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Old 12-10-2010, 12:54 AM
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LMRose LMRose is offline
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Hello Everyone!

I am a monogamous 29 year old female who is a long term relationship with someone who has recently admitted to being polyamorus. Our relationship started as a monogamous one and it was not until the last two years that he has expressed the desire for an outside relationship and just recently came to the conclusion that he was polyamorus.

At first he made it sound like he missed out on some sort of grand sexual escapade and wanted to capture it before he died but did not want to lose our relationship because he loved me and wanted to be with me. Naturally I was first hurt thinking that he felt I was inadequate. Then insecure wondering what was wrong with me. And finally angry/ resentful because when we started our relationship, we discussed outside relationships and how I felt it was not something I could handle so why after all this time together is he pushing for outside sexual relations. I was happy that he was at least talking to me but still hurt/angry. It did not help that he was pushing for me to go out and explore as well. It was like he could not understand that I did not want sex with anyone else other than him and I became resentful that he would try and push me into something I did not want nor feel comfortable with.

Sometime has passed since then and adjustments have been made. He has come to the conclusion that while he likes the idea of sex with others he could not perform unless there was love involved. We have come to the agreement that while he can have relationships with others to please refrain from actual intercourse as I do not want the risk of having to deal with another woman's child in our relationship. I expect him to be sure of this person ( I do not wish to get some STD because he got into lust with some chick) and that she be made aware of the situation so that I do not have some jealous lover drama because he will not leave me for her and to respect my wishes that all sexual foreplay/activities be done outside of my presence because while I may accept intellectually that it may happen and that he loves me and will not leave me for another it is another thing emotionally.

He recently expressed interest in our best friend. She introduced us, we both love her, and he is attracted to her/she to him. I reiterated that while he may commence in the heavy petting and such to please refrain for things of a sexual nature in front of me. I am OK with her sleeping over with us and cuddling but to please keep the sexual aspect out of my sight as it bothers me emotionally. They have both agreed and are happy with those terms. I do not mind her coming over and hanging with us and sleeping over cuddling as I love her and trust her not to threaten my relationship with him. I just cannot handle anything sexual in my presence as it disturbs me emotionally. Like the saying goes, "Out of sight, out of mind." This works best for me and they accept and respect it for which I am grateful.

So here I am trying to learn how to work with him while he exlores this new aspect of his life.
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Old 12-10-2010, 03:33 AM
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Somegeezer Somegeezer is offline
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I've been that guy before. Figured out what I wanted half way through the relationship. Unfortunately, it went downhill for me and I lost someone I loved because I opened up. It hurt for a long time.

I think he is pushing you to explore, because it would make him feel more comfortable about doing it himself. He knows what he said hurt you and feels that if you experienced it, you'd understand just like him. But because you're strongly not for it yourself, just keep strong about it. Maybe encourage him to do it though. Putting too much control over what he does makes it harder for him to really enjoy it.

As for basic rules like no children and no sex in your presence... Those are pretty important rules for any relationship. They can be a hard thing for anyone to deal with.

I like the idea of cuddles. I love that it is something you are ok with too. I think being close to your partner's partner can really help their relationship and yours. The love and trust is already there. With those, communication becomes a lot easier... and communication is the most important thing.

With all that said, welcome to the forum. =] If ever you need someone to talk to on a one to one basis, feel free to send a PM my way. =]
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Old 12-10-2010, 05:18 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Somegeezer View Post
I think he is pushing you to explore, because it would make him feel more comfortable about doing it himself. He knows what he said hurt you and feels that if you experienced it, you'd understand just like him.
I'm pretty sure that is why now, although at the time it did not come out that way. When he talked about being with others at that time there was no talk of love but more of a "I've always wanted to have sex with ____. We should have group sex so you can be with more people too." He felt that since I did not have as much sexual experience in my background that I missed out. It took sometime for him to understand that I did not feel like I missed out and that I only wanted to be with him and no one else sexually. It has only been recently that he decided that while he may like the idea of sex with others that he too cannot be with someone unless there was love involved. I am actually more comfortable with the idea that he is with someone he knows and loves versus some random person whom he does not know well but just is attracted to.
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Old 12-10-2010, 09:10 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LMRose View Post
I'm pretty sure that is why now, although at the time it did not come out that way. When he talked about being with others at that time there was no talk of love but more of a "I've always wanted to have sex with ____. We should have group sex so you can be with more people too." He felt that since I did not have as much sexual experience in my background that I missed out. It took sometime for him to understand that I did not feel like I missed out and that I only wanted to be with him and no one else sexually. It has only been recently that he decided that while he may like the idea of sex with others that he too cannot be with someone unless there was love involved. I am actually more comfortable with the idea that he is with someone he knows and loves versus some random person whom he does not know well but just is attracted to.
He probably just worded it wrong out of nervousness.
I like that idea better too. Being with someone you love and not just doing it for sex. It's good that his change of view has made you more happy with it too. I think you can both be very happy with this. =]
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