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Old 12-13-2010, 04:58 PM
StrangerinKS StrangerinKS is offline
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 27
Default The First Broken Heart

Well, that was fast.

Three months ago, I fell in love with a beautiful woman. Both my wife and her husband approved of our relationship. The first month was total bliss...a lot of sex-related NRE no doubt, but also just amazing intellectual chemistry. She helped me through some difficult emotional problems, and I helped her through some of hers.

Then it fell apart. I went on a business trip. While I was gone, she had an encounter with another man. That was fine, it wasn't against our rules or anything like that. I did have some jealousy over it, but I got through it in a few days.

But then things went downhill from there. Her other guy lived 10 minutes from her house, while I am 40 miles away. Due to my work schedule, I could only see her once a week or so. She began seeing him two, then three, then four, then five times a week. The thing that hurt the most was that she just presented this as fait accompli, not giving me time to adjust. She continued to say through all of this that I was her primary lover (other than her husband of course) and that the other guy was just someone she was having fun with. However, she was spending so much time with him that the things we used to do, texting and emails and chatting and phone calls, tapered off dramatically.

I coped as best as I could and was doing the best I could to accept the situation. Finally, three weeks ago, during our weekly get-together, I asked her if I was really still her primary lover, or if the other guy was now. She admitted that the other guy was now her main interest both romantically and sexually, but that she still loved me. I told her that it was really hard to go from being the primary lover to the secondary lover without seeming to have any input in the matter and I needed time to think about it.

She then told me that the "main" reason she had chosen him was that it was "easier" to be with him because she knew she was hurting me by being with him since he isn't as sensitive as I am. Essentially, when I demonstrated pain over the situation, it just made her want to be with the other guy more, which of course just made my pain worse. Irony: she said the reason she fell in love with me in the first place is because I am so honest and open emotionally. Apparently it is the same reason she ended up picking the other guy.

It was a no-win situation. I felt like she was giving me an ultimatum: "stop feeling bad about this or I will leave you completely." It felt like blackmail, and I wouldn't stand for that, so I finally took the initative and broke up with her. My wife says I deserve someone much better than this person turned out to be. I know that is true, yet my heart still bleeds with pain, and I can't get this woman out of my head.

We've had a few scattered electronic contacts in the last two weeks and she says she misses me tremendously and still loves me but does not want to cause me further pain. Despite all that happened, i still feel love for her too. But it co-exists with a huge amount of pain. I was hoping that taking the initiative and breaking up with her myself would help me heal from what felt like a betrayal, but it just made it worse.

Can anyone give me some advice on how to cope? I still love her and want to be friends with her, but the dichotomy between the love and the pain is ripping me apart.

Last edited by StrangerinKS; 12-13-2010 at 05:10 PM.
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Old 12-13-2010, 05:53 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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It sounds like you were in love with this woman and emotionally invested in her, but she was in it for the sex. It doesn't sound like she want's an emotional connection with her partners, just someone to play with.
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Old 12-13-2010, 06:13 PM
StrangerinKS StrangerinKS is offline
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Posts: 27
Default in love

Yes, I was in love with her and heavily invested emotionally. I still think I am in love with her.

She SAID she was in love with me too, and even that she still is. But she also says that she is in love with the other guy, and she didn't understand why I made it so complicated. I tried to explain that I was having a hard time because the rules kept changing so quickly, without my input and without giving me time to adjust. Even that I would have gotten used to in time I think, but the part I could not take was when she said that it was my pain and confusion over the situation that was pushing her to be with the other guy. I felt like she was trying to put the burden of responsibility for her own choices onto me.

I just don't know how to get over this. The wound is very deep.
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Old 12-13-2010, 06:47 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 10,083

I agree that it seems you did make things more complicated than they needed to be. In your first post, you said that her seeing someone else wasn't against your rules, and yet you are upset that the rules "kept changing." You were able to see her once a week, but you couldn't enjoy being with her because you were focused on her relationship with the other guy instead of what you two had together. Why should it matter whether she labels you her primary, secondary, tertiary -- or her little nincompoop, for that matter -- as long as you are having a good time and enjoying each other's company? I have to say, it seems that you let yourself become a bit clingy and possessive. It sounds like you got caught up in a whirlwind and did not want to come back down to earth. And now you're having a tantrum. If I were her, I would have felt as if there were nothing I could do that would satisfy you, or help assuage your insecurities. You would've pushed me away, too! To me, it looks like your broken heart involves an awful lot of wounded pride. Sorry to be so blunt, but that's my take on it -- and I do offer my opinion in the hope that it can be helpful to you in some way. I think the best way you can deal with this is to look at your part, and what you were responsible for in how it all played out.
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia

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Last edited by nycindie; 12-13-2010 at 06:53 PM.
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Old 12-13-2010, 06:51 PM
StrangerinKS StrangerinKS is offline
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That's fine, I don't disagree with anything you've said here. Obviously my insecurities had a great deal to do with it, and yes, I am working on myself.
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Old 12-14-2010, 03:25 AM
Jade Jade is offline
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: in a house
Posts: 189

Distance and time. You were farther away and had less time. I doubt she'll keep up the pace she has been with him. Can't imagine five times a week will sit well with her husband for long. It may be that she'll reach for you when the pendulum starts swinging back. You may not want it, but umm, don't be surprised.
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