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Old 04-13-2013, 04:34 PM
lizzygirl2412 lizzygirl2412 is offline
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Maryland
Posts: 48
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I went on this forum because my husband and I were interested in possibly finding "a third". I had no idea that I would run into judgemental people.
Yes I am a submissive and anyone who knows anything about being a submissive knows it does not make me a doormat or his "pet". nor does it make me stupid. We have the relationship we have because that is works for us. We are in hope of possibly finding another person that would be just as happy with us. Not someone to own or a new "pet"
someone with feeling and hopes and dreams and just like he and I do for each other we are in hope of supporting her in these things also. We dont want to just find someone to have a quick roll in the hay with. We would like to date her, be her friend and offer our love, friendship and support in any way we can.
Maybe my relationship isnt what anyone else would want but it works for us. I came to this forum for advice to make sure I was not "dragging" someone into my relationship with unrelaistic hopes.
Thought this was the one place we would not be judged!!
Take care!!
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Old 04-13-2013, 05:16 PM
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ImaginaryIllusion ImaginaryIllusion is offline
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 2,006


I understand that you might be a little put off by the rather frank and pointed feedback you have recieved so far. However, you indicated that you were doing your research and looking for advice as you were unsure of what happens next...

It just so happens that what you and your husband are looking for is not at all uncommon. There are lots of people out there looking for a third, usually bi-woman to add to a pre-established couple. Hell, my wife and I were very much the same. What we found was that finding a single woman to meet those expectations was exceedingly difficult to find. (Not impossible...we know people where it's happened...but it's vary rare that it works out that way) And the more specific or unusual your arrangement is to begin with, it reduces the possibilities even further.

One thing about the forum here is that people here generally won't lie to you. They will give you the raw unvarnished truth as best they can...and sometimes that's a disappointment to the fantasies we may be holding about the future. Often that truth will be blunt and unforgiving of the fantasy.

As for the judgement you may be feeling...no one here knows you, or your situation as well as you do. They can only run on the information you provide. So if you're not providing all the info, they'll fill in the rest with assumptions. And if you carry on with your research, here or elsewhere, you'll find out where a lot of these assumptions are coming from. Google Unicorn Hunters anywhere and read some of the stories, and you'll see why. As I said, there are many couples seeking a third. And unfortunately, there are plenty of testimonials from the thirds who have tried out these arrangements and been burned by the experience.

It has nothing to do with your fantasies, or intentions...but there is a lot of cynicism about it in the community...and be it on this forum or elsewhere in the poly world, that is a challenge that you'll need to deal with if you carry on with the path you've chosen. My best advice is to take the time to understand the experiences of the people who have tried this... both the couples, and the thirds, both the good and the bad to get a better understanding of what things might work...and more importantly what landmines you can avoid...and do it before you bother prospecting for anyone, because walking into a situation without proper preparation decreases the chances of becoming one of the success stories.
“People who say it cannot be done should not interrupt those who are doing it.” - Chinese Proverb

-Imaginary Illusion

How did I get here & Where am I going?
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Old 04-13-2013, 07:53 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Yelm, Washington
Posts: 14,279

Yes, "unicorn hunters" (as they're pejoratively named) have a bad reputation. Doesn't mean you're one of the "bad ones," just means you "inherited" the bum rap.

You'll find unicorn hunters spoken of with cynicism and/or skepticism on other sites too, but I think another part of it is, Polyamory.com is just such a huge site, so busy, and with so, so many members. You'll encounter some members who will tread gently, some who will not spare the whip, and everything in between. The advantage to this is that you get a wide range of perspectives. The disadvantage is that, well, sometimes you will feel like you are being deluged with judgmentalism. I can't say if it's worth it or not. I guess it is if you can tolerate the unpleasant long enough to get to the pleasant. I've been here about a year. I've had some good experiences here, and some that sucked. Ultimately I stay around because I want to stay connected with the largest poly forum I know of.

I'm sorry you had one of the sucky experiences. I encourage you to try to give the good folks here a chance, they'll come tentatively out of the woodwork when the coast is clear.

Just from reading your one post here, I see nothing wrong with your relationship set-up or what you're looking for. Just be patient, and learn as much as you can while waiting for the right person to come along.
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
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Old 04-13-2013, 08:13 PM
lizzygirl2412 lizzygirl2412 is offline
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Maryland
Posts: 48

Im sorry, I probably should have put the persons post to my post. I was not slighted because my husband and I want a third, I was slighted because my husband "wants his cake and wants to eat it too" and Im okay with that. Also was offended by being refered to as being treated as my husbands, pet and told we should get a dog instead becasue I choose to submit to him as if me submitting is a bad thing....
People shouldnt knock what they dont know is all I was saying.
We will continue on our journey to see what we can learn and what is out there in store for us. Thank you for your positive comments...
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Old 04-13-2013, 08:21 PM
ManofDiscovery ManofDiscovery is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: NW England
Posts: 113

I'm with you OP.

I'm afraid this can be a very judgemental place and there are certain characters whose only point in life seems to be to demonstrate how smart they are and how stupid you are.

There are some great folks too, but I mainly communicate with them via PM. Actually that's about the only value I've got from the site.
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Old 04-13-2013, 08:22 PM
lizzygirl2412 lizzygirl2412 is offline
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Maryland
Posts: 48

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