Poly and single?

[Ceoli]

I'm pretty new to this forum having just discovered it, but I'd like to repost a discussion I posted in another forum to get some other perspectives.

I came into discovering my poly nature as a single person completely on my own. I've been open to having poly relationships, but as a single person, it seems that most to all of the poly relationships I've had involve me being a secondary to an already existing primary relationship. As I've said in some other threads, sometimes it can make me feel no less single than if I had no relationships. And also, as I was exploring the poly world I found that the VAST majority of the literature is aimed at couples who want to open up their relationship. There's very little out there for single people, and most of it is reduced to either a chapter in a larger book for couples or as a footnote. It seems almost everywhere I look for relationships and/or advice, I'm surrounded by couples who have other relationships branching from that primary one.

Do people find the world of poly to be a bit of a harsh environment for single people? It's almost like trying to jump into a jump-rope game that's already going really fast where everyone on the inside is singing their jump-rope song and enjoying a great rhythm. It's flowing great on the inside and next to impossible to join.

So are there poly single people out there? What are your experiences?

Thoughts? Feelings?

[Mark1npt]

Hello Ceoli...I get your frustration. I would guess that most poly situations mostly arise out of couples who feel somehow incomplete in their primary relationship and want to open up their hearts and minds to new experiences. Singles, on the other hand, are free to sleep around and have multiple relationships all the time. There are no concrete ties to anyone. To many poly people, having many lovers vs. many loves are two completely different things. I would think you must first have one deep love in your life. One committment, therefore you are a couple, first. After that, may come the true poly aspect of your life. As a single, it is probably very difficult to meet up first with another like minded single and head right off into polyamory. Again, if you're single, it's looked at as just hooking up. I applaud that you are single and already know how you are and how you want to live your life, that is if you are really talking poly and not just being in an open relationship. They are two very different things. Good luck in your search.

[keiokaki]

i on the other hand think you are an awesome person and should keep trying, there needs to be more single poly's because with out a single poly there is no way for us couples who want to equally share our love with someone to do that. That sucks about you feeling secondary, i don't believe in heirarchy myself i like things to be equal and full of love

[Ceoli]

Originally Posted by keiokaki

i on the other hand think you are an awesome person and should keep trying, there needs to be more single poly's because with out a single poly there is no way for us couples who want to equally share our love with someone to do that. That sucks about you feeling secondary, i don't believe in heirarchy myself i like things to be equal and full of love

Thanks for the compliment

But I have to say, this kind of illustrates the issue that single people have. Is the only role for a single person in poly communities to be an add-on for couples who want to share? That dynamic in itself creates unequal ground, even with the best of intentions on the part of a couple. Individual relationships develop on their own, not with a mandate that one must love both members of a couple equally...that's a pretty tall order to put on a potential partner. Also, why must the potential third be single? Wouldn't a poly person who may already have another partner or partners also be just as available?

I acknowledge that it works out nicely for some people, but for many others it doesn't.

Like I said before, it's easy for single bi poly girls to feel like accessories to couples. I'm looking for people to love, not package deals.

I'm sorry if I'm sounding a bit harsh, because I do realize you posted that with the best of intentions, but I guess I need to voice these issues.

[Mark1npt]

Ceoli, there are limitless possibilities of combinations out there in this poly world. I didn't mean for my definition to be yours. Sorry if it offended. You asked for advice and input, that is what I have from my side of it.

It just seems to me that before you can love or determine that you love multiple people, you must love at least one. There has to be a starting point somewhere and unless you're sleeping around with multiple partners, there wouldn't be any opportunity for you to have multiple loves at the same time. And, having multiple loves vs. multiple lovers, is not the same thing.

I can certainly empathize with you and your plight. Being single and being poly is probably very tough. However, you seem motivated and genuine in your search. I'm sure you'll stumble into a situation that works for you at some point. Just keep looking. Don't give up. Good luck!

[Ceoli]

Originally Posted by Mark1npt

It just seems to me that before you can love or determine that you love multiple people, you must love at least one. There has to be a starting point somewhere and unless you're sleeping around with multiple partners, there wouldn't be any opportunity for you to have multiple loves at the same time. And, having multiple loves vs. multiple lovers, is not the same thing.

I wasn't offended as much as just trying to raise questions about those general perceptions that I see in the community and the general couple-centric views.

