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Old 04-12-2013, 06:39 AM
allhis77 allhis77 is offline
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Me and my fiance have been together for 3yrs. When we 1st got together we decided to share something we both had always wanted but could never find ourselves voicing before. I told my fiance i always wanted to explore being submissive. He agreed we could try this. He shared he had always wanted to have a wife and a 2 nd woman in our relationship that would be a part of both of us. I said that i was open to trying this. That it was something i had briefly fantasied about before. So in the 1st yr of our relationship we mainly talked about about how we envisioned this relationship developing and working. During the 2nd yr we attempted our 1st foray into it. He introduced me to a woman he knew from growing up but that he had not seen in yrs and had never had a relationship with. Our roles were clear. I was his "wife" and she "belonged" to us as a girlfriend. It lasted a few months and we discussed the things that we enjoyed about it and what we didnt. He shared he was looking for a deeper relationship. That his vision saw the 3 of us in a loving relationship with us all living together and me and her loving each other as well as loving him. So he found someone and built a relationship with her with her first and then once feelings were developed he informed her of our relationship and that he wanted her to be a part of us. He now understands his mistake but ultimately she is now in agreement in joining us and not just him. As we are starting this journey my feelings are all over the place. This has more elements he has always said he wanted a more loving unified relationship. He wants us both to be considered "wives" and the love is there between them and he now is wanting it to be built between the two of us. We are both in agreement we are attracted to each other and can see it building . I guess though whereas im open and excited to see where this leads i also find myself questioning fantasy vs reality and how my feelings at times are all over the place at no longer being THE wife but now sharing that role. I think this is a normal reaction and that only being one month into this that we are advancing well. Our husband is trying really hard to get us comfortable with each other and getting us comfortable watching him intereact with each of us in front of the other . Not gonna lie seeing him with another woman that there were no strong feelings involved was much easier and sexy....knowing there are deep feelings involved on both sides im having a slight struggle with. He tells me as "head" wife it is my job to make her comfortable becoming part of us and that 90% of time i do this but 10% he could read my struggle and he wants to know how to ease my fears. I am excited to see this evolve but scared at the same time. Guess just needed a place to discuss this new journey . Any suggestions welcome.
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Old 04-12-2013, 01:38 PM
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Marvin Marvin is offline
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Posts: 40

Greetings allhis
After reading your post I think that you guys are on the right track as far as expressing your feelings and needs to each other and it sounds like you communicate well, which is key to a successful poly relationship. I do, however, feel like you have placed a hurdle or two in your path with your approach toward building this new relationship. That twinge of jealousy and feelings of possessiveness are normal- it's part of the old mono-oriented you - the best advice I can give here is trust in your relationship with your fiancÚ. Without absolute trust that he is committed to you 100% you will fight these feelings indefinitely. You simply cannot compare your relationship with him to his relationship with anyone else- you will likely find something to dwell on that you feel is unfair. Trust in a poly relationship is paramount.
I also feel that whomever you choose to be the other partner in your relationship should be a choice made by both of you and should be made together along with this other person. Having gone out and selected another woman, fostered a relationship with her and then add you to this new relationship is quite the wrong approach in my opinion- I could be wrong- I only speak from my own experiences... In order to be a successful triad there must be a loving bond between yourself and this new individual as well and that cannot be made to happen. Of course, there are really no wrong answers to the state in which you decide to place your relationship with your fiancÚ. If you do not desire a bond with this other individual and are ok with his feelings toward the other woman then that is the right choice for you guys- maybe he has his relationship with her, you have your relationship with him, and what if you were to have a relationship with another man that you are connected to? The possibilities are up to you- by denfinition polyamory is love amongst many not necessarily or strictly triads, quads, or V's...
I do wish you the very best of luck and hope that each of you find what you are looking for.
All the best

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Old 04-12-2013, 02:22 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is online now
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If this is the D/s model you are shooting for, could keep in mind that CHANGE along brings those transitional feelings as the "new normal" settles it. It's gonna feel weird until the "new normal" is actually "the norm around here" if that makes sense. Edge play is edge play no matter what BDSM flavor you like best.

Maybe being aware of the general stages of grief you might feel with the loss of "just us two" or the "loss of old GF?" Or being aware of some possible poly hell type feelings could help? Can't list every feeling you might feel ever, but getting a handle on some common ones might make the transition easier and helpful in avoiding potential pitfalls?

I'm sure you can find more links to help.

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Old 04-13-2013, 05:51 AM
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nancyfore nancyfore is offline
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Location: CA
Posts: 163

I dont think its your job at all to make sure she is ok. Its his job. You cant be responsible for her feelings or insecurities, especially when he started the relationship with her and then told her about you. He needs to be reassuring to both of you and you cant be reassuring to her while your having to work through your own struggles.

I think its unfair of him to put you in that position.
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