claim I can't take any more, but unless I am really at my wits end, it is more like trying to pull strings to get my way.

What does your wife say when you talk to her about it?

Last edited by Dirtclustit; 04-17-2013 at 04:00 AM.
Reply With Quote
Old 04-17-2013, 04:07 AM
nancyfore's Avatar
nancyfore nancyfore is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: CA
Posts: 163

Have you asked her to take a break with her partners for a little while so you can work through your feelings?

Starting other relationships isn't going to help with the problems of the current one and it isn't really fair to the women you would be in a relationship with.
Reply With Quote
Old 04-17-2013, 04:59 AM
Nox Nox is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Texas
Posts: 251

One of the tricks is figuring out how to learn deep inside that you aren't in competition with her lovers any more than you're in competition with her friends.

It isn't easy at all. I'm struggling with it the evening... again. But it's less than normal, so there's hope.
Me: 41 straight male in a V with
Wife: Kay - mono female - married 18 years
LDR ex? girlfriend: Susan - serial monogamist female - 4 year relationship ended? 9/29
Stakes - very intimate friend
Reply With Quote
Old 04-17-2013, 01:08 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is online now
Senior Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,074

It is up to you.

Is this a HARD LIMIT? Like polyshipping is just NOT your cup of tea and never will be? No amount of time will ever change the fact that for you, you like your romances to come in a monoship shape?

Is this a SOFT LIMIT? One that could change in time because the problem is not polyshipping in general but HOW she is doing it right now? You have objections to some of her polyshipping practices?

Since sex is the trigger... is it her moving too fast into sexual relationships before you can know/trust the person with your beloved? Unsafe sex practices that put you at risk? Something else? Is the sex share poking you not in your "Physical health bucket" but in your "mental health" bucket -- arousing jealousy things like fears of abandonment or other kinds of jealous like how you fit into her life NOW?

If you know deep down it is a hard limit... let her go. As hard as it is, choosing an end point and short term break up suffering is better than no-end-in-sight continual suffering.

If it is a soft limit and you really want this for yourself too, perhaps schedule an honest talk about the HOW she approaches polyshipping right now and what could be improved so you can feel physically safe, emotionally safe, mentally safe, and spiritually safe. So you can work toward being comfortable and happy in polyship.

Hang in there!


Last edited by GalaGirl; 04-17-2013 at 07:16 PM.
Reply With Quote
Old 04-17-2013, 01:59 PM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 9,929

Drill down to the essence of what is underneath your discomfort. Keep asking yourself "why does this make me nauseous," "why do I hate it," "and why did I consent to this?"

Here are some ideas (you don't have to answer them here, but these are just food for thought, for further self-examination):
  • Do you think your repulsion to her other relationships has to do with some cultural and familial beliefs that were drilled into you at an early age about what relationships are supposed to look like?
  • And/or about what marriage is supposed to look like?
  • Do you feel like your masculinity or manhood is threatened if your wife is with someone else?
  • Do you, somewhere in your thoughts and beliefs, view her as "belonging to" you? In other words, is this about possessiveness and a sense that she is being "taken away" from you when she is with someone else?
  • Do you ever experience feelings of being inadequate when you think of her with other people?
  • Do you have underlying issues/prejudices with same-sex relationships?
  • Does she make time and effort to be fully with you, have romantic dates with you, and give you what you need from her while balancing her other relationships, or is she caught up in NRE (New Relationship Energy) and ignoring you to some degree?
  • Do you ask for what you need?
  • Do you view sex as more threatening than emotional involvement? Or visa-versa? If one is okay with you but the other is not, keep asking yourself what your logic behind that is.
  • Did you and your wife set up boundaries to help each of you manage this, or did you both just throw yourselves into it willy-nilly, winging it (with you possibly feeling like you have to go along or be more permissive than you wish) without discussing clearly any areas that make you uncomfortable? If not, then start negotiating.
  • Did you acquiesce and go along with allowing a poly arrangement when you really didn't want to, and now you are dealing with the fallout, ie., feeling victimized or coerced, or mad at yourself for not speaking up or betraying yourself?
  • Do you have enough other things in your life (hobbies, friends, activities, passions) that satisfy you or do you make her the center of your world?
It always helps me to just keep making inquiries whenever I am struggling with something. Not to just accept, "I am feeling this way or that way," but to ask myself what factors have contributed to that. Many feelings arise out of our thought processes and belief systems, and the more we become aware of what kinds of beliefs are running inside us like "default programming," and how our minds work, the better able we can just let those thoughts come up without paying credence to them or letting them run our lives and create emotional storms.

Hope this helps you. Have you done any reading about poly? I recommend Opening Up by Tristan Taormino.
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia

Click here for a Solo Poly view on hierarchical relationships
Click here to find out why the Polyamorous Misanthrope is feeling disgusted.

Last edited by nycindie; 04-17-2013 at 02:32 PM.
Reply With Quote
Old 04-19-2013, 12:14 AM
Marcus's Avatar
Marcus Marcus is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Richardson, TX
Posts: 1,357

Originally Posted by SSmith View Post
I am a mono trapped in a poly relationship, she wants it, I do not.
Maybe I missed something in the subtlety of your question but... it seems like you've already answered it here.

There is a difference between being introduced to a new worldview and being caught off guard, and being introduced to a worldview which you are fundamentally against. You sound like you are whole heartedly against her having control over who she is in love with or has sex with.

There are only a few options here:
She pretends to be momogamous for your sake and is miserable.
You pretend to be ok with her polyamoryy and you are miserable.
One of you has a true worldview shift regarding personal accountability.
Realize your way of relating is incompatible.

Pick one and deal with the consequences.
Me: male, 40, straight, single
Reply With Quote
Old 04-19-2013, 12:20 AM
KerrBear KerrBear is offline
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 60

Originally Posted by Marcus View Post
There are only a few options here:
She pretends to be momogamous for your sake and is miserable.
You pretend to be ok with her polyamoryy and you are miserable.
One of you has a true worldview shift regarding personal accountability.
Realize your way of relating is incompatible.

Pick one and deal with the consequences.
Agree with this. You sound angry and upset, SSmith. Something has to changed for there to be happiness.
Me: 30. New to Poly but previous swinger for roughly 4 years. Married since 2008 but together since 2007.

Husband: Mid 30's. Swinger.

Boyfriend is a Muslim and we're in a LDR since July of 2014.
Reply With Quote
Old 04-21-2013, 10:34 AM
SSmith SSmith is offline
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 11

I am neither angry or upset. I am heart broken. Cause for her to be happy, she has to be poly. For me to be happy, she has to be mono. I am well aware of this already. I made this thread to give me more options and more points of views so I could go a route that didn't end in divorce, not to be singled out as narrow minded and angry. Luckily, I have gotten some great PM's that I have been very thankful for their insight.

Either way, my mind has already been made and this thread is now mute. Thank you again for your replies though.
Reply With Quote
Old 04-21-2013, 02:01 PM
Natja's Avatar
Natja Natja is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 836

I don't think people meant to cast you as 'angry' as in resentful and oppositional, but angry as in 'frustrated' that there does not seem to be any other way?
Although I have not commented before, I read your thread with interest and was hoping that people could offer up better advice than I could since I am not married.
However, I would love to know what you have decided and how you get on, I hope you continue to share your experiences and not leave because you feel that people are judging you.

Reply With Quote

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump

All times are GMT. The time now is 09:41 PM.