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  #1  
Old 04-07-2013, 05:08 PM
reallynicepeople reallynicepeople is offline
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Default We need a little guidance please

Hi,

We are long time lurkers here and need the experience of the group to illuminate the path a little more for us.
We are a poly couple that are looking for another poly couple to learn to have closer relations with. We have tried through Craigslist posting in misc. romance with mixed success. We know there are more people like us in our area. We have found the old poly enigma of meeting a couple where one member is super and the other not so super. We have been in a long-term triad that happened on its own. We have met others separately and found that we enjoy exploring ourselves and others together rather than apart. So we kind of know what we are looking for. We just are having a hard time finding our tribe. Any thoughts would be appreciated. Thanks!
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  #2  
Old 04-07-2013, 05:19 PM
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Marcus Marcus is offline
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Originally Posted by reallynicepeople View Post
Hi,

We are long time lurkers here and need the experience of the group to illuminate the path a little more for us.
We are a poly couple that are looking for another poly couple to learn to have closer relations with. We have tried through Craigslist posting in misc. romance with mixed success. We know there are more people like us in our area. We have found the old poly enigma of meeting a couple where one member is super and the other not so super. We have been in a long-term triad that happened on its own. We have met others separately and found that we enjoy exploring ourselves and others together rather than apart. So we kind of know what we are looking for. We just are having a hard time finding our tribe. Any thoughts would be appreciated. Thanks!
This is a very common question with unfortunately very few good answers.

OKCupid.com
Meetup.com
Craigslist.com
Google.com poly+your city = to find groups or forums.

Good luck.
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  #3  
Old 04-07-2013, 07:50 PM
CattivaGattina CattivaGattina is offline
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Also be aware that just because they're other poly people in your area does not mean they are wanting to date as a couple like you want to. Wanting to do it that way will shorten your dating pool (when A and B only want to date as a couple and they find C and D who are the same what happens if A, B, and D all get along but C realizes they aren't wanting a relationship with A or B?)
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Old 04-08-2013, 12:33 AM
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Also be aware that just because they're other poly people in your area does not mean they are wanting to date as a couple like you want to.
Or that you'll find each other attractive, interesting, remotely tolerable, etc.
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Old 04-08-2013, 04:36 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Originally Posted by reallynicepeople View Post
Hi,

We are long time lurkers here...We just are having a hard time finding our tribe. Any thoughts would be appreciated. Thanks!

If you 2 are long time lurkers here, first of all, you haven't noticed the staff frowns on couples sharing a profile.

Secondly, if you've read here a lot, you'd have seen how seldom triads, much less quads, work out long term.

In a quad, A has to love B, C, and D (nearly) equally.

B has to love A, C and D.

C has to love A, B and D.

D has to love A, B and C.

Everyone has to be in the mood to hang out with 3 others simultaneously.

Everyone has to be in the mood to fuck 3 others simultaneously.

All your kids have to be babysat.

Everyone has to be healthy enough physically, to hang out and fuck 3 others simultaneously.

If one person isn't mentally, emotionally or physically ready to hang out/fuck, what do you do? If one kid is sick and can't be left with a sitter, does one partner get to stay home and watch the kid while the other gets to go play?

What if one person of the quad has to work overtime? Does the less busy partner not get to see the other 2 lovers until overtime is over?
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Last edited by Magdlyn; 04-08-2013 at 04:40 PM.
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Old 04-08-2013, 05:37 PM
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choctaw103 choctaw103 is offline
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Aren't all of those scenarios you mentioned something that the quad would have to work out for themselves based on their individual needs and wants?

I guess what I am trying to ask is, what is the difference between defining boundaries and expectations between 4 people and 2 other than two more personalities to consider. I just believe that everyone needs different things and so long as those are for the most part met or worked out, what difference does quantity make?

I have read here that people have outside relationships (I.e. secondary). Does that mean that you would be less concerned about their well being simply because they are secondary? I just have a hard time understanding because I envision in my head a relationship where everyone has equal say and the same satisfaction and happiness in it.

I suppose being new to this that I may be being naive, but that is why I am asking the questions.

So flame on I guess. Educate me.
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Old 04-09-2013, 08:57 AM
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Originally Posted by choctaw103 View Post
I guess what I am trying to ask is, what is the difference between defining boundaries and expectations between 4 people and 2 other than two more personalities to consider. I just believe that everyone needs different things and so long as those are for the most part met or worked out, what difference does quantity make?
The main problem occurs when the boundaries and expectations are set before there is anyone to discuss them with. You're more likely to build a successful relationship (of however many people there may be involved) if you meet them as people and get to know them rather than saying "Here are my boundaries and expectations. Fit into them or GTFO." Going in with an idea of what you'd like in mind is fine, but getting bent out of shape* when you have trouble finding someone to fit into the particular relationship-shaped hole you've made doesn't help anyone.

Quote:
Originally Posted by choctaw103 View Post
I have read here that people have outside relationships (I.e. secondary). Does that mean that you would be less concerned about their well being simply because they are secondary? I just have a hard time understanding because I envision in my head a relationship where everyone has equal say and the same satisfaction and happiness in it.
Some people would use that terminology for that type of relationship, some would use different words to mean the same thing and some use the same words for different things. It's always a good idea to make sure that you understand what the person you're talking to actually means rather than assuming that your definitions match.

* I'm not trying to imply that anyone in this thread is bent out of shape, but it does seem to be a common reaction.
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Old 04-09-2013, 09:27 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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I have read here that people have outside relationships . . .
Outside relationships? Outside of what???
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Old 04-09-2013, 11:58 AM
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Vixtoria Vixtoria is offline
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Outside relationships? Outside of what???
Outside of space! Of Time!



It's time I came clean. I'm dating a Time Lord. It's complicated but damn does he make a good mug of tea!

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  #10  
Old 04-09-2013, 01:18 PM
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choctaw103 choctaw103 is offline
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You just made me spit my coffee all over the place.

What I meant was independent of the relationship already established, although yours would be a much more interesting option I think.
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