I guess what I'm trying to say that as a person who has had multiple partners on a secondary basis, that does not mean that I'm just sleeping around and I know that this is the case for many poly single people. I have loved my partners deeply, yet have not had access to the benefits of a primary relationship. But many people in the poly community are quick to put the kind of love I have on a lower level than their couple units. Just because I don't have that primary relationship does not mean that I don't experience deep love or know how to love deeply.

And yes, I would like to have some form of partnership that involves cohabitation and building a family, and I guess the frustration stems from the fact that the very community in which I should be able to find such a partner seems to only let you in if you already have such a partner. There is a definite view that single people are not available for deep, loving partnerships but more available to just have "lovers". I think that perception is generally unfair.

I don't think it's necessary to already be partnered to be able to love multiple people deeply. And I find it ironic that many poly communities profess this idea that people can love in many different ways, yet seem to dismiss this ability to love deeply if the person is not partnered already.

I do appreciate your thoughts, so thank you for that. But I am a debater at heart and I guess these are issues I feel pretty strongly about. I'm not only posting this to sort out my own feelings, but to also give voice to what I see as a pervading problem in many poly communities.

[tigrrrlily]

Originally Posted by Ceoli

Like I said before, it's easy for single bi poly girls to feel like accessories to couples. I'm looking for people to love, not package deals.

Yes i understand your sentiment. I dream of seeing a particular someone who is with someone, have done for years. I've been single for 6 years and and first i mourned bitterly the lack of a partner but now I'm growing to like parts of it. It occured to me that the advantage of getting together with half of a couple is its one way of keeping the best of being single without giving up the best of being with someone. You know, some kind of one-night a week arrangement where one's eccentricities and indepences don't have to adapt too much. But its not his partner I've got the crush on, now is it? The both of them just wouldn't work for me - I don;t do well in crowds always, jar?

[XYZ123]

Hello. I don't have alot of advice to offer here. But I think [I]most[I] poly relationships probably start as couples who open up and maybe that's why a single poly is viewed in a different light. I'm really trying to wrap my head around what it is you're hoping to find, not long term but as a starting point. Are you hoping to meet another poly single who already shares the same feelings as yourself? Or several? I'm just asking because I find the notion of being a poly single female interesting and, undoubtably, challenging. You are, after all, that mythical unicorn.
At the same time, try not to close yourself off to couples because of bad experiences. There are those who exist that strive for equality and not an accessory to fit into their life. I don't think it's any easier for couples to accept a third after years than it is for the joining single to feel equal.

[trixlg]

Originally Posted by keiokaki

i on the other hand think you are an awesome person and should keep trying, there needs to be more single poly's because with out a single poly there is no way for us couples who want to equally share our love with someone to do that. That sucks about you feeling secondary, i don't believe in heirarchy myself i like things to be equal and full of love

I agree I feel the same way .. equal and full of love.

[Ceoli]

Originally Posted by Mark1npt

Singles, on the other hand, are free to sleep around and have multiple relationships all the time. There are no concrete ties to anyone. To many poly people, having many lovers vs. many loves are two completely different things.

Thank you very much for a thoughtful reply, but I still have some issues here. Why is it assumed that I as a single person would be seeking relationships to sleep around? Why is it assumed that I am only looking for lovers and not loves?

Originally Posted by Mark1npt

I would think you must first have one deep love in your life. One committment, therefore you are a couple, first. After that, may come the true poly aspect of your life.

So basically you're saying that in order to be poly, I have to first be monogamous? This doesn't make sense to me. Perhaps if what you want is a primary relationship with secondary partners, this might work, but my point is that this model then starts regarding single people as accessories to a primary relationship.

My frustration has more to do with many poly communities that are couple-centric and have only limited roles for single people, and these communities tending to assume that single people are either "just sleeping around", "not really commitment minded" or not really poly. It has seriously surprised me to see such closed-mindedness in these communities.

Originally Posted by Mark1npt

I applaud that you are single and already know how you are and how you want to live your life, that is if you are really talking poly and not just being in an open relationship.

I know that many people have many different definitions of what it means to be poly, so I'm not sure how you're differentiating "really talking poly" vs. "just being in an open relationship". The earlier model you suggested where one should bond with a primary partner, then open up seems to fit the "open relationship" definition for me, since the primary relationship remains primary.

Also, I don't regard any one model as superior or inferior to any other, since different models suit different people. But I have to say that in many of the communities I've encountered, many couples tend to have a sense of entitlement about how they bring outside people into "their" relationship. And that tends to keep the single people who may get involved at an inherent disadvantage